synecdoche, my life....?

i am feeling rather blue and frazzled today, for i saw the new charlie kaufman film synecdoche, new york with amanda last night. the film itself was indeed poignantly done, and was built on extremely interesting plot and storyline (if there is one at all) that transcends the notion of time and place as kaufman always does. it would be a lie if i said i did not enjoy it. i did. actually, i was utterly enthralled. but at the same time, it was freighteningly honest and dark, frank, and so deep that it hurt my brain as well as my heart. i think that it got at the most sensitive and hideous parts of many of our fears - about life unfolding so fast, so meaninglessly, that death comes without a chance to be able to cultivate contentment with what one has achieved in a lifetime, and ultimately becomes this bitter, harboured sense of defeat and loss because one was unable to find "the answer" or "the truth."

i think what disturbs me the most about this film, is that it feels WAY too personal for me. i am scared of myself turning out like the protagonist. in essence, i think the film is supposed to let you know that life IS up to interpretation much like the film itself and the "theatrical performance" that the film is primarily focused around, that the film is but a perspective of the protagonist's life SOLELY through his interpretation. in other words, we as observers will never know which part of his story seen in the film is unbiased and real, and that some of it are sure to be warped and obscured via his hypochondria, OCD, depression, and mere emotional tide. i mean, i know this. my life IS up to me to decide whether it's fulfilling or not. i can be grateful or resentful. the cup can be half-full or half-empty. but this is exactly what i mean - we all struggle with this desolate sense of what i call "alone-ness," a helpless feeling beyond loneliness because yes, each one of us is alone in the process of interpreting his/her own life, and the film blatantly shows it.

the problem is that much like the protagonist, i too live too much in my head, my emotions sometimes take over my logical thoughts, and i do have neurosies that i can't quite explain. i also do harbour this sense of alone-ness, and sometimes, i am just sad. i am freightened of not being able to have done something meaningful in my life when it's time for me to die. i am scared of not finding the love of my life and thus never having my own "home." at least, though, i realize this. i realize that because i hold the power to interpret and understand my own life anyway i want, i must seize that power and recognize all the abundance that exist in my life. all the small joys and moments of glory. all the love i receive and hearts that i've touched.

so, for the love of the world, i surely hope NOT to go the way the protagonist went...! if you ever think i'm headed that way, DO let me know... PLEASE.