growth.

in my desperate plea for some sort of self-healing method, i attended a women's retreat in sebastopol. i was very much reluctant in the begining, for i have never done anything like it in my life. in a way, i thought it would be too ritualistic and too spiritual, that i won't be able to find something sunstancial that i can take with me to work with after the retreat. however, my experience turned out the be exactly what i needed - to be exposed to the connectedness of the mother earth's healing energy through comeraderie of women from all walks of life. and through rituals and guided meditations, i faced my most gruesome demons, relinquished their venom through dance and fire, and visualized my life as it should be using art. i regained a sense of hope, faith, that i am good enough, i am all that i am proud of, and that i am not alone. every bit of the work we did, and every word shared, every tear that fell, were all so beautiful and wonderfully cleansing.

now that i'm back to the life of young workforce, i am trying my best to keep up with spiritual healing and growth. i've settled in a vinyasa yoga class at Namaste Yoga Studio in rockridge, which i attend with my good friend rachel and my neighbor aly every week. i've also found a therapist with a japanese twist at Blue Oak Therapy Cener whom I see every week. i'm also back at the y working on my cardio and strengthening routines. i am generous with my time for friends, and give myself a lot of space to laugh and enjoy life. i think only piece missing is some sort of community service. i want to be involved with empowering and supporting LGB and/or trans/gender-queer youths. may be i'll start something up. who knows... but i feel this need to want to give myself to the world like i am meant to be. although my daily work does that in a very roundabout way, i want to work with people on a daily basis. i want to be there for young people who just need a little perspective from someone like themselves; through a pat on the shoulder or a hug or someone to hold them or to laugh with them to feel good about themselves - to assist in their affirmation that they belong to this world and that they are loved. something that was missing from my early years of queerhood.

regardless, i've been able to keep my heart chakra open and it feels spectacular. love is the foundation of inner stillness, as my yoga teacher said the other night. he also told us that if love comes and knocks on your window, to not let reasoning put bars on the window, but rather let love flow in freely. what a lovely concept. i just need to remind myself to remain grounded and at peace with each day that unfolds. despite the matters of immigration sitting heavily on my shoulders, i am surprisingly content. at this point, developmental biology class this spring is not happening. so be it. i need to stop worrying and just do it. life is in my hands, and man, i can do anything, i can be anything.

can you hear the sound of me growing?