the honest vow and happy when i grow up

tonight is my night off - well, from the hectic week of trying to reanalyze and rewrite my thesis for the manuscript that i'm trying to publish, so naturally i indulged in my netflix movie, cheap take out, and a couple of brewskies. now i'm sipping on my grown-up's drink and having a conversation on a blog, because the film i watched made me think, and obviously, i have no one to talk to, so here i am. in the virtual reality of nameless ears (well... eyes to be exact).

the film was called "ira and abby" and it was a very smart, modern satire of marriage, or the misguided ideals of marriage. it was done poignantly but hilariously, and i loved it. the best part was that i could see so much of myself and my insecurities in the protagonist, and it felt good to see myself from outside. he is this charming dude, well brought up with plenty of money by manhattan psychologists, but clearly neurotic, obsessive compulsive, unhappy and extremely jealous (mostly because of the way he was raised, it seemed). now, i'm not that bad, but still, watching him talk about himself in therapy (mind you, he himself is a psych phd student...) and not being able to articulate what's bothering him was just priceless. anyway, this all-loving, sweet, generous, happy, care-free girl literally walks into his life and turns it upseide down and they get married on like a second date. and from there on, they battle with the ideals of marriage set forth by their parents (who have their troubles on their own but don't surface until later), and the societty's naive faith that marriage is this magical thing that somehow we are supposed to be able to keep. after few thousand dollars of therapy sessions and a couple of divorces and weddings, the protagonist and his wife decide to get divorced for the last time and be happy together without this label of "marriage." the dude's last vow was simple and wonderful, and most importantly, honest - "i promise to love you and only you for as long as it remains true."

i guess the take home message, at least for me, is that glory of marriage is not necessarily love, and that marriage puts this extra pressure of having have to work things out or bring this notion of everying having to be perfect or something like that, and it just makes people insecure in their very relationship, taking all the fun out of it. at the same time, this couple was able to remain "together" in a sense that they were able to continue loving each other even though they went for it faster than a lesbian light speed. i guess trusting one's instinct may just be the answer. easier said than done, perhaps, but i like that. i just hate to settle for anything less than that sense of "this is it" just because everything else "seem" right. i want to feel it in the gut and i want serendipity to be perched on my shoulder at all times, and for my partner to feel its presence with me. i know it can happen. i have been there once.

i once knew someone older, whose goal as a young person was to be happy when he grew up. nothing more, nothing less. you know, i admire that. i want to be happy when i grow up. it was that kinda movie. i recommend it.

'p valley my home

i was reckless enough (and fed up from life enough) to drive in the snow storm last friday afternoon to drive to amherst to spend the weekend with cherry. i nearly killed myself once or twice and saw numerous accidents that looked fatal, but nonetheless i made it safely, despite the fact that it took me about 4.5 hours to get there. i can typically make it in under 2 hrs. it was really nice to see cherry, and since edie's concert that we planned to go in east hampton was canceled that night, we stayed in and watched the documentary "sicko" by micheal moore. american health system has so much flaw (which i knew, and i've learned inside out in one of my classes last semester) and it frustrates me so much that the "managed care" concept has been associated with complete EVIL, because the idea behind managed care is not supposed to be what it is perceived to be. the true rational behind managed care is supposed to be providing the basic health care that we ALL deserve to ALL people at a small cost of restrictions in who they can see and what they can get. somehow this small sacrifice for the greater good for ALL has been distorted and is now received by the society as a means to take free will and choice out of people's lives. the film definitely did that, but it also told other stories about inequity and injustice in health care, adverse selection and underwriting in health insurance coverage in particular, which i know happen all the time. it also compared the health outcome and the cost of the US health care system with that of other countries, and although i know that there is a clear and serious inefficiencies in the US system, the movie seemed to glorify the other systems that i know have problems of their own. regardless, the film was entertaining, and i was stoked to have been able to talk about it with cherry who is also very keen on public health and social justice.

