aNgRY chIcK MuSic

At the last Meg concert, right before Texas hit me with its blazing sunshine, Annie and I were singing-along with Meg's new song: "I dream in full colors... I'm sleeping alone in my own bed again..." and appreciating the fact that we were both healing, and that we were just beginning to get used to being on our own, in our own solitude. And just when that was the case, a tantalizing golden distraction falls onto my lap. I can't stop thinking about what Bette said last season of the L word: "I was just getting used to living by myself..." I've decided, it's just an illusion, a drunk stupor and that I'm going to just put this behind me and move forward with my solo life. My academics, responsibilities, creativity, and healing. The MCAT preparation classes have began and I had forgotten just how tedious and brain damaging it actually was. So instead of learning the kinematics equations and ideal gas laws, I write songs. Perhaps I will write a song about my utter HATE for this damn exam. But as the Kaplan guy said, I'm there to become a GREAT doctor. And I will. Damn it, I will. The little engine that could. I've survived this far I will not vanish without fighting to my end. The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs. I am a good person. I am a driven, committed, good person. No one can stop me. I will keep climbing. I will live my ideals and fulfill my dreams. Nothing can stand in my way. I will not let tricks and games and meaningless competitions burn me down. I blast my Shameless music loud until my eardrums hurt.

the song of the day

Gladdest Thing - Deb Talan

I will be the gladdest thing under the sun
I will touch a hundred flowers and not pick one
I will look at cliffs and clouds with quiet eyes
Watch the wind blow down the grass and the grass rise

Doesn't each of us have a place we belong
Could be a sidewalk crack or sad song
Inside our searching is desire to etch a silent thought in stone
To make our tender heart known

I will be the gladdest thing under the sun
I will touch a hundred flowers and not pick one
I will look at cliffs and clouds with quiet eyes
Watch the wind blow down the grass and the grass rise

And when the lights begin to show up from the town
I will mark which must be mine and then start down
Everyone wants to be a hero or a savior of small things
I want to be champion of evening, forget not the beauty of the in-betweens

Everyone of us had orphaned our bodies
Born from dust of the stars
We can comfort each other in this place
I can look into your eyes and see my own face

I will be the gladdest thing under the sun
I will touch a hundred flowers and not pick none
I will look at cliffs and clouds with quiet eyes
Watch the wind blow down the grass and the grass rise

And when the lights begin to show up from the town
I will mark what must be mine and then start down

some of my soul purging songs of remedy i wrote

Song Never Finished

How long do I hold my breath?
How long do you plan to wonder?
How far should I walk with you?
How would I know that you still want to hear my song?

Tomorrow never seemed so intangible
It makes me not able to fall asleep
But I hear your whisper in the moonlight
The night is chilly and there is a hole shaped like you

I’m sorry I never finished the song
I was so damn lost in your lake Champlain eyes
But it’s true I’ve always, always wanted, wanted you in my Sunday morning

How many moments have we grown?
How deep should I bury the shells we picked?
How kind should I be to your dream?
How much is the price of your beautiful, beautiful face?

Yesterday was the same as the day before
Thinking about the sunshine in the room
In the city where we made so much laughter
Now I’m here, I’m lost, I’m scared to believe

I’m sorry I never finished the song
I was so damn lost in your lake Champlain eyes
But it’s true I’ve always, always wanted, wanted you in my Sunday morning

Unsure like the weather outside
My heart is singing your name
Don’t know where you are or what you see
Just wishing that you would sing this song with me

Tomorrow never seemed so intangible
It makes me not able to fall asleep
But I hear your whisper in the moonlight
The night is chilly and there is a hole shaped like you

***************************************************************

Sunshine

When the sun tips just so slightly
Or the wind blows from the wrong direction
I’m reminded of the smallness
of my own hands

It’s a struggle just to hold on
To a simplicity of loving small beauties
So I cry, so I cry for the pink sky over the city
and your brilliant smile

The iceberg is melting, a good woman is bruised
The mine is bursting, a child is left alone
The weight of the world feels heavier today
‘Guess I’m not that strong
and she has gone

When the truth of the world came tumbling down
It knocked down everything we believed in
Lost in heat and translation, all I could do was
to buy you flowers wrapped in newspaper

Being young is like being judged without a cause
Ideals and the reality battle over our sorrows
Please, please hold my hand, ‘cause you are the sunshine that brings peace

The last bird is dying, an honest man is hungry
The triggers are pulled, a friend is gone forever
Can’t help but question why the hell this must be
All I want is to be free
and she has gone

Please, please hold my hand, ‘cause you are the sunshine that brings peace
Please, please hold my hand, ‘cause you are the sunshine that brings peace….

perfect snow flakes and the eternal flame.... well, gas...

i was stunned how air travel makes distance seems nothing, regardless of my slight guilt for adding extra carbon exhaust into the atmosphere. i spent the long weekend in buffalo, visiting a good friend, an old friend, and meeting new ones. it was really good to be away from 'dence for a little while, and just do things that pleased me that i can't do much of, like taking a stroll in the neighborhood and go to the farm share.

on saturday, thomas, me and a friend went on a hike in the snow, cold and snowy in a beautiful and pleasant way. i was told that this hike is short and sweet, and leads to what is called "eternal flame," a natural gas reserve where people light a fire so it flickers behind a waterfall. the day started with a thunder and a lightening with a gusty wind and a heavy snowfall. by the time we got to the park, the snow slowed a little, and the perfect crystals of snow accumulated on my blue jacket. the hike was short (may be a couple of miles total), and we took a bunch of tiny expeditions crossing the half-frozen creek and climbing the slopes on the by the tree roots. it was wonderful to be outside, and it was a grand fun. i always enjoy letting my child-self out into the wild. the fire was unfortunately not lit, and the footing by the waterfall got pretty sketchy, so we only got to smell the gas, and so we renamed the place the "eternal gas" which we found extremely funny.

in the evening in the "single-dig(it)" weather, we took the subway and watched juno which i had been wanting to see for a while. i absolutely loved it. and the music was great - it was mostly by kimya dawson and perhaps mouldy peaches. regardless, it was sweet and cute and the acting was fantastic. and of course, funny. here is the quote by juno's dad about true love. it resonated in me really hard. i guess i believe in it too.

