newest song

Trying to forget, trying to remember

CHORUS
Trying to forget the words that fell out of your mouth
Trying to remember the way you walked away into the night
Trying to forget and trying to remember
So that I can save myself

Got a little cynical since I left
I think when you fight alone
Your wings get just a little more weathered
I watch kids with sleeved tattoos
Riding their bikes in their skinny jeans
With something like envy
And something like melancholy
Wondering if your kiss would taste like that

Time is moving faster than I want
I said I’ll stop this nonsense
But nonsense sometimes can have some sense I guess
Or it could be that I just like how it feels
When you reach to catch something
Even thought there’s really nothing
It gives me the high I need
Because the bed is still a lonely place

CHORUS

Where will you be when it all end
Will the fog roll away from the signs
So that I can find my heart I left
In the velveteen night of San Francisco
I laugh extra loud these days
When there is nothing funny about anything
Just to pretend to be a grownup
Just to ignore what you might say to me

I hear my neighbor’s steel guitar
A bittersweet blues like the sunset air
It’s so easy to let my mind fall away
But it’s not so easy to let my feelings go
Something always burns a hole in my hand
When I walk the neon lit streets
When you look at me through your sunglasses
I wish I could shake it all forever

CHORUS

oasis

at least i can take a break from the everyday reality and rejuvenize my commitment to peace and social justice. i am STOKED about these.

8/30 - 9/1: oakland art & soul festival (featuring the indigo girls)

9/6: power to the peaceful free concert (featuring michael franti & spearhead)

"all the freaky people make the beauty of the world... stay human." - michael franti

treasure hunting

i am serious there are no jobs for me to apply anymore, because i applied to all of them! wtf.

anyway, i recently paid a visit to urban ore, an apocalyptic artist's heaven that is the junk yard of the waste-free east bay. i was looking for a scrap wood to make a birthday present, and i had very particular image of the type of scrap wood i wanted, and of course, i found exactly what i was looking for. this place, is literally a treasure pile. more you look, more you find. here is a set of photos taken by an artist at the urban ore --> click me (if you're the artist, rock on! LOVE your photos!!). i hope you can see that this is an inspiring place. get your creative helmet on, and go check it out.

as the thin line gets thinner

so, i knew whole-heartedly, especially at this age, that transitions are hard, and getting older is hard. but i just didn't know to what degree, and i hate myself for being envious of other people's lives. i can't help but notice that good things happen to people after some period of hardship. they are given opportunities to move forward in their lives. whether it is about schools, careers, relationships, or whatever, those i have seen shed tears are now smiling. i am, and have been for quite some time, trying so hard to hang on to the thin line, making light out of things, and keeping my chin up. despite my effort, i am left with psychological moving forward, perhaps, without absolutely no progress - i may even see it as a degress - in the actual life i am leading.

a couple of weeks ago, i received a devastating phone call from my mother explaining to me the latest on my father's health. i was told a few days back that he seemed to have caught a cold that he couldn't shake. it turns out, he had pneumonia and he was immediately admitted to the intensive care. because he wasn't feeling well and was not able to eat, his SIADH/hyponatremia got worse, and so he became dellusional like he used to get with his previous hyponatremic attacks, but this time things were worse. he was ripping out his IV out of his arms, roaming in the hospital screaming about nonsense... they had to restrain him and was officially diagnosed with dementia few days after. this meant that he is not going to be able to come home, and that was heart-breaking to hear.

he was moved to the psyche ward a couple of days later, and it seemed like that was the best thing that could have happened to him. i guess being moved to a place where caregivers know how to care for and work with older people with mental altrations helped my father calmed down a lot. apparently he remembers things little bit better and he even smiles sometimes, even though he still tries to roam at night in delirium. the doctor told my mother that even though he will not cognitively recover completely, and thus will not be able to come home, and his pneumonia probably won't clear (because he didn't get enough consistent dose of antibiotics due to his taking IV out and spitting out any oral antibiotics), he will probably stay relatively calm and sane, and can come home when i'm home for a break so that someone physically fit like me can care for him and restrain him if there would be any emergency.

all of this is still hard to accpet, but i am just happy to know that there is a chance that i can see him at home few more times. my mom also said most things he says make sense, unlike the way he was when he was really sick. the doc said that they are going to wait until his mind opens up a little more and run a full exam to test for altzheimer's. that will determine the rate at which the brain tissue atrophy will take place (i.e. how long he will be able to function/survive).

my mother and i are both feeling much less grieved, and hopeful. afterall, he has lived a pretty good life for 81-and-some years. aging is something we are all destined to face, and i need to stay strong and just recognize the magic of life in it.

so all of this hit me while i was on sixtie-somethingth cover letter, fourth interview, a number of rejection emails and letters that all begin the same way: "we regret to inform you...", and trying not to feel guilty for being so faraway from home, not able to help my mother care for my father and take care of family business. at the same time, my landlord from providence finally responded about returning my deposit and extra check i had mistakenly given him. he appologized and told me that he is in a financial mess because one of his properties went to foreclosures. i could not believe his words. it's not a small sum of money he owes me and i need it, and i deserve it. i have no prospect at this point of getting that money back anytime soon. then today, i get an email from an adminitrative staff at my department at brown asking me for my updated contact information, because my thesis advisor wants to use my thesis to publish a paper and wants me to be a co-author. yet again, i got used. when i offered myself to be a co-author, she was the one who said "oh you be the first author - i have a plenty of publications..." i am reluctant to respond to the email although a co-authored paper is better than nothing. but my integrity and pride are hurt, and i don't know if i want to put myself up for getting hurt again.

i am trying to keep peace in all of this, just by thinking that in my past life i must have done something terrible for which i am destined to make-up. all i can do is to give myself to this karma, and help others in need with a hope that forgiveness may come to my life.

antimatter by alison

so my wonderful neighbors. the culprit of the work-force that unloaded my x-country car under 10 minutes are rick and alison, who are also the artists-in-residence of 14-22 yosemite avenue. i heard so much about alison's work, but i actually got to see one of her art in making recently, and also the final product. i was utterly impressed. she has an online shop, so you should check it out if you enjoy sweat-shop-free, creative, urban, totally innovative products!

ANTIMATTER rocks my world.

keepin' it together by livin' it up

the job hunting has been little bit on a rough side... still can't find anything, and i refuse to go back to the lab. life back in cali has been wonderful. i feel well supported despite occasional surge of solitude. i try not to think too deeply about things that are out of my control, like my dad's health, which i will discuss in another post. so i do my best to keep it together by filling my lazy days with occasions, like monday evening outing with amanda to amnesia where there's live bluegrass. wednesday nights i often join rod and chris at albatross playing darts (i'm getting really into it - thanks to rod). when i'm in the mood i go on a long run at redwood regional park in oakland hills. i've also gone to stinson beach with cherry who was visiting from the east coast, and i go to oakland A's game when i have a chance. there were street cinema with drums and dancing and free popcorn in the neighborhood of temescal which is just few blocks away sponsored by oaklandish, a wonderful urban-arts organization. tonight, i saw po'girl at freight and salvage. the heirloom tomato seeds i planted have sprouted (yay), and i'm waiting for cuke, pepper, lemon, rosmary, and string beans to come out. all in all, unemployment isn't too bad, i suppose... livin' it up baby.