then on saturday i had the priveledge of watching cherry's girl's basketball team (amherst sparks) beat their opponents by a landslide. her girls are GOOD. and cherry is a fantastic coach. sparks was much more skilled and technical compared to their opponent, and the girls just seemed to be playing it because they have fun, which is the way youth sports should be played. not like the way it is played all over this country, where their lives are sports not necessary because they love playing it but because that's what's expected out of them, and because they are brainwashed to believe that that's how you get ahead in life. it was nice to see these kids enjoying a sport with friend on saturday afternoon. in the evening, we headed out to umass to see their rendition of vagina monologues, in which one of cherry's friends was performing. i had such a great time. the message of it all was powerful and inspirational, and i especially enjoyed the barack obama orgasms that went (naturally): "YES WE CAN!! SI SE PUEDE!!!"

sunday was slow and wonderful, the way sundays should be. we decided to head into the "big city" of northampton (as cherry calls it) and strolled through the campus of my alma mater, stopped at the botanical garden, told crazy collegiate stories of mine, and shopped around in town. i absolutely LOVE smith. it was beautiful and snowcapped, with white mt. tom in the background. it brought back all sorts of memories and made me feel nostalgic as it always does. i miss the way things were, even though i know i am pretty content with where i am in my life now. i guess it's the same sense of homesickness or attachment people feel to their hometown or their homes. this was my home. now my family are scattered all over the world, and i miss the utter fact of college life: friends twenty-four-seven at your finger tips. there was an unspoken bond among us all, a solidarity of womenhood, a unity of radical young adults, the pride of queers, however you want to call it, it was there, and i ate it all up. i lived on it. it was my sustenance. of course i crave it even till this day. in my social movement class on monday, we talked about how college students nowadays don't protest as much as they used to during the vietnam era. and even though i agreed, i remember thinking back to when i was in college and how everyday there was a talk of protest. even if it's a tiny one (like house protest) there was definitely one every week. there was campus wide "walk outs" there was "celebration" there were vigils, ah the joy of pioneer valley's five colleges! (obviously smith is the best) i am so proud and joyous to be able to honestly proclaim that i absolutely LOVED my time in college. because i know a lot of people can't say that. for that, i thank sophia smith, my parents, and whatever higher power or fate or goddess that put me in smith.

i hope to get back to the valley and smith again sometime soon. (besides, i want to see edie play! i miss her music...)

michael pollan my man

he was at brown last night, and i joined the overflowing crowed and watched him speak via simul-cast in lower solomon. he is such an intelligent, witty, earthy, engaging, charismatic speaker - i loved his talk. he was supposed to speak only for 40 min, but he ended up talking for over an hour, and the time flew like it was nothing. he was just great. again, most of the things he said, which was pretty much all from his newest book "in defense of food: an eater's manifesto", i knew already. but i certainly learned A LOT about the backdrop of the american food culture (or lack thereof to be exact) and how we came to be where we are now. the idea of nutiritionism was something i had not really thought about, and specific historical events (government endorsed or otherwise) especially in regards to scietific "findings" or "evidence" and how it took the true meaning out of food or in the process of preparing and eating food was interesting to learn about. he concluded by talking to us one of my own beliefs; the importance of culture and the wisdom of eating from which it arises. for example, in his words "don't eat things your great-grand mother would not recognize as food, like go-gurt" which i thought was hilarious but oh so true. it doesn't have to be great-grand mother - it could just be my mother. she would NEVER eat something like go-gurt. disgusting. and, pollan also said the dietary health, the "healthy eating habits" is not just about nutrition, but it should be considered as a chain of events, and each component should be healthy and sustainable, because truly "healthy" food cannot be produced if it comes from unhealthy soil, environment, or treatment.

i just love food and i want to eat well. i know i'm a little bit obsessed with this... but i have to admit, i was excited to have had my book signed (personalized to me!) by such a great scholar/journalist in the field!!

more about him and his books/work can be found here.

