slowdown melody.

i got carried away once again, this time by the mystery of the dark and i realized that i need to go back to the safe place. so i took myself to embarcadero yesterday to catch a film battle in seattle, a story about the anti-WTO protest in seattle that took place back in 1999. it's only playing in select theaters, but i found out about it from blaine, a girl i met at amnesia bluegrass night a while back, who works for and works with global exchange and code pink. clearly, she forgot to tell me that the movie is also playing in berkeley since i travelled all the way to san francisco for it... but it was nice to take a walk in the sun from my home to the bart station, listening to old favorites on my ipod, taking a step back from all that have been taking over my heart.

the movie turned out to be fantastic. the corny romance part aside, the filmmakers did a fabulous job creating the visual experience that was so real and raw, with clips of actual riots meshed into the sequences of the fictional scenes. it also provided various perspectives of the effort that was trying to fight the tyranny that is WTO, which i appreciated: the unlawful move made by the anarchists, the physician representing doctors without boarders trying to make the case about inhumane pharmaceutical commerce, the delegates from developing nations, cops just doing their job but who begin to realize the irony of it all, and of course, the grassroots activists of all sorts - environmentalists, fair trade folks, labor unions... it was inspiring and exactly what i needed. i almost lost it a few times because it spoke to me so deeply, but i held back. i was just reminded, that i can't give up now. i do want to be a part of this. i want to be standing behind the doc talking about putting "humans before profits" and bring medicines and healthcare to places and people who have been robbed of human rights by the WTO and other socially unjust systems. whatever the context it may be, i know i want to leave this world better than i found it when it's time for me to go.

this visit to the movie proved to be the right thing for me to do today, because not only was i able to gain motivation, but while i was in the theater blaine called me unexpectedly and wanted to know if i "happen to be in the city" and if i wanted to go to folsom street fair. naturally i made plans with her right away, and checked out the happy naked people with harnesses and whips. i followed blaine home for a supper, and had a yet serendipitous conversation - she has been struggling with the same thing: trying to find her space in the career path which seemed clear in the past, now tainted with her passion for activism. she studied biology in college like me, and thought she was going to go to medical school without any doubts. but life took a turn and she ended up spending 5 years abroad, working as an outdoor guide and slowly getting involved with social justice activism. i always thought she has been an activist from the little i have seen since i've known her, but such was not the case. it turned out to be her new passion, something she absolutely loves doing, but not necessary wants to/able to do for living. it was nice to hear her struggles, becaue i'm there. similarly, i am so driven by music and art, yet i have nothing to prove to myself that those things are going to let me live a fulfilling life. i even have a graduate degree in health. i guess the hardest part of it all, as blaine said, is that she and i are both kind of "fresh-out-of-college" despite our age and maturity, she because she was out of this country, and me because i went back to school to change the original career path (infectious diseases research), we have no career or something to show for ourselves. this was a needed conversation for me, and it was nice to have someone to listen to me who knew what is going on in my head and in my heart. i hope she felt the same way too. i took the bus before it was too late from bernal heights to the mission, then bart, thinking and rethinking and letting everything sink in. it was a beatiful night.

**********************************

so i had a plan to create something delicious, something new, using chard i bought the other day. but since i ended up eating blaine's home cooked meal lastnight, i baked my chard cheese pie today when i returned from a second interview with IMQ. i'm eating it as i write this and it actually turned out to be delicious! i'm happy to had found another way to enjoy chard other than to just saute in a pan. i put nick drake on my stereo, since someone recently mentioned him somewhere and i was reminded of him. his music is resonating with me a lot right now. i'm slowing down to the safe place.

