thirteen years later

it is hard to truly recall what it was like, when i had embarked on a trip to the US about 13 years ago, without knowing the language, with a commitment of a year, and without a returning plane ticket. all i remember is crying throughout the plane ride and a nice japanese-american man next to me was so worried and tried to comfort me the entire trip.

now as i'm about to leave for a three months post at a clinc where i know i can communicate somewhat in english, with a clear end date, a plan to spend few days on the beach at the end, with a friend, and a pre-purchased return ticket i cannot believe how scared and homesick i am already. i cannot imagine what it must have been like for a twelve year old me, and i am both proud and embarrassed to admit my emotions.

i guess in a way, i know that i can snap out of this sadness once i'm on the road. it's just hard when you're alone packing up the apartment with cats nuzzling into my legs and realizing that i won't have this "home" for a while. in a way, it's a double wammy because alida is going to try to find a job elsewhere at the end of the summer, so i won't be returning to my apartment with cats and alida in it. it'll just be cats. i know it's a needed move that is going to do us both good in the end, but prospect of losing this comfort and security even just for a brief period is difficult to stomach.

the point is, though, that i AM doing what i want to do - go get my hands dirty to help those in need. i will also be buckling down to finish my master's program strong when i return and finally get the ball rolling for my career - to realize my dream. as ani says, i need to leave my comfort, i need to leave my love and home and security to see the truth. so help me goddess of the mother earth - give me strength and courage to live this life to its fullest and to be able to transcend it to the others who are less fortunate....

i had to leave the house of fashion
go forth naked from its doors
cuz women should be allies
not competitors
and i had to leave the house of god
cuz the cross replaced the wheel
and the goddesses were out in the garden
with the plants that nourish and heal

i had to leave the house of privilege
spend christmas homeless and feeling bad
to learn that privilege is a headache
that you don't know that you don't have
and i had to leave the house of television
to start noticing the clouds
it's amazing the stuff you see
when you finally shed that shroud

i had to leave the house of conformity
in order to make art
i had to be more or less true
to learn to tell the two apart
and i had to leave the house of fear
just about as soon as i could crawl
ignore my face on the wanted posters
stuck to the post office wall

i had to leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than i am, and who
ever said that life is suffering
i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
ain't the power of transcendence
the greatest one we can employ

shroud - ani difranco

procrastination is a virtue

ha. i have a paper due on monday, and two due on tuesday. i've finished one that's on tuesday, almost done with the one that's due on monday, and haven't touched the other one. but what else i'd be doing but write my thoughts on my blog. lovely.

alida and i have been enjoying our after-work walks in lincoln woods state park. we do a loop around the olney pond, some on paved road and some on trails, and some bush whacking. there is a cute little beach that local kids are already swimming. even though the highway runs right by and you can hear the traffic (which is a turn off) it gives us few moments of peace that are rarely available in the west side of providence. we've seen some canadian geese, swans, mallard ducks, little frog and bull frog, and an orange bird (oriole, may be?). it's finally getting nicer in rhode island - it seems like we got no spring this year and went straight into summer. i'm glad we found a little oasis in our dreaded life in rhode island.

Few thoughts about globalization

So I just got reconnected to Taiko. She is safely (relatively speaking) in Venezuela adjusting to everything. Apparently she still sucks at Spanish because it is true she is HORRIBLE at learning new languages (especially those ones that are Latin based). I can say this because she wouldn't have graduated from college if it wasn't for my help in English!! :P Anyway, I am kinda touched to know that someone so immediate, someone so close and yet far to everything that i am, is working from the same motivation, with similar beliefs in humanity and equity. We are meant to be, I guess... (I knew that the day we fist-fought at grade school...) I miss her, and I will miss her, but it won't be long before I will make my way to Venezuela!

