the road lead west
making amends:
so when i was planning my departure from the east coast, i knew that i had to ceremoniously or ritualistically leave the last stage of my life. i don't know why i felt this way, or if it was based on any sort of a valid foundation. all i knew was that i felt like i was molting into a wiser being, a more mature version of me somehow different from the way i was say a year ago. perhaps this is what people call a "turnig point" or "awakening" or may be even a mini nirvana. everything just seems different, and the way i react to everything is different. so naturally i had this urge to bring closures to untended friendships and relationships, especially those that caused some significant levels of emotional investment in the past. so i travelled up to vermont, down through mass, and then through connecticut, literally placing periods - or at least commas - in our outdated relationships.
in connecticut, on the grounds of a prestigeous (and pretentious) prep school so reminiscent of my own past, i reconnected with someone i dored a long long long time ago, twhom i had not seen in more than a decade. it was less dramatic than i thought, and it was nice to see her and her family - a wonderful husband and three beautiful children - and i felt peace within the moment. we chatted about what's happening in our lives, and how things were, who we still talk to, and who we don't. she was one of more serious crushes i had growing up, and i had always glorified her. now, i saw her in the same light as i see myself. she was less of a saint than i made her out to be, and it's a good thing. i wish her and her family the best. i hope to see her again sometime.
for you, a thousand times over:
i was lucky enough to attend jenn's baby shower. it was on a saturday but i drove up to new hampshire on friday afternoon so that i could have a quality time with her before her guests arrived. besides, she was locked up in her room most of the time because her sister (the most amazing pastry chef who can make cakes out of anything) who was the sole organizer of the event would not let her see anything she was cooking or making. jenn was beautiful with her bulging belly, and looked well and happy. i was a bit worried because the father of the baby was not very nice and i knew things were rough. i was happy to find out that he was out of their lives and she is now a confident single mom who is going to do a fantastic job no matter what awaits for her in the future. i also got to see sarah, jenn's friend whom i had not seen since college. she has become a wonderful nurse caring for the developmentally challanged, and her smiles were brighter than ever. such wonderful people in my life that i hadn't seen. sarah's dreads made me to dream. her eyes made me to hope.
even though the weekend was supposed to be for jenn, because she is the most generous, thoughtful person in the whole world, she got both sarah and i graduation presents, and a beautiful card with Mother Theresa's words:
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
i was overcome with emotions when i opened the card for so many reasons. made me think of a girl with blue eyes who adored this quote as much as i did. it was serendipitous, and it was why i will be there for jenn forever.
the actual babyshower was sort of a whirlwind. jenn has such a HUGE family! the whole world and their mothers showed up. sarah and i kept each other company and watched jenn get burried in a pile of gifts and presents of all kinds. the best though, was her sister's baby blanket, a plethora of animals hand-stitched onto it with so much care and love. it brought tears to jenn's eyes and the eyes of many of us. i am so glad to whitness that jenn and baby-o will have a stable, consistent, and devoted family who will support them through the hard mements of the new life.
on the road, i read kite runner on book on CD in two days (which, by the way, because one of my favorite books of all times). as hassan said to amir "for you, a thousand times over" i thought of jenn.
regaining faith:
even though i had done x-country driving twice already, this third attempt was a different experience, because i was driving my own car, on my own, using intersate 80 most of the way. in the past, i always had companions, and we took time visiting all the beautiful spots of this great nation, taking interstate 90 the majority of the time, which run north of 80. it would be a lie to say that i was not afraid of the middle america, with my short cropped hair, dark skin, slanted eyes, hairy legs, and an equality sticker in the back window. because most vicious kinds of hate crimes in these parts always get highlighted in the media, my brain automatically put me in the defense mode. i was especially scared of iowa, nebraska, and wyoming. however, those were states with some of the kindest people i crossed paths with on this trip. i realized that people are generally good and kind. they mostly have an open heart. this drive made me regain faith in humanity. it was a good feeling.