rockin' brett dennen

So Long, Miesery - Brett Dennen

So Long, my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

Daylight lives like a burden for me
so I escape
sent it strewn about the street
beyond the ruins of my ancestry
far past the pages of my disbelief
I rose from my moat
like a ghost from a grave
sunken in the salty eyes of the wandering displaced
I was heading through the mist across the golden gate
all of my rebellions fall into the fog of fate

So long my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

Spring time came again
and Icarus fell
I flew past the numb lipped nuns who'll never tell
the secrets of the sailors and their 7 year spell
I will not fall, nor will my wings ever melt
if I could I would wash all these wounds away
I would surround your room with a sense of mental grace
I would paint your portrait over everything mundane
more colorful than Easter Sunday

so long my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

put me on a boat
leave my inhibitions at bay
my mind is spilling
but I haven't much to say
I was running through the canyons
pulse the echoes of your name
you were laughing at me like
the sun laughs at a flame
put me on a page in a book of beginnings
let me scroll me through old volumes of ancient teachings
let me reveal in all of these forgotten feelings
lay me with the wretched in the arms of my queen

so long sweet misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries
no I haven't slept in centuries
I haven't slept in centuries

vegetannual, locavore, and sweet edible pick-up line

so anyone who knows me well knows how much i love food and cooking. i love the taste of an ingredient on its own, mixed with others, and the very unique culture that surrounds growing, preparing, and eating the food. i was raised with very strict consciousness for nutrition and appreciation for every edible thing that went into my mouth. i was taught never to leave a grain of rice behind on my plate because a farmer spent his life growing that one grain of rice for me to eat. as an adult, i now use home cooked meals to seduce women, and i flat out refuse to date anyone who does not find joy in food.

perhaps this utter joy and passion for food bloomed from the fact that for about a half of my life i've eaten dormitory food - mind you, some of them were GOOD - often coming from the same place that supplied prison meals. i tried to be creative in those years by mixing different food that was available to me and make peculiar concoctions to suit my taste. now that i have my own kitchen and i have the freedom to excercise my own food beliefs and ideals, i've been going all out with my commitment to feed myself and my guests well.

i recently began reading kinsolver's animal, vegetable, miracle, and i bought omnivor's dilemma to read next. as i began the vegetannual journey with kingsolver, my pre-existing desire to want to change the way i purchase food has increased 10-folds. not to be snotty, but the most things she writes, i knew already. especially growing up in japan, seasonal eating was almost a given, for the most part. i was used to hearing my mother and our home helper talking about meals and how such veggies and fish are in season. and i knew from experience that off-season foods tasted not nearly as good as those in season. it was a common sense for me to know that watermelons are for the summer and pumpkins are in the winter (as a matter of fact, japanese calendar designates certain days to be the time to eat pumpkins, called "to-ji"). the sanma fish i love so dearly came in the fall, and so did the crisp waterly asian pears. japanese people also bring/send fruits, grains, fish, and veggies in season as gifts for celebratory occasions. i guess in a way, food is a very much considered an asset, something that is integral and priviledged to be able to have. it is a culture that is deeply connected to the "japanese-ness" that i hold so dearly in my heart, and i think this is precisely what it lacking from the fast-paced, competitive, you-earn-what-you-get philosophy of the american culture that makes food taste like sh*t and making us die from it.

even when i look back to the first few years i lived here, i was certainly flabbergasted by the american abundance and convenience of the mega-grocery stores, but eventually i became desensitized and for a while, i did enjoy the luxury of being able to eat citrus that's not winter-clementines you get in japan in the dead of the winter, and have a perfect bananas whenever i desired.

then i became more socially aware. i learned of the pesticides and genetic modification, and about livestock maltreatments and exploitation of foreign laborers. then came the carbon footprints, genetic patents, and oversubsidies of corn and soy farms, over cultivation, overproduction, over fishing... the list goes on. so i began the slow transition of becoming a socially responsible eater, although it came with other side of the equation: the recognizing it is a priviledge to be able to practice socially responsible eating habits. although technically, purchasing from local farmers at farmers' markets and preparing meals at home is economically favorable, it is chronologically much more efficient to buy packages of TV dinners and frozen pizzas. a lot of people are not only economically deprived but time and effort are also an essential part of their food system. especially for those who live an honest life. this includes young professionals and students whose lives are controlled by the paper deadlines and conferences with minimal work-study wages.

