: : japlish : :

farewell, cadavers

2011-10-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

As we embark on the path of healing arts, we will one day, inevitably find ourselves contemplating about life and death. We may find ourselves questioning what medicine can offer, doubt our abilities, knowledge, and perhaps our very own existence because of our simple destiny – death. Perhaps it is because you lost your loved one. May be something went wrong with the patient under your care. May be you were dispatched to a site of a natural disaster. May be you yourself is diagnosed with a terminal illness. Whatever the reason may be, death is a mysterious ultimatum we all face both in our professions and in our persona lives, and most likely we will never quite fully understand what it actually means.

I would like to think that we are able to find peace in ourselves and in our healing professions by always honoring life and encountering each body with thoughtfulness and compassion. It’s been hard with our daily grind of the anatomy course to bring such kindness, our caring healing thoughts to our cadavers. Now is the time for us to take a moment and give our compassion and kindness to these people whose bodies we touched, learned, and examined. Trying to understand life, a human body, comes hand-in-hand with trying to decipher death, and it is both humbling and mystical to have come in such close contact with all that we are made of, and what our own deaths might look like.

For this remarkable opportunity, this profound experience, we thank every one of our cadaver patients, our very first patients, for allowing us to explore forms and functions that make up life, and for us to see just how beautiful and extraordinary human lives are. We honor your life.

***written by yours truly for our cadaver memorial service***

Smith College Smiffenpoofs celebrates 75th Anniversary!

2011-10-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

Poofs toured Japan in the summer of 2003. It was quite an experience for all of us. Also, my hometown Sendai was recently hit by the earthquake, and some of the footage seen in the video is not longer there. So congratulations to the generations of FABULOUS folks of Smiffenpoofs, and let me just say, my memories with the Poofs have been some of the best in my life.

6 months post disaster

2011-09-11T07:32:00.000-07:00

here is a great set set of then-and-now photos from the Atlantic, Japan Earthquake: Six Month Later.

may all souls rest in peace.

Jist of my two visits to Sendai post earthquake

2011-07-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

I'll post more narratives later, but for now, you can view my twitter and see photos, comments, etc., from my 2 trips to Japan post earthquake.

**When you get to twitter, scroll to March, April, and June tweets.

Additional Update

2011-03-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

update: approximately 7 hours ago, the power returned to my mum's house, while she was bundled up in blankets eating emergency bread in the dark with a flashlight. unfortunately, gas is expected to not return for another 3 to 4 weeks... at least rice cooker is electric, but ability to cook or bathe seem impossible. mum also confirmed the safety of my great aunt (some of you know of her craftiness) in shiroishi! thank goodness. still no word about dad.

i finally got t's brother's cell phone pictures depicting the effect of the earthquake in the central sendai.

right now the biggest uncertainty is with the safety of one of the nuclear reactor in fukushima. they were unable to shut it off after the earthquake, and because the coolant were not being pumped anymore, the temperature within it rose to a point of danger melting the core inside, the steam blowing the panels from the outer structure, so the japan ministry took the extreme measure to pump the sea water into the cooling tank. this seems to have reduced the internal pressure, although because of the salt content of the water, they can't utilize the water level gauge in place and that is causing fear, because if leaks, the salt water will react with the radio active material used in the reaction. so far, 3 people have been exposed to worrisome level of radiation after the panels blew. residents in 20+ km diameter around each reactor had been evacuated.

also interesting yet unbelievable fact - usually, the tectonic shift occurs about 5cm per year. this particular earthquake caused 10m shift, according to preliminary data the ministry gathered. holly shit.

a lot of people continue to be missing, and cutoff from any aid.

as aftershocks continue, tsunami warning is still in place, although not as big of a warning level as it used to be... there are still areas where the defense core cannot enter to recover all the dead bodies because they are on the shore. the officials are warning the citizens especially in the remote areas with old houses to be careful during aftershocks since the previous shakes have most likely weakened the structure. it is expected that the death toll will exceed 1000 soon.