along the way, i also saw a couple of friends whom i hadn't seen in a while, one being gem, whose relationship between us required some mending. last time i saw her, i sort of purged my fear from the past - the haunting ghost - on her without giving her much of anything else. she had been on my mind (partly because we did make a promise years ago that when both of us are 26 and single, we'd get married), and i knew that my drive through michigan was my chance to make things right, even though that meant going off of my x-country route for few miles. it was a right decision. no doubt. we had a great time, and i hope she can see us in a better light, because certainly i do. we said we should revise our promise to being 35. i can't wait for her to visit me in cali.
the best welcome:
the goal was to make it in 6 days. by the end of the 5th day, i was hitting reno around 5pm and i was just going to settle there for the night. but my heart was so eager to get to my new pad and sleep in my own sheets, so i decided to push myself and make it to oakland. again, it was the right thing to do, because i received the warmest welcome i have ever gotten in my life, from complete strangers who were to become my new neighbors.
i rolled up to my apartment, rather exhausted and achy from hours of driving, and i noticed that the neighbors were having a bbq in the back yard. i didn't think much of it, so i started unloading the jumbled up mess of my belongings out of the car. i kept having to walk by people who were coming and going from the bbq, and felt a little awkward, so i decided to go find at least the people who actually live in my building. so i went, and said "hey there, which of you actually live here...?" then the whole crowd goes "yumi!" hands in the air, and a few of them enthusiastically get up to shake my hand. "we were wondering when you're gonna get here!" they said, and told me that they loved morgan (who was subletting from me) and that they heard so much about me and were waiting for my arrival. then they offered to help me unload, and despite my polite refusal they all got up, little tipsy from the sun and beer, laughing and humming, and unloaded my car in litereally 5 minutes. i was so touched, and convinced that i did the right thing. moving back to california. this sense of community, the utter generosity that is so naturally abundant, is what i missed the most on the streets of providence. after the car was empty, they wanted me to join in on the celebration, so i ran to 7-11 to grab a case of beer, and joined them by the fire. the grille kep going, the guitars came out, buckets and shakers too, and we jammed into the night. such joy. such contentment. i am back. to the place where i am meant to be.
so when i was planning my departure from the east coast, i knew that i had to ceremoniously or ritualistically leave the last stage of my life. i don't know why i felt this way, or if it was based on any sort of a valid foundation. all i knew was that i felt like i was molting into a wiser being, a more mature version of me somehow different from the way i was say a year ago. perhaps this is what people call a "turnig point" or "awakening" or may be even a mini nirvana. everything just seems different, and the way i react to everything is different. so naturally i had this urge to bring closures to untended friendships and relationships, especially those that caused some significant levels of emotional investment in the past. so i travelled up to vermont, down through mass, and then through connecticut, literally placing periods - or at least commas - in our outdated relationships.
in connecticut, on the grounds of a prestigeous (and pretentious) prep school so reminiscent of my own past, i reconnected with someone i dored a long long long time ago, twhom i had not seen in more than a decade. it was less dramatic than i thought, and it was nice to see her and her family - a wonderful husband and three beautiful children - and i felt peace within the moment. we chatted about what's happening in our lives, and how things were, who we still talk to, and who we don't. she was one of more serious crushes i had growing up, and i had always glorified her. now, i saw her in the same light as i see myself. she was less of a saint than i made her out to be, and it's a good thing. i wish her and her family the best. i hope to see her again sometime.
for you, a thousand times over:
i was lucky enough to attend jenn's baby shower. it was on a saturday but i drove up to new hampshire on friday afternoon so that i could have a quality time with her before her guests arrived. besides, she was locked up in her room most of the time because her sister (the most amazing pastry chef who can make cakes out of anything) who was the sole organizer of the event would not let her see anything she was cooking or making. jenn was beautiful with her bulging belly, and looked well and happy. i was a bit worried because the father of the baby was not very nice and i knew things were rough. i was happy to find out that he was out of their lives and she is now a confident single mom who is going to do a fantastic job no matter what awaits for her in the future. i also got to see sarah, jenn's friend whom i had not seen since college. she has become a wonderful nurse caring for the developmentally challanged, and her smiles were brighter than ever. such wonderful people in my life that i hadn't seen. sarah's dreads made me to dream. her eyes made me to hope.
