r e p r i e v e

holly shit - ani has done it again....! i got the CD today after a LONG ass day of classes and domestic duties. oh it is SO good. she sings like she speaks, like she is muttering in her dream where her subconscious battles with her intelligence and creativity. oh oh oh it is so damn good. go out and buy it NOW. i promise it won't be a disappointment. and the cover is a picture of a tree that she drew, which was inspired by a picture she saw of a tree in nagasaki, taken soon after the explosion of the a-bomb, and i am nearly to the tears. and her words speak to me so deeply. i can't wait for the concert in november.

gin bucket and ye old providence

yesterday was the first league game of providence women's rugby and we beat great northern by a landslide. i was not going to start originally, but because of the absence of some players i ended up playing most of the game. i played okay - there were some really good momments rucking and scrumming, winning the posession of the ball. i need to learn how to be quick on the forward punches. but anyway, we had fun putting the field together (measuring the lines and drawing crooked lines to make up the pitch.... that was a lot of work.....!) and playing in the blazing hot sun trying to leave last footprints of summer in the september new england. the social at the sticky fingers (yes, that is the name of our sponsoring restaurant/bar) was quite fun, they let us step outside to their parking lot in the back to sing rugby songs which i haven't sang since college! we also did boat race in which i was recruited to take a spot, and obviously we won - i will never let the legacy of smith rugby down!!! after we got pretty happy with free sponsored beer, we made plans to meet up at my apartment for the traditional GIN BUCKET race. these girls are CRAZY. perhaps even crazier than smith ruggers.... well, not quite. so let me explain gin bucket for a moment; basically you have teams and each team gets a trash can filled with half handle of gin, two litters of fresca, and half bag of ice, and you drink it with TURKEY BASTER passed around among your team mates. you are only allowed to puke once, and you can recruite bystanders as "little birds" and squirt the juice into their mouths if you cannot possibly drink anymore. ha. CRAZY. the team lastnight ended up being all the veterans versus rookies and myrta, and of course, we won! again, i will never let smith rugby down!! although we did have two pukers. the evening ended with adrienne, jen, annie and i sneaking to pulse for girlspot while others (straight girls, basically) went back to sticky fingers to meet up with the men's team. pulse was more hoppin then last time i was there, and i danced quite a lot with a pole, the gals, and some random girls. it was fun.

so obviously i was exhausted and drunk, and ended up sleeping until like noon today, although i did get up at my usually hours and fed the cats. i had all sorts of interesting dreams, and just could not fully wake up for a long time. after finally getting up and cleaning the trash cans and basters, i decided to take a walk to downtown (people here call it "down city" which i think is really cool) to explore this city that has been challenging me. i also wanted to be able to show alida why our life here could be fun. here is what i found out - or what i think this city is all about:

i believe that providence is the poster-case of the industrialization tragedy. this city has flourished as one of the major ports for fish canning industry and other no-longer-popular industries such as steel and railroad. but as the franchised, monopolized capitalism came in, the businesses got bought out and people began moving away to either to suburban areas or other big cities, namely boston and new york. as a result providence ended up being an empty hole of a donut, where beutiful brick warehouses and victorian homes, and sky-rises were left unoccupied, becoming the city without neighborhoods. the construction of providence mall didn't help either. the problem is, all major big-name retail stores prefer to exist in a place where there are guaranteed customers, and since the providence place mall IS such the place where pretty much all providence residence shop (except for me!) they all have stores there instead of having individual buatique in down town area. the cost of renting and maintaining these historical buildings in down city is probably adding to the problem too, that local small restaurants and shops are simply unable to afford the space, thus the spaces are either left untouched or filled with dunkin donuts and starbucks. as i walked down waybossett and westminster and other streets of down city, i saw some amazing, beautiful architechture that are historic, with lots of details that speak of the time when providence flourished as the ocean city. it also has such great potential to be a great neighborhood, with small bistors and bars, with privately owned buetiques and cafes. only if the providence place mall was not built.... i cannot help but think about that. however i did see some efforts in trying to bring privately owned stores into the vacant spaces in these streets, and there are some that already exist. there are also a lot of warehouse renovations to convert these spaces into gorgeous lofts (which i've been looking into but hell, they are expensive!!) which would also utilize the empty space effectively and bring the people back into the down city area. i realized today, walking under the crisp warm early fall sun, that this city could be like new york only if people were able to make "that kind" of commitment to rebuilding the community. new yorkers LOVE new york. and in most neighborhoods, families still own corner stores and restaurants. even big-named retail shops have their butiques in the buildings that has been on the streets of new york for decades.