To leave messages to your loved ones via web using landline phone number/災害用ブロードバンド伝言板 (it works from abroad): https://www.web171.jp/top.php

SENDAI IN DEVASTATION

2011-03-11T20:55:00.000-08:00

my hometown on the west coast of japan sendai is still devastated from the earthquake & tsunami from yesterday. i still do not know the whereabouts/safety of my father at his new nursing home. phone lines are still not connected. follow the link embedded below for live news feeds from japan. i just read the twitter post that part of the power in sendai is back. if you have any additional information (especially visual) on the status of downtown sendai and shiroishi, please let me know ASAP.

here are some useful information:

ご家族やご親戚との安否を知りたい方はこちら03-5452-8800か050-3369-9680に電話をすればＮＨＫ教育テレビで流してくれます。

Person Finder (消息情報): 2011 日本地震

災害においての情報／various useful information during disaster

telefono de sendai que puedes hablar en ingles y chino 0222652471 0222241919/仙台：english translation available 外国語による電話での情報提供（英語・中国語・ハングル）0222652471 0222241919

here is the updates i've sent out to my friends:

******************************************************
update: finally spoke with t, my best friend from growing up, who is now in chiba. (so those of you who sent messages about her, thank you - she is safe, and all of her family in sendai is ok)

t's baby brother in sendai is updating his blog so i'm tying to access his page right now. apparently, central sendai where my mom lives and where i grew up is ok. glasses are broken everywhere, and lot of poles, signs, statues have fallen, but most of the buildings are in tact.

still no word from my mother... i think her cell phone battery is gone. still no power, no gas, no landline phone in all of sendai. taiko told me that the downtown electric company is offering emergency cell phone charging station so i sent that text to her. i hope that reaches her somehow.

will keep you posted.

On Fri, Mar 11, 2011 at 12:01 PM, wrote:
there has been continuous aftershocks every 5-10 minutes or so. nagano, and tochigi are hit with M6 grade aftershocks. it looks like the epicenter is moving southward. lots of related disasters like nuclear plant emergencies, oil tank explosions, land slides, and fires. still no word from my mother since she texted me that her cell's battery was dying. it's just before the sun rise in japan. i know you don't speak english, but if you want to follow what's going over there:

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/tbstv

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/nhk-gtv2

california coastline also continues to be under a tsunami watch.

On Fri, Mar 11, 2011 at 11:07 AM, wrote:
japan continues to shake with aftershock! i can't believe it. japan is devastated. the entire costline on both pacific and japan sea side are on extreme tsunami watch. if anyone has any tips with special trips to japan (i.e. medical aid, etc.) let me know. i need to get over there ASAP.

On Fri, Mar 11, 2011 at 9:55 AM, wrote:
Hi everybody,

Thanks so much for your texts, email, calls, etc. As of few hours back, I was finally able to get a SMS message from my mother in Sendai saying she is ok, but the house is a mess, and still no confirmation of my father's safety at his new nursing home. Since then, some of the cellular phone lines were cut, so I haven't been able to reach them since.

I'm frazzled but ok. Staying home today with V and trying to see if we can somehow get over there but currently the airports in Japan are not accepting any incoming flights so it is still unclear.

I will keep you updated as I find out more.

Thanks again,
Yumi

home.

2011-01-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

aw. longing.

2010-12-29T23:55:00.001-08:00

christmas eve. all about the cozy.

2010-12-24T20:40:00.000-08:00

first christmas eve with my perfect someone. she is wrapping big boxes for me to rip open tomorrow morning in the bedroom... don't know what are hidden in there yet! 150% excited. she just came out and tried to guess her presents! naughty!!

we just finished off our local delight supper of fresh off-the-boat dungeness crabs from the north pacific, bought from monterey fish market after drawing the number and standing in a line of holiday cooks for over an hour, baked potatoes loