resonating with me today

Eagle Poem - Joy Harjo

To pray you open your whole self
To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon
To one whole voice that is you.
And know there is more
That you can't see, can't hear,
Can't know except in moments
Steadily growing, and in languages
That aren't always sound but other
Circles of motion.
Like eagle that Sunday morning
Over Salt River. Circled in blue sky
In wind, swept our hearts clean
With sacred wings.
We see you, see ourselves and know
That we must take the utmost care
And kindness in all things.
Breathe in, knowing we are made of
All this, and breathe, knowing
We are truly blessed because we
Were born, and die soon within a
True circle of motion,
Like eagle rounding out the morning
Inside us.
We pray that it will be done
In beauty.
In beauty.

growth.

in my desperate plea for some sort of self-healing method, i attended a women's retreat in sebastopol. i was very much reluctant in the begining, for i have never done anything like it in my life. in a way, i thought it would be too ritualistic and too spiritual, that i won't be able to find something sunstancial that i can take with me to work with after the retreat. however, my experience turned out the be exactly what i needed - to be exposed to the connectedness of the mother earth's healing energy through comeraderie of women from all walks of life. and through rituals and guided meditations, i faced my most gruesome demons, relinquished their venom through dance and fire, and visualized my life as it should be using art. i regained a sense of hope, faith, that i am good enough, i am all that i am proud of, and that i am not alone. every bit of the work we did, and every word shared, every tear that fell, were all so beautiful and wonderfully cleansing.

now that i'm back to the life of young workforce, i am trying my best to keep up with spiritual healing and growth. i've settled in a vinyasa yoga class at Namaste Yoga Studio in rockridge, which i attend with my good friend rachel and my neighbor aly every week. i've also found a therapist with a japanese twist at Blue Oak Therapy Cener whom I see every week. i'm also back at the y working on my cardio and strengthening routines. i am generous with my time for friends, and give myself a lot of space to laugh and enjoy life. i think only piece missing is some sort of community service. i want to be involved with empowering and supporting LGB and/or trans/gender-queer youths. may be i'll start something up. who knows... but i feel this need to want to give myself to the world like i am meant to be. although my daily work does that in a very roundabout way, i want to work with people on a daily basis. i want to be there for young people who just need a little perspective from someone like themselves; through a pat on the shoulder or a hug or someone to hold them or to laugh with them to feel good about themselves - to assist in their affirmation that they belong to this world and that they are loved. something that was missing from my early years of queerhood.

regardless, i've been able to keep my heart chakra open and it feels spectacular. love is the foundation of inner stillness, as my yoga teacher said the other night. he also told us that if love comes and knocks on your window, to not let reasoning put bars on the window, but rather let love flow in freely. what a lovely concept. i just need to remind myself to remain grounded and at peace with each day that unfolds. despite the matters of immigration sitting heavily on my shoulders, i am surprisingly content. at this point, developmental biology class this spring is not happening. so be it. i need to stop worrying and just do it. life is in my hands, and man, i can do anything, i can be anything.

can you hear the sound of me growing?

ingredients for healing

listen to your grief. let it be your teacher.
hold a picture of yourself as someone who can heal.
be willing to look at your mistakes, conclusions, and false assumptions.
the mind plays tricks on people.
eliminate the blocks to joy.
learn to live with mystery.
explore forgiveness.
be gentle with yourself. have a mercy on yourself.

shine

the new year has come. quite frankly, i'm a bit frazzled again. despite the good fortune told by all japanese fortune readings, the new year's day came with clouds cast over every aspect of the day. but someone very special to me finally sent me an email that she said she had been working on. last time we talked, she said she kept writing and erasing, revising and revising. it was a beatiful email, and showed me how strong, wise and determined she is. at the same time, it showed me how selfish i had been. what she is trying to do, is exactly what i need to do. i look up to her wholeheartedly. i hope to be able to be like her someday.

both into the forest and kafka on the shore stress on the connectedness of all; how we are a part of all past and future, a part of the intangible, intricate power of the wild world, and that we exist as a dynamic "being" that gains meaning by interacting with all that surrounds us. being able to embrace such fact, is precisely what can tame one's loneliness and emptiness that seem so invincible. that is how one can be at peace with life.

often, i look back or look around me and become extremely envious. nostalgic. jealous. dejected. and somehow, that makes my future pitch black. it is freightening, and i get gnots in my stomach. my demon growls louder. i need to beat this. i am better than this. i can do this. i can shine. but i must shine myself first:

- extinguish envy and jealousy as they arise
- always work towards getting bigger, faster, stronger (smith rugby lives on)
- create something everyday even if it's something small
- no looking back, no looking too far forward; accept life as it comes
- transcend impermanance
- follow the signs, the serendipity

luck is on my side, i know. as long as i shine myself.

but today, i just want to cry. just for a little while. while i listen to the mix i made.