the point is, i want to like providence and i want alida to enjoy it as well. perhaps with a little more knowledge of where this city has come from, we can be understanding and actually try to help bringing the old providence community back to what it's supposed to be. i want to see the now sporatic existance of shops, galleries and restaurants evolve into a neighborhood, with diverse group of city people filling the streets on weekends. i want to see more affordable residential quarters in the heart of the city. then, i think, i might just love providence that way.

near and far, lost and found

i'm back at school now. today i had two classes and i have one tomorrow. ay yay yay..... i don't quite know how i feel about this.

so hear this - on sunday i had a surprise visit by jen frederick and adrienne matthews whom i hadn't seen since they graduated from college about five years ago. they called up gracey and told her that they (meaning all the tyler '03ers) were all meeting up in the boston area to say bye to adrienne who is going away to london for a year, and that they were going to drive out to p-town to see grace. it happens that only jen an adrienne were able to actually follow through, but i was extatic to see both of them, especially adrienne whom i used to hang out quite often, and whom kept me hanging when i called her few years back. apparently she lost my number (she answered my call at work and couldn't talk and naturally couldn't remember that she was supposed to call me back). they both looked great and it was just so nice to be surrounded by familar faces and reminisce familiar people and stories. we walked around town talking all day, catching up about where we've been and what we've done, and where we're headed, etc... it was rather interesting to learn about how similarly adrienne and i were motivated and how we were all moving onto the new page of our lives quite unexpectedly, her to london, me to providence, grace to boston... at night after watching stupid movies on comedy central we went to eat at way down town. after that, gracey fell asleep like she always does, so the rest of us got happy and played trivial pursuit. genus edition. i couldn't answer any of the entertainment questions, but it was fun just being dumb like we all used to on the fourth floor of tyler. jen got the most pie - she was brilliant unlike adrienne or i.

monday was a bit heart-breaking, for everyone was leaving. adrienne and i helped grace and her parents pack the volvo for her to go back to school while i was doing laundry in her house. then adrienne and i went on a walk on the beach while grace was running errands with monica and jen was going on a run and caught up some more. it was nice - probably my last summer day on the beach this season, and i was glad to have spent that moment with a friend who i thought of but had no way to keep in touch. in the late afternoon, adrienne and jen went back to boston, and soon after grace and i left. we left mandy behind, who is flying back today to virginia to go back to school.... sad sad scene. i realized that we are all stepping onto the new stages of our lives, and we are all antsy and uneasy, like a teething kitten or a molting insect. it feels as though you have an itch where you can't reach, and just can't help but to let the time do its magic. i can't wait to meet up with these people again. i love my friends near and far, lost and found.

envoy

was what we ended up driving on our x-country trip back in june-july, with shame and self-loathing, though we eventually let go of the enigma thinking that even if things did end up working out and got a minivan, the damage (on the environment and our wallets) would have been just as bad. so the team, caitlin, alida and myself set off to an incredible journey of western frontier to relocate, visiting places and people that would stay with our hearts forever.

i had plan the trip in advance, working from the previous x-country trip i had done (to move to california with morgan in a rented u-haul), and planning to visit places that cait and alida wanted to see. the goal was 12 days, and we had to get to st. paul airport by the nineth day to send caitlin back to california.

DAY 1:
after an absolute chaos of packing up the ABF "U-Pack" container and cleaning out the apartment, caitlin and i packed the suv to the ceiling, and picked up alida who saw the situation and could only half-smile in simple shock. so we jammed packed ourselves with cats in the kennels, and drove off to the pet resort in south san francisco. after tearful good byes to the cats we finally got on the road, only to discover that we are sandwiched between two bumpers for at least an hour moving inch by inch. as you can imagine, we couldn't cover as many miles as we planned that day, so we found us a room at a motel...... wait, a suite at a hotel in bakersfield because that was the cheapest thing available (and no joke). the young dude at the front desk who checked us in was an airhead. but we enjoyed the stay anyway. no fun without a good night of sleep.

