thirteen years later

it is hard to truly recall what it was like, when i had embarked on a trip to the US about 13 years ago, without knowing the language, with a commitment of a year, and without a returning plane ticket. all i remember is crying throughout the plane ride and a nice japanese-american man next to me was so worried and tried to comfort me the entire trip.

now as i'm about to leave for a three months post at a clinc where i know i can communicate somewhat in english, with a clear end date, a plan to spend few days on the beach at the end, with a friend, and a pre-purchased return ticket i cannot believe how scared and homesick i am already. i cannot imagine what it must have been like for a twelve year old me, and i am both proud and embarrassed to admit my emotions.

i guess in a way, i know that i can snap out of this sadness once i'm on the road. it's just hard when you're alone packing up the apartment with cats nuzzling into my legs and realizing that i won't have this "home" for a while. in a way, it's a double wammy because alida is going to try to find a job elsewhere at the end of the summer, so i won't be returning to my apartment with cats and alida in it. it'll just be cats. i know it's a needed move that is going to do us both good in the end, but prospect of losing this comfort and security even just for a brief period is difficult to stomach.

the point is, though, that i AM doing what i want to do - go get my hands dirty to help those in need. i will also be buckling down to finish my master's program strong when i return and finally get the ball rolling for my career - to realize my dream. as ani says, i need to leave my comfort, i need to leave my love and home and security to see the truth. so help me goddess of the mother earth - give me strength and courage to live this life to its fullest and to be able to transcend it to the others who are less fortunate....

i had to leave the house of fashion
go forth naked from its doors
cuz women should be allies
not competitors
and i had to leave the house of god
cuz the cross replaced the wheel
and the goddesses were out in the garden
with the plants that nourish and heal

i had to leave the house of privilege
spend christmas homeless and feeling bad
to learn that privilege is a headache
that you don't know that you don't have
and i had to leave the house of television
to start noticing the clouds
it's amazing the stuff you see
when you finally shed that shroud

i had to leave the house of conformity
in order to make art
i had to be more or less true
to learn to tell the two apart
and i had to leave the house of fear
just about as soon as i could crawl
ignore my face on the wanted posters
stuck to the post office wall

i had to leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than i am, and who
ever said that life is suffering
i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
ain't the power of transcendence
the greatest one we can employ

shroud - ani difranco