GO SEE BATTLE IN SEATTLE TODAY!!!!
http://www.battleinseattlemovie.com/

the (non)efficacy of the affair

i am summer born. there exists an unexplainable gravity towards those who are born in the cold months. the mystery of the darkness reflected upon their timid small movements, the scared and studying looks, the tightly closed door to keep away the fatal chills, are somehow beautiful in my sun-filled eyes. though the nature has its laws: those who dare to go forth naked and unprotected in such severe condition are doomed to freeze to death. perhaps there is a sense of euphoria, right before the life is sucked out of you by the cold, but the frostbite comes slowly, and takes bits and pieces of flesh at a time, limb by limb, whilst stealing each beat of the heart.

the sun is too high and too strong in my mind, and becomes a reason to falsely believe that there is warmth to be found in the dead of the winter, or that somehow the heat of my being, the warmth i can provide can magically thaw out the bitter frozen world of the winter and the early spring. but my bare skin and dilated pupils are not suited for those icy nights, and i get lost, frozen, hurt, defeated. summer also seems to last forever, and i tend to forget that the cold wins out at the end. and things that are warm; the things of flesh and blood, are most easily frozen and shattered into million pieces.

loving is a dangerous thing. perhaps frida knew this. she is a summer born three days apart from my own. diego is winter born. in the middle of the winter. the summer's passion comes with a high price-tag of suffering. or does suffering come with the passion for winter that is inevitably so intoxicating? i dedicate this contemplation for all summer borns who blindly, ceaselessly, dive into the frozen abyss of winter - and early spring - hearts.

"let sorrowful longing dwell in your heart. never give up, never lose hope. allah says, 'the broken ones are my beloved.' crush your heart. be broken."
- shaikh abu saeed abil kheir, aka nobody, son of nobody, excerpted from three cups of tea

darkness. dilates. overlap. fall. violently. soleil.

i'm a lonely painter i live in a box of paints. no, no i can't be trusted driving out here alone with these thoughts 'cause my brakes are busted and the engine's shot. the heat serves to keep you soft so i can mold you and you won't crack but i don't know how to turn this thing off and i don't think i can take it back. life used to be life-like and now it's more like showbiz i wake up in the darkness and i don't have the will anymore to wonder. you come like seasons, shadowing my dreams. talking shit about a pretty sunset blanketing opinions that i'll probably regret soon. i've changed my mind so much i can't even trust it my mind changed me so much i can't even trust myself. i care less and less what people think i just want you to live up to the image of you i created i see you and i'm so unsatisfied i see you and i dialte. to call for hands of above to lean on wouldn't be good enough for me, no. i move in minor chords and fight this happiness. love hit me blind side, though i was right, never to risk my insight. i search your profile for a translation, i study the conversation like a map 'cause i know there is strength in the differences between us and i know there is comfort where we overlap.

like any hot-blooded woman i have simply wanted an object to crave. your breath a new addiction in my veins and i, struggle in my mind. i could lose myself here easily and that scares me. i could drink a case of you. when i say you sucked my brain out the english translation is i am in love with you and it is no fun but i don't use words like love 'cuz words like that don't matter but don't look so offended you know, you should be flattered. may be it's not you that i need may be just your picture is enough, may be you're as mine as you're ever going to be and may be that's all i need of love. i build each one of my days out of hope and i give that hope your name and i don't know you that well but it don't take much to tell. either you don't have the balls or you don't feel the same.

what you say? that you only meant well? well, of course you did. what you say? that it's all for the best? ah of course it is. what you say? that it's just what we need? ransom notes keep falling out your mouth. speak no feeling, no i don't believe you. you left a lovestain on my heart and you left a bloodstain on the ground. can't take my eyes off of you. can't take my mind off of you. we negociate with chaos for some sense of satisfaction. if you won't give it to me at least give me a better view.

what would you say to her in the second of silence when the choir hold its breath - how long do they hold this note...? trust you trust you not, wants you wants you not, forget you forget you not, needs you needs you not, trust you trust you not forget you forget you not wants you wants you not love you love you not...

you're in my blood like holy wine i could drink a case of you and i'd still be on my feet. the difference between you and me baby, is i get fucked up when i'm alone. dark and dangerous like a secret that gets whispered in a hush. you are shadowing my dreams.