DAY 2:
we had to cover A LOT of miles that day. so we set off early and drove to death valley where we found nothing but HEAT. it was 115F when we first arrived. i'm sure if i cracked an egg on our car, it would have cooked a perfectly fine fried egg. when we entered the park, we each received a postcard that said "heat kills" with a picture of a skeleton in the desert with an empty bottle, with some informative messages about how to keep hydrated, etc. we found the card incredible, and decided to send one to alida's parents who had been (and probably were) worried about this trip in general. the land scape in death valley was deserty and well, the name death valley is rather perfect. there were no natural living soul except for may be some wilted desert vegitation and perhaps a scorpion that was hiding under the rock. the crows were panting (literally with their beaks spread open wide) in the brush shade at the lodge, and the sprinkler were spurting out hot water. the scenery was nothing you would see anywhere, and it tintilated the drive for deathly things, the ultimate and most deep rooted human nature. it was beautiful in a whole new genre. awestricken, we continued on our driving (besides, we could not stay in that heat any longer) headed to our next stop, grand canyon. the drive out of the desert was long, peaceful, and sleepy. with sleeping alida on my side, caitlin and i became tense that we were lost because the road never ended, because we passed no other cars, because we were alone in the desert with death as its name, because we felt the power of nature's deepest secret, the truth of one's inevitable, the loneliness of its process and the life itself.

after couple of hours, we reached a highway that led us to the sparkling civilization - the rotten capitalism coated with leisure called las vegas. alida took some great pictures (inspired by her photography instructor she had in mexico) while we had some good laughs looking at ridiculous adds for strip clubs and shows. after a pit stop at a seven-eleven (which we could not find forever) we left vegas and made our way towards grand canyon through colorful desert sunset. we decided to pitch our tent at a roadside campground that was slightly sketchy, but good enough, dreaming about the beauty that awaits us.


DAY 3:
another beautiful day, sunny with some clouds and hot. we made pretty good miles the day before, so we reached grand canyon by the early afternoon. in the meantime, we tried to figure out whether the news we received from alida's father about a fire in grand canyon was true. he also thought the park was closed because of the fire, and thus for obvious reasons we were hasty to find out what the real deal was. despite our effort of calling all sorts of national park numbers, we reached the park, and we were relieved to find a long line of cars waiting at the entrance, hoping to spend the independence day weekend in the heart of american geological treasure. i felt a small sense of shame, a self-agony of one kind, in contributing this ironic act of humans, driving air-polluting machine into a national park.... regardless, my excitement for being at the grand canyon won over my resentment and entered the park singing and dancing in my seat. it made the other girls laugh and it felt great. we decided to get to the campground first, since at the entrance we found out that there was in fact a forest fire on the north rim side (which is known to be prettier and i wanted to camp on that side) and that it was closed to the public. after pitching our tent, we went on a short hike down towards the canyon although we were told to be careful of heat stroke because it was excruciatingly HOT. apparently people die hiking down or up the canyon in that kind of weather. so we packed a backpack full of gatrade and water and decided to go as far as we feel comfortable, so that we won't get stuck somewhere dehydrated and sick from excessive sun and heat. the trail was beautiful, and how i wished to have been able to hike down to the river! but it was definitely unsafe to take on such expedition untrained in the middle of the day in july. so we went a couple of miles and turned around. along the way there were cacti and small desert birds, as well as tanned hunky workers putting boulders and logs to the edges of the trail. props to them. we were thoroughly impressed by their hard work. such amazing scenery and experience. sweat felt good and we were hungry. so we went back to the tent and spent a wonderful night at the park.