even though the weekend was supposed to be for jenn, because she is the most generous, thoughtful person in the whole world, she got both sarah and i graduation presents, and a beautiful card with Mother Theresa's words:
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
i was overcome with emotions when i opened the card for so many reasons. made me think of a girl with blue eyes who adored this quote as much as i did. it was serendipitous, and it was why i will be there for jenn forever.
the actual babyshower was sort of a whirlwind. jenn has such a HUGE family! the whole world and their mothers showed up. sarah and i kept each other company and watched jenn get burried in a pile of gifts and presents of all kinds. the best though, was her sister's baby blanket, a plethora of animals hand-stitched onto it with so much care and love. it brought tears to jenn's eyes and the eyes of many of us. i am so glad to whitness that jenn and baby-o will have a stable, consistent, and devoted family who will support them through the hard mements of the new life.
on the road, i read kite runner on book on CD in two days (which, by the way, because one of my favorite books of all times). as hassan said to amir "for you, a thousand times over" i thought of jenn.
regaining faith:
even though i had done x-country driving twice already, this third attempt was a different experience, because i was driving my own car, on my own, using intersate 80 most of the way. in the past, i always had companions, and we took time visiting all the beautiful spots of this great nation, taking interstate 90 the majority of the time, which run north of 80. it would be a lie to say that i was not afraid of the middle america, with my short cropped hair, dark skin, slanted eyes, hairy legs, and an equality sticker in the back window. because most vicious kinds of hate crimes in these parts always get highlighted in the media, my brain automatically put me in the defense mode. i was especially scared of iowa, nebraska, and wyoming. however, those were states with some of the kindest people i crossed paths with on this trip. i realized that people are generally good and kind. they mostly have an open heart. this drive made me regain faith in humanity. it was a good feeling.
along the way, i also saw a couple of friends whom i hadn't seen in a while, one being gem, whose relationship between us required some mending. last time i saw her, i sort of purged my fear from the past - the haunting ghost - on her without giving her much of anything else. she had been on my mind (partly because we did make a promise years ago that when both of us are 26 and single, we'd get married), and i knew that my drive through michigan was my chance to make things right, even though that meant going off of my x-country route for few miles. it was a right decision. no doubt. we had a great time, and i hope she can see us in a better light, because certainly i do. we said we should revise our promise to being 35. i can't wait for her to visit me in cali.
the best welcome:
the goal was to make it in 6 days. by the end of the 5th day, i was hitting reno around 5pm and i was just going to settle there for the night. but my heart was so eager to get to my new pad and sleep in my own sheets, so i decided to push myself and make it to oakland. again, it was the right thing to do, because i received the warmest welcome i have ever gotten in my life, from complete strangers who were to become my new neighbors.
i rolled up to my apartment, rather exhausted and achy from hours of driving, and i noticed that the neighbors were having a bbq in the back yard. i didn't think much of it, so i started unloading the jumbled up mess of my belongings out of the car. i kept having to walk by people who were coming and going from the bbq, and felt a little awkward, so i decided to go find at least the people who actually live in my building. so i went, and said "hey there, which of you actually live here...?" then the whole crowd goes "yumi!" hands in the air, and a few of them enthusiastically get up to shake my hand. "we were wondering when you're gonna get here!" they said, and told me that they loved morgan (who was subletting from me) and that they heard so much about me and were waiting for my arrival. then they offered to help me unload, and despite my polite refusal they all got up, little tipsy from the sun and beer, laughing and humming, and unloaded my car in litereally 5 minutes. i was so touched, and convinced that i did the right thing. moving back to california. this sense of community, the utter generosity that is so naturally abundant, is what i missed the most on the streets of providence. after the car was empty, they wanted me to join in on the celebration, so i ran to 7-11 to grab a case of beer, and joined them by the fire. the grille kep going, the guitars came out, buckets and shakers too, and we jammed into the night. such joy. such contentment. i am back. to the place where i am meant to be.
posted by rikitikitembo at 4:21 PM
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