As of myself, I am off to Mae Tao Clinic (with my nurse buddy Annie!) in a few weeks to spend 3 months working as a relief worker. For updates about the trip go to: conscienceproject.blogspot.com

I cannot believe Oprah for opening that most unproductive, self-righteous, unsustainable, and contradictory school in South Africa. I always loved Oprah and her charisma and her heart, but not this one. Annie first told me about this a while ago and I followed up with some research and there simply is not any good reason for this school.


First of all, girls who get to attend this school are hand-picked by Oprah, and she makes these girls call her "ma ma". I mean, can you even stand the obvious philanthropic colonialism!? Besides, what happens to the girls who don't get picked, or who aren't even considered? And the divide that is made between the two groups of children? What if one of the two best friends gets in and the other doesn't? One lives out this luxurious, well-funded schooling with yoga classes and the other stays home, never get education good enough to get her anywhere, be married at age 14 and contract HIV from sexual violence? What good is in that? Further, this school cost $40 million to build. You know how many descent schools that can build throughout the poor communities of South Africa with that money? Do you know how many children can be vaccinated with just a quarter of that money? How about potable water system? How about oral rehydration therapies for babies? In addition, girls who are found to have had sex are kicked out of the school with no-questions-asked - have we not learned anything from previous research that clearly demonstrates that in communities like South Africa, women, especially young women and girls, lack power of negotiation? If men want to get laid, women (particularly the enforcers' partners) are expected to serve, and violence prevails in situations where women refuse. Further, these girls are given the best of EVERYTHING, just because they were chosen by Oprah. Oprah personally picked out the finest bed sheets, curtains, fabrics for the uniform, organic foods and everything anyone could ask for. Can we just pause for a second and think about what kind of values that kind of set-up is going to teach these children? If I were from impoverished area, in my pre-teen, luckily had been picked to go to the school, I don't think I could help myself from thinking that I'm going to study hard so that I can have these nice things, and so that I can make a lot of money. I will simply no think about others in the community or in the world. Aren't we supposed to be teaching children how to think globally and act locally? In the extreme, I may even think that there are always going to be some rich people bailing poor people out so it is not my responsibility to give back to the community or help those who are left behind. AND have we forgotten American children who will never see any of these fancy things?? She commented a while ago to a question "why not do this in the US?" and she answered by saying that she got tired of these inner city American kids "who have the privilege of going to schools and yet they just don't care." I hope that some day, she can realize that it is not that they "don't care" but they are forced to be cynical and bitter because most of them don't have parents that care and teachers that care and the schools that offer environment that is suitable for learning. I'm saying even simple things like class rooms, desks, text books and pencils. I know this because I used to live with someone who taught in Oakland school district, and my best friend teaches at a Native American school in South Dakota. This particular friend has even told me that some of her students live out of a car because they have no home. This is precisely the reason why Oprah's school is ridiculous and completely un-humanitarian.

Finally, there is the sustainability issue. I think that is THE problem all humanitarian movements and funds and organizations face every day. That is to say, you cannot dump whole a lot of resources at one time only and not think about how it can sustain itself once the resources run out. I mean, does Oprah realize that she is going to have to pump more money into the school? Who is going to fund it if something happens to her? After she dies? Who decide which girls get in? Another multi-million-dollar hollywood star? Solution to the poverty problem in countries such as South Africa shouldn't be acute. It requires fixing the problem from the root - vitalization of local economy by teaching people revenue building skills, improving public transportation so that people who live in the former-homelands can travel into rich provinces and work without becoming a migrant worker, and encourage people to have less children and care for the child they have with utmost responsibility. These are the things we should be putting our money and thoughts into. NOT a $40 million dollar private school for a handful of hand-picked girls.

Perhaps Oprah didn't think hard enough about the intricate mechanism - structural violence in Paul Farmer's words - that is influencing the socio-economic disparities in South Africa. As good as her intentions may have been, I strongly disagree with the fact that this is doing good to the country of South Africa. Shame on you those who support her school.