what i began to realize, is the mere fact that people need to be reintroduced to food not as something that comes three times a day so that your stomach doesn't go grrrrrrr, but something to take time to enjoy and appreciate. this is certainly something easier said than done, because i myself is often forced to gulf down whatever i have conveniently availale in a matter of 15 minutes in between classes or meetings or whatever i'm up to. but i guess my point is this - it was unthinkable for me to discover as a young person that sometimes in the US, the lunch for children is a penut butter and jelly sandwitch and a handful of carrot sticks, and dinner is mac and cheese and may be 3 stems of steamed broccoli. WTF. of course americans don't know what food tastes good! even children have tastebuds, and appreciation for "tasty" foods. i think american adults often underestimate that and are unbalancingly stressed out about feeding children vegitables. well, i say if you want kids to eat vegitables, make them taste good. and the same goes for adults. i think a lot of people will recognize the joy of eating (not just about the taste, but the whole experience of it) once they learn to see food as means to enjoy life.

here is what i do to make sure that i enjoy my food:

1) cook as much as i can (don't worry about cooking for one person - leftovers make wonderful lunch the next day and save you few bucks!)
2) when i cook, i try to be as creative as i can using different spices and ingredients, and not afraid to be experimental
3) purchase produce that are local (my current goal is east coast only)
4) purchase prudece that are in season (which sort of comes with number 3)
5) carry "fish" list that tells you which fish are over fished and only eat ones that are either abundant or raised in a sustainable farms
6) DO NOT WASTE ANYTHING - often times you can still eat slightly wilted vegitables especially if you just throw them in soups, etc.
7) avoid products with corn syrup
8) only drink brewskies from the northeast

these i've been practicing for a while now and it's very doable. and i make good meals - ask any of my friends, ex's or dates. ;)

now, these are the next step i want to take especially when i move back to california and my life is not tied down by the due dates of academia:

1) start my own garden that could supply some of vegitables and herbs
2) can and dry-preserve some produce that will not be available off-season
3) only purchase produce that come from the central coast up of california
4) sign up for the farm share
5) never buy lunches
6) stop eating meats unless i am part of the sacrifice process
7) brew my own beer

these i think will definitely take some more commitment, but i would like to try it. besides, california is much easier place to excercise sustainable food culture anyway. i mean, chez panisse was practically my neighbor when i lived out there. if alice could do it commercially, i should be able to do it at home. may be i'd finally be able to find a woman who will fall for me for this commitment to good eating...

the power of words and music: YES. WE. CAN.

YES WE CAN SONG

if you haven't seen this, please, for love of the world, go see it. and read what the dude from black eyed peas who created it has to say. it moved me so much with inspiration and courage, that i cannot control my own trembling. i have not felt this way since my time on the thai-burma border. the following is what i posted in response to seeing this absolutely amazing video:

you have inspired and touch my core. because i’m an immigrant and i can’t vote, i had not been paying attention to the details of the candidacies and what each candidate stands for. this made me realize that perhaps there is something i can do to change the ways of the world. i strive for the passions of ghandi and commitment of dr. cynthia on the thai-burma border. i believe in love and the humanity that unites us together as humans. i am not any special, in a way that is typically recognized in the society. but i have my values and i thrive to share my ideals and dreams. i have been in a bit of a slump lately, but now i cannot cease my trembling since seeing this video. this brought me tears and fed fuels to my fire all at the same time. thank you obama, and thank you black eyed peas, thank you all the musicians thriving on creativity and dedication, and thank you all the grassroots advocates and activists trying to bring justice to the tainted world that we live in today. i pray for peace, for everyone living and dead who believe[d] in love and understanding.

................................................................................

"It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea --

Yes. We. Can."

-Barack Obama