purging
it snowed again today. my heart is accepting this wet dreary winter blues little better than it did last month. two weeks of endless food and the comfort of my own determination to care for my parents helped. going to the gym empty mindedly helped. reading the last book of harry potter helped. crafting little cats and dogs with clay for my mother's japanese craft dolls' minature diorama helped. i love working with my hands.
i lost a friend recently to her soul-searching trip overseas, but i seemed to have gained a few more. it came by a surprise, but perhaps it was my own fault for not reaching out to the right people. i spent a lovely evening with annie the other day, going to a concert opened by meg and the feature was the funniest dyke singer i have ever seen in my whole damn life. her music had a certain level of maturity to them; with humor and the contentment about the world. i was very glad to have seen her - i was tearing not because of the sorrow, but because i was laughing so hard. and i got to say hello to meg, which had been way overdue, and she looked great and i noticed that she has lots of light and colors in her eyes. so beautiful. so much like her music. then adrienne and jen asked if i wanted to go out, and as a matter of fact, i was in such a jolly mood that i jumped in the wagon right away, and i found blaire. it was a great night. so was lastnight, where i got to hang out with annie, adrienne, jen, and blaire all together cozy with the wood stove and brownies. THIS is what i had missed. THIS was exactly what i had been missing. we watched the newest season of the L word (which was purchased by adrienne after a relentless search for someone with showtime that ended unsuccessfully), american gladiators, and played nintendo.
in my daily contemplations of life, i've made a few realization recently:
1) i am begining to see small beauties again (particulary in women.... what a surprise), like the way arm muscles move when folk singer strums her guitar, my mentor's hands, the concentrating gaze on my friend's profile, the snow on the bare branches, my cats' faces.
2) writing songs might just be my remedy. i've written 4 thus far, and i think 1 more is being molded in my head as we speak... it feels almost like a big belch or some sort of bodily release when i write one. such a good feeling. this allowed me to cope so much better with my battles.
3) 23 is a okay. not too young. it is a fact that it depends on the person.
4) and naturally, going on 27 is not that old. despite my sprouts of gray hair and my friends' weddings and baby showers.
5) i am not the only one with neurotic tendencies. someone obsesses with closing the blinds, and someone else just likes to vacuum all the time.
6) i don't mind cleaning the toilet and the sink. but i still hate cleaning the stove top and the bathtub.
7) lastly, but most importantly, even though it was painful and rather discouraging to accept it, i realized the actual difficulty of loving me. my neurocies and stubbornness and moodiness aside, the circumstance of my life is hard to bear for anybody. it is hard for me even. of course it would be hard for someone who is committed to loving me. my life will forever be split between here and japan, and i will always speak the language the lover will probably not be able to understand. i will be traveling back and forth between the two countries and go spend holidays with my parents who are unaware of my identity. my lover will most likely be introduced as "a close someone" if the chance ever arrives, and there is no guarantee that i will not have a family of my own once it gets out. i will (hopefully...!) and i strive to have a career that will keep me away from my loved ones from time to time, perhaps all the time to start with, and i come as a set with two cats who are still young. my past i drag in a bag with me wherever i go, simply because there is no safe place like a home for me here in this country where i spend most of my life, and because of my legal status in this country, the life plans has to be made way in advance, with a few back up plans. the prospect of someone being able to love me that much is slight. i must admit. i try not to dwell on it and have a lighter perspective, like i'll just let myself be okay with temporary reliefs from time to time. a little bit like the protagonist of middlesex.
i have a plate full of plans with people i care about. that is all i need for now, and i am thankful for all of it. going back to the origin. take nothing for granted.
i lost a friend recently to her soul-searching trip overseas, but i seemed to have gained a few more. it came by a surprise, but perhaps it was my own fault for not reaching out to the right people. i spent a lovely evening with annie the other day, going to a concert opened by meg and the feature was the funniest dyke singer i have ever seen in my whole damn life. her music had a certain level of maturity to them; with humor and the contentment about the world. i was very glad to have seen her - i was tearing not because of the sorrow, but because i was laughing so hard. and i got to say hello to meg, which had been way overdue, and she looked great and i noticed that she has lots of light and colors in her eyes. so beautiful. so much like her music. then adrienne and jen asked if i wanted to go out, and as a matter of fact, i was in such a jolly mood that i jumped in the wagon right away, and i found blaire. it was a great night. so was lastnight, where i got to hang out with annie, adrienne, jen, and blaire all together cozy with the wood stove and brownies. THIS is what i had missed. THIS was exactly what i had been missing. we watched the newest season of the L word (which was purchased by adrienne after a relentless search for someone with showtime that ended unsuccessfully), american gladiators, and played nintendo.
in my daily contemplations of life, i've made a few realization recently:
1) i am begining to see small beauties again (particulary in women.... what a surprise), like the way arm muscles move when folk singer strums her guitar, my mentor's hands, the concentrating gaze on my friend's profile, the snow on the bare branches, my cats' faces.
2) writing songs might just be my remedy. i've written 4 thus far, and i think 1 more is being molded in my head as we speak... it feels almost like a big belch or some sort of bodily release when i write one. such a good feeling. this allowed me to cope so much better with my battles.
3) 23 is a okay. not too young. it is a fact that it depends on the person.
4) and naturally, going on 27 is not that old. despite my sprouts of gray hair and my friends' weddings and baby showers.
5) i am not the only one with neurotic tendencies. someone obsesses with closing the blinds, and someone else just likes to vacuum all the time.
6) i don't mind cleaning the toilet and the sink. but i still hate cleaning the stove top and the bathtub.
7) lastly, but most importantly, even though it was painful and rather discouraging to accept it, i realized the actual difficulty of loving me. my neurocies and stubbornness and moodiness aside, the circumstance of my life is hard to bear for anybody. it is hard for me even. of course it would be hard for someone who is committed to loving me. my life will forever be split between here and japan, and i will always speak the language the lover will probably not be able to understand. i will be traveling back and forth between the two countries and go spend holidays with my parents who are unaware of my identity. my lover will most likely be introduced as "a close someone" if the chance ever arrives, and there is no guarantee that i will not have a family of my own once it gets out. i will (hopefully...!) and i strive to have a career that will keep me away from my loved ones from time to time, perhaps all the time to start with, and i come as a set with two cats who are still young. my past i drag in a bag with me wherever i go, simply because there is no safe place like a home for me here in this country where i spend most of my life, and because of my legal status in this country, the life plans has to be made way in advance, with a few back up plans. the prospect of someone being able to love me that much is slight. i must admit. i try not to dwell on it and have a lighter perspective, like i'll just let myself be okay with temporary reliefs from time to time. a little bit like the protagonist of middlesex.
i have a plate full of plans with people i care about. that is all i need for now, and i am thankful for all of it. going back to the origin. take nothing for granted.
posted by rikitikitembo at 10:59 AM
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