"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

for you...

Desert Sunrise - Brett Dennen

A desert sunrise, you warm my soul
Painting me in shades of clay
Covering me whole
And I'm a lizard, sunbathing in your radiance
Oh i come out of hiding, so sweet
so sweet you are
If I could only have a taste
Wrap my lips around your flavor
Just because you are you
Just because you are, so beautiful

And I've been waiting all this life
In the company of one
And I know I am young
But I don't want to be alone
If you could only just
Consider the two of us
And i know darling
I could be so good to you

I see you rising
On the horizon
Bringing light into the day
And I'm coasting on your rays
When I awoke, you spoke through the mist of the mystic bliss
Casting shadows
On all my dismal yesterdays
Do you remember that you told me, darling
That I was so real
I tell you all, my tears for you are real
And we'll cross that bridge again some day
I know we will
I hope we will

Desert sunset, a lullaby
If I could give it all to you
If you'd only let me try
Sing so sweetly, it's my only wish
Music drips from your lips like sweet sips of a summer's kiss
Summer raindrops are precious, tongues twist

.....

Desert moonrise, into the night
Before we lay our heads
I wish to walk under the splendorous starlight
Sing so sweetly, it's the sweetest sound
And I've become weak in the knees
And I drop down and kiss the ground
And all my cares lie far below
In this earth I wish to die
In this hearth my fire grows

purging

it snowed again today. my heart is accepting this wet dreary winter blues little better than it did last month. two weeks of endless food and the comfort of my own determination to care for my parents helped. going to the gym empty mindedly helped. reading the last book of harry potter helped. crafting little cats and dogs with clay for my mother's japanese craft dolls' minature diorama helped. i love working with my hands.

i lost a friend recently to her soul-searching trip overseas, but i seemed to have gained a few more. it came by a surprise, but perhaps it was my own fault for not reaching out to the right people. i spent a lovely evening with annie the other day, going to a concert opened by meg and the feature was the funniest dyke singer i have ever seen in my whole damn life. her music had a certain level of maturity to them; with humor and the contentment about the world. i was very glad to have seen her - i was tearing not because of the sorrow, but because i was laughing so hard. and i got to say hello to meg, which had been way overdue, and she looked great and i noticed that she has lots of light and colors in her eyes. so beautiful. so much like her music. then adrienne and jen asked if i wanted to go out, and as a matter of fact, i was in such a jolly mood that i jumped in the wagon right away, and i found blaire. it was a great night. so was lastnight, where i got to hang out with annie, adrienne, jen, and blaire all together cozy with the wood stove and brownies. THIS is what i had missed. THIS was exactly what i had been missing. we watched the newest season of the L word (which was purchased by adrienne after a relentless search for someone with showtime that ended unsuccessfully), american gladiators, and played nintendo.

in my daily contemplations of life, i've made a few realization recently:

1) i am begining to see small beauties again (particulary in women.... what a surprise), like the way arm muscles move when folk singer strums her guitar, my mentor's hands, the concentrating gaze on my friend's profile, the snow on the bare branches, my cats' faces.

2) writing songs might just be my remedy. i've written 4 thus far, and i think 1 more is being molded in my head as we speak... it feels almost like a big belch or some sort of bodily release when i write one. such a good feeling. this allowed me to cope so much better with my battles.

3) 23 is a okay. not too young. it is a fact that it depends on the person.

4) and naturally, going on 27 is not that old. despite my sprouts of gray hair and my friends' weddings and baby showers.

5) i am not the only one with neurotic tendencies. someone obsesses with closing the blinds, and someone else just likes to vacuum all the time.

6) i don't mind cleaning the toilet and the sink. but i still hate cleaning the stove top and the bathtub.

7) lastly, but most importantly, even though it was painful and rather discouraging to accept it, i realized the actual difficulty of loving me. my neurocies and stubbornness and moodiness aside, the circumstance of my life is hard to bear for anybody. it is hard for me even. of course it would be hard for someone who is committed to loving me. my life will forever be split between here and japan, and i will always speak the language the lover will probably not be able to understand. i will be traveling back and forth between the two countries and go spend holidays with my parents who are unaware of my identity. my lover will most likely be introduced as "a close someone" if the chance ever arrives, and there is no guarantee that i will not have a family of my own once it gets out. i will (hopefully...!) and i strive to have a career that will keep me away from my loved ones from time to time, perhaps all the time to start with, and i come as a set with two cats who are still young. my past i drag in a bag with me wherever i go, simply because there is no safe place like a home for me here in this country where i spend most of my life, and because of my legal status in this country, the life plans has to be made way in advance, with a few back up plans. the prospect of someone being able to love me that much is slight. i must admit. i try not to dwell on it and have a lighter perspective, like i'll just let myself be okay with temporary reliefs from time to time. a little bit like the protagonist of middlesex.

i have a plate full of plans with people i care about. that is all i need for now, and i am thankful for all of it. going back to the origin. take nothing for granted.