DAY 4:
we wanted to go see the sunrise, but obviously, we didn't get up in time so instead we ate quick breakfast and drove around the park to explore some more. i just could not get over the fact that this incredible crevice of the earth was created by the flow of the colorado, small yet stubborn and consistent force of water that flowed for millions of years. every time i see such work of art by the nature, i cannot help but to feel the pulsing energy of something higher than all of us, perhaps god, perhaps the mother earth itself, but something that connects all humans, something that makes us feel desolate and yet so blissful and content, something that remind us of the history, and the magic of the universe. with such sentimental emotions in our hearts, we decided we needed a shower. we hadn't taken shower since the hotel in bakersfield and we had been sweating everyday. well, unfortunately when we got to the shower house it was packed and there was no one in an office to change our bills to coins... since we had to make our ways up to utah, we bagged the idea of fresh water on our skin and got our stinkin' selves back into the car and drove our way to zion national park. along the way, we saw heart-breaking sights of native american settlements. broken huts, trailers and abandoned trucks. vendors on the sides of the road trying to make a living out of selling their crafts to ignorant tourists who know very little (if any) of their history and the mark colonization left on this country. once again, we were reminded of humans' imperfection and shortcomings as we stopped at one of the vendors. we bought some souvenirs to remind us of natives' suffering, pain and hope. as the earth turned color from fire-y orange-red to orange-grey, we reached zion national park, and oh my how beautiful it was. it was my first time being there and it completely lived up to my expectations. we also learned the story behind the name "zion" which turns out to come from "not zion," a phrase spoken by a mormon leader when his people first discovered the area and thought that this must be what zion looks like. but to him, it was "awfully beautiful, but not zion." we were able to get a nice spot in the camp ground right by the river, and we were finally able to swim in the fresh water (we had been wanting to do this since we set off on this trip). never mind swimming in the river - we were swimming in the river in zion, surrounded by boulders and cliffs that stand high in the heavens. this also happened to be my twenty-fifth birthday, and i could not have spend my birthday any other way. we played in the water for a really long time until the sun began to set and we began to feel a little chilly. after we got out of the water and made dinner, we celebrated my birthday with carrot cake flavored odwalla bar. i was thankful to this amazing trip and the love i received from alida and caitlin, and wished the same kind of love and peace to the rest of the world as i blew my match (which was used in a place of a candle).


DAY 5:
it was a little bit cloudy and little bit cooler - a perfect day for a hike. we packed up our tent and left our river behind to go on a hike to the emerald pool. in order to prevent pollution, you have to take the electric shuttle to the trailhead, so we caught the shuttle from the park headquarters. the trail began at the small wooden bridge that crossed the river, and went around the foot of the giant cliff. there were many gorgeous spots along the way, from small water falls to frogs to striated rocks, and it was just a fun little hike that was peaceful to the heart and soul. at the emerald pool, hundreds of small birds flew left and right perhaps to catch a small bug or a fish residing in the pool. everything was calm and the little rain drops that began to fall added rather perfect flavor to the whole experience.

after grabbing a hot meal at the park headquarters, we got on the road to make our way to orem where our friend darci lives. i also had plans to meet up with lindsay whom i had not seen since the college graduation, so i called her and arranged a final plan to meet up at darci's house. most of the drive from zion was straightforward, a long highway that drove through small cities and towns, a typical american scenery. we got to darci's house - well, her sister's house to be exact - with a view of beautiful utah mountain range before the sunset, and lindsay arrived soon after we got washed up and rested. at night, we headed out to say hello to darci's giant mormon family who were very welcoming and offered us homemade ice cream. the kids were cute and the adults told us fun stories about darci's childhood. nightmares it may be for darci, i enjoyed the warmth of a large family, an atmosphere of celebratory occasion (the independence day) bound by love of the kinship. we then left orem to go to sundance, to a bar where a famous western film was made. we were hoping there would be food, but unfortunately they didn't have any that night, so we just drank our stomach full and chatted with darci's bro, his girlfriend, darci's ex-girlfriend, and caught up with my dear friend lindsay whom i had missed so much. the rest of the night is a little bit fuzzy in my memory, perhaps from the beer on empty stomach, but we got a drive-thru burritos on the way back to orem, yucky in idea now i think about it, but tasty in actuality (as much as i remember), and went to sleep.... well, some of us did, and some of us flirted and watched tv all night long....

to be continued.....

