shine

the new year has come. quite frankly, i'm a bit frazzled again. despite the good fortune told by all japanese fortune readings, the new year's day came with clouds cast over every aspect of the day. but someone very special to me finally sent me an email that she said she had been working on. last time we talked, she said she kept writing and erasing, revising and revising. it was a beatiful email, and showed me how strong, wise and determined she is. at the same time, it showed me how selfish i had been. what she is trying to do, is exactly what i need to do. i look up to her wholeheartedly. i hope to be able to be like her someday.

both into the forest and kafka on the shore stress on the connectedness of all; how we are a part of all past and future, a part of the intangible, intricate power of the wild world, and that we exist as a dynamic "being" that gains meaning by interacting with all that surrounds us. being able to embrace such fact, is precisely what can tame one's loneliness and emptiness that seem so invincible. that is how one can be at peace with life.

often, i look back or look around me and become extremely envious. nostalgic. jealous. dejected. and somehow, that makes my future pitch black. it is freightening, and i get gnots in my stomach. my demon growls louder. i need to beat this. i am better than this. i can do this. i can shine. but i must shine myself first:

- extinguish envy and jealousy as they arise
- always work towards getting bigger, faster, stronger (smith rugby lives on)
- create something everyday even if it's something small
- no looking back, no looking too far forward; accept life as it comes
- transcend impermanance
- follow the signs, the serendipity

luck is on my side, i know. as long as i shine myself.

but today, i just want to cry. just for a little while. while i listen to the mix i made.