(ani difranco, damien rice, indigo girls, jose gonzalez, imogen heap, alanis morissette, meg hutchinson, andy stochansky, modest mouse, edie carey, joni mitchell)

learning how to learn

i'm horrible at remembering facts (unless they have personal meanings to me). so i make up mneumonics. here are my current ones, trying to memorize 20 basic amino acids for my biochem class. feel free to pass them on to others who may be studying the same thing. sorry, you have to memorize the structures of R groups separately...!

aromatic R: "smelly are poop(phenylalanine) toot(tyrosine) toot(tryptophan)"

nonpolar-alipathic R: "gender queer bi is gay(glycine) pretty(proline) val(valine), lesbian(leucine) is(isoleucine) me(methionine)"

negatively charged R: "acidic ass(aspartate)-glue(glutamate)"

positively charged R: "basically, lying(lysine) and arguing(arginine) makes hysteria (histidine)"

polar, uncharged R: "polar bear is serious(srine) there's(threonine) cyst(cysteine) in ass(asparagine) and glute(glutamine)"

v-monologue author speaks out

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, wrote the following about Sarah Palin.

------------------------------------------------------------

Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

kael t block & xxboys

i just found this young french photographer named kael t block, and i fell in love with his work instantly. he has a whole series of trans guys, and they are AWESOME. i particularly like his self portraits. i can't believe he had a show at lexington club early this summer! i really want to purchase his work but i don't know if they are available... much less in the us...

carrot mob - consumer power

think globally, act locally. help bring carrot mob project to your neighborhood: www.carrotmob.org

talking about love's like dancing about architecture

i feel like i've written something with that title before. i hope it's not on my blog. i first heard it years ago when i watched a movie (kinda cheesy, kinda corny, kinda loved it...) called playing by heart. now that i've done my quota of broken hearts and breaking hearts, and spend a lot of time actually thinking about what's going to come next, the flavor of the metaphor is sinking deep into my gut.

i am surrounded by love these days... even though there is an immediate lack there of. i say it with a bittersweet sentimentality, not with cynicism, although i do feel a bit melancholic. anyway, there was a birth of a beautiful baby to my dear jenn, ibk found a lovely girl to love and to be loved, my adoring gay boys are finally tying the knot while going ahead with an agency to begin foster-to-adopt program, and i learned that internet may perhaps become an integral part of courtship in this day and age. typically, i kind of despise the whole facebook culture. i used to be on it, and my life became miserable for so many different reasons. but i found out that one of my friends met her gorgeous gentleman through "missed connection" on craig's list. she said that she sat across from him on bart and they exchanged smiles, and she just couldn't forget about him so she went to post him on the missed connection, and voila, he beat her to it. the rest is history... so i recently began my quest of the cyber-village of bachelorette-dom. in the begining, not so much. but now, i'm meeting few people, and i'm making friends. i'd say it's a fantastic start. i guess in a way, talking about love has become really dancing - more like cirque de soleil-ing - about architecture. it is now further complicated by the immensity and the mystery of cyberspace. it is going to take some serious technique, luck, artistry, imagination, and choreography to do it right.

speaking of love, i spent past 2 days in a zone, working on music. first i wrote the song that's shown just below this post. the tune has a kind of feist-jose gonzalez feel to it, and i like it. i wanted to move beyond my comfortable sets of chords. i need to practice practice practice. then i stole rik's keyboard and arranged "uninvited" by alanis for rapid transit. ever since i heard BC bostonians sing that song back in early 2000 (i was utterly blown away when i heard it the first time), i've been wanting to arrange it, and do it for a co-ed group. now is my chance. since it's not on the current to-sing list, i'm not sure it's ever going to get used, but i think it turned out pretty awesome. i pray that we get to sing it.

the rest of my labor day weekend was spent beautifully, indigo girls concert and lots of queers, hanging out with colm at radio, bbq with my neighbors and their bohemian friends, drunk darting in the backyard, and another bbq at lake temescal meeting and playing with new friends and going swimming in the sunset with amanda, rachel, and of course, danger the rambunctious pup. life is beautiful.