as the thin line gets thinner
so, i knew whole-heartedly, especially at this age, that transitions are hard, and getting older is hard. but i just didn't know to what degree, and i hate myself for being envious of other people's lives. i can't help but notice that good things happen to people after some period of hardship. they are given opportunities to move forward in their lives. whether it is about schools, careers, relationships, or whatever, those i have seen shed tears are now smiling. i am, and have been for quite some time, trying so hard to hang on to the thin line, making light out of things, and keeping my chin up. despite my effort, i am left with psychological moving forward, perhaps, without absolutely no progress - i may even see it as a degress - in the actual life i am leading.
a couple of weeks ago, i received a devastating phone call from my mother explaining to me the latest on my father's health. i was told a few days back that he seemed to have caught a cold that he couldn't shake. it turns out, he had pneumonia and he was immediately admitted to the intensive care. because he wasn't feeling well and was not able to eat, his SIADH/hyponatremia got worse, and so he became dellusional like he used to get with his previous hyponatremic attacks, but this time things were worse. he was ripping out his IV out of his arms, roaming in the hospital screaming about nonsense... they had to restrain him and was officially diagnosed with dementia few days after. this meant that he is not going to be able to come home, and that was heart-breaking to hear.
he was moved to the psyche ward a couple of days later, and it seemed like that was the best thing that could have happened to him. i guess being moved to a place where caregivers know how to care for and work with older people with mental altrations helped my father calmed down a lot. apparently he remembers things little bit better and he even smiles sometimes, even though he still tries to roam at night in delirium. the doctor told my mother that even though he will not cognitively recover completely, and thus will not be able to come home, and his pneumonia probably won't clear (because he didn't get enough consistent dose of antibiotics due to his taking IV out and spitting out any oral antibiotics), he will probably stay relatively calm and sane, and can come home when i'm home for a break so that someone physically fit like me can care for him and restrain him if there would be any emergency.
all of this is still hard to accpet, but i am just happy to know that there is a chance that i can see him at home few more times. my mom also said most things he says make sense, unlike the way he was when he was really sick. the doc said that they are going to wait until his mind opens up a little more and run a full exam to test for altzheimer's. that will determine the rate at which the brain tissue atrophy will take place (i.e. how long he will be able to function/survive).
my mother and i are both feeling much less grieved, and hopeful. afterall, he has lived a pretty good life for 81-and-some years. aging is something we are all destined to face, and i need to stay strong and just recognize the magic of life in it.
so all of this hit me while i was on sixtie-somethingth cover letter, fourth interview, a number of rejection emails and letters that all begin the same way: "we regret to inform you...", and trying not to feel guilty for being so faraway from home, not able to help my mother care for my father and take care of family business. at the same time, my landlord from providence finally responded about returning my deposit and extra check i had mistakenly given him. he appologized and told me that he is in a financial mess because one of his properties went to foreclosures. i could not believe his words. it's not a small sum of money he owes me and i need it, and i deserve it. i have no prospect at this point of getting that money back anytime soon. then today, i get an email from an adminitrative staff at my department at brown asking me for my updated contact information, because my thesis advisor wants to use my thesis to publish a paper and wants me to be a co-author. yet again, i got used. when i offered myself to be a co-author, she was the one who said "oh you be the first author - i have a plenty of publications..." i am reluctant to respond to the email although a co-authored paper is better than nothing. but my integrity and pride are hurt, and i don't know if i want to put myself up for getting hurt again.
i am trying to keep peace in all of this, just by thinking that in my past life i must have done something terrible for which i am destined to make-up. all i can do is to give myself to this karma, and help others in need with a hope that forgiveness may come to my life.
a couple of weeks ago, i received a devastating phone call from my mother explaining to me the latest on my father's health. i was told a few days back that he seemed to have caught a cold that he couldn't shake. it turns out, he had pneumonia and he was immediately admitted to the intensive care. because he wasn't feeling well and was not able to eat, his SIADH/hyponatremia got worse, and so he became dellusional like he used to get with his previous hyponatremic attacks, but this time things were worse. he was ripping out his IV out of his arms, roaming in the hospital screaming about nonsense... they had to restrain him and was officially diagnosed with dementia few days after. this meant that he is not going to be able to come home, and that was heart-breaking to hear.
he was moved to the psyche ward a couple of days later, and it seemed like that was the best thing that could have happened to him. i guess being moved to a place where caregivers know how to care for and work with older people with mental altrations helped my father calmed down a lot. apparently he remembers things little bit better and he even smiles sometimes, even though he still tries to roam at night in delirium. the doctor told my mother that even though he will not cognitively recover completely, and thus will not be able to come home, and his pneumonia probably won't clear (because he didn't get enough consistent dose of antibiotics due to his taking IV out and spitting out any oral antibiotics), he will probably stay relatively calm and sane, and can come home when i'm home for a break so that someone physically fit like me can care for him and restrain him if there would be any emergency.
all of this is still hard to accpet, but i am just happy to know that there is a chance that i can see him at home few more times. my mom also said most things he says make sense, unlike the way he was when he was really sick. the doc said that they are going to wait until his mind opens up a little more and run a full exam to test for altzheimer's. that will determine the rate at which the brain tissue atrophy will take place (i.e. how long he will be able to function/survive).
my mother and i are both feeling much less grieved, and hopeful. afterall, he has lived a pretty good life for 81-and-some years. aging is something we are all destined to face, and i need to stay strong and just recognize the magic of life in it.
so all of this hit me while i was on sixtie-somethingth cover letter, fourth interview, a number of rejection emails and letters that all begin the same way: "we regret to inform you...", and trying not to feel guilty for being so faraway from home, not able to help my mother care for my father and take care of family business. at the same time, my landlord from providence finally responded about returning my deposit and extra check i had mistakenly given him. he appologized and told me that he is in a financial mess because one of his properties went to foreclosures. i could not believe his words. it's not a small sum of money he owes me and i need it, and i deserve it. i have no prospect at this point of getting that money back anytime soon. then today, i get an email from an adminitrative staff at my department at brown asking me for my updated contact information, because my thesis advisor wants to use my thesis to publish a paper and wants me to be a co-author. yet again, i got used. when i offered myself to be a co-author, she was the one who said "oh you be the first author - i have a plenty of publications..." i am reluctant to respond to the email although a co-authored paper is better than nothing. but my integrity and pride are hurt, and i don't know if i want to put myself up for getting hurt again.
i am trying to keep peace in all of this, just by thinking that in my past life i must have done something terrible for which i am destined to make-up. all i can do is to give myself to this karma, and help others in need with a hope that forgiveness may come to my life.
posted by rikitikitembo at 1:38 PM
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