whales

after my first rugby match with the providence women's on saturday, i drove down to NYC to meet up with alida who just flew back from cali to be with her brother mika and his girlfriend lani to wait for their trip to italy. i absolutely loved mika and lani and i look forward getting to know them further. i also found myself falling in love with NYC all over again. i always loved visiting the big apple, but i realized that i would actually really love to live there for a little while in spite of my typical notion of not wanting to have a life there.

in the pouring rain i left NYC and alida on tuesday and came to ptown, where i met up with my dearest amanda clemons whom i hadn't seen since our college graduation (she and jenn carter and i had a reuniting weekend up in burlington few weeks back). she and i caught up with our lives and had a great time hanging out with grace and monica (who took us on a boat to hang out at race point!), and we also ended up whale watching which turned out to be absolutely breath-taking.

we were told that the cape cod whale watching this summer (in stellwagen bank) has been quite successful, and the expectations were met to say the least. we saw whales of all kinds, from the tiny minke whales to the famous hump back, and the second largest living mammal on earth: finback whales. since we went on the evening tour, the sun was setting beautifully and provided me a perfect backdrop for my whale photos, and i felt myself aboslutely enthralled by these amazing creatures and the sea that provides life for them. i still wonder, sometimes, that i should be studying to become marine biologist. i love everything about the ocean and all lives that live in it. i am constantly mesmerized by the mystery of the oceanic forces and harmony, and want to help preserve its essence from being destroyed.

so much to be done. so little time. i guess by partaking in admiring these whales and the ocean, i'm taking a small step in helping the nature thrive. or at least i should hope so.

heartthrob, poetry and french-canadian

since alida has abandoned me here to be with her family in italy, i decided to spend my week off amongst the queers in p-town. i've missed this highly artificial, stereotypical, commercialized cape cod town filled with gay men high in their feromones. there's something absolutely amazing about the juxtaposition of saltiness of the new england fishery history and the flashy culture of queens, and i always find myself here whenever i seek comfort away from the reality.

so i just got back from an amazing evening filled with random assortment of goodies.

my friend krista, a hot, heart-breaking hearthrob much reminiscent of shaine from the l word (who owns a restaurant in jamaica plain and drives audi hard-top convertible) invited me over to her lady-friend's friend pauls' house in east end. food was great despite the fact that paul and their friend karen were significantly late in getting back from their t-dance outing. after a couple of hours of dyke talk, krista and robin left to go back to beantown, and the rest of us sat around sipping on cabernet reading poetry to each other in the glow of flickering candle lights. karen is an aspiring poet who is actually getting her first poem published, and her semi-dark sense of beauty was very tasteful in her poetry. then she and i borrowed paul's creaking bikes and rode to pied for an after party, where i danced with this french-canadian pretty girl who was too drunk to have any coherent conversation. we had fun dancing though - she wouldn't come down to the floor from the platform so i ended up dancing on the platform with her to some salsa music. that was embarrasing but definately fun. then i met a nice girl erin from burlington whom i danced with and talked with. she wants to move out west to SF where she visited with her girlfriend few months back, and i told her that they should. in the meantime, i told her that alida and i would probably be up in burl-town often, so that we should hang out. i love making new friends!

soon later i left pied to return the bike to paul's house and walked on commercial all the way from the east end to the west end where my apartment is. the night was breezy and cool. i couldn't help but think of alida's scent and her enchanting gaze. i wish she was here with me.

stories

i realized that it has gotten increasingly difficult to keep in touch with people that are dear to me. i've been all over the place and my friend-to-keep-in-touch list has accumulated to the ceiling. besides, many of these friends are also all over the globe, without skype (if you don't have it already, go get it here - my sweet friend syreeta is a spokesperson for it, and it let's you talk to people all over the world for free) and without a permanant addresses. with these thoughts in my head, i've been reading friends' blogs and decided to launch one of my own. this way, at least some of yous may be excited to know what's been going on in my life, and perhaps you will let me know of your adventures.

this summer was overwhelmingly eventful, transitional and emtion-filled, reuniting and revisiting. i said good bye to my beloved san francisco bay area and that was heart breaking to this day. i haven't quite found my niche in providence, and i miss the friends i left behind in the fog city every minute. though i must point out, reuniting has been one of the main events this summer as well. and visiting many places that are close to my heart. so here it goes - my stories that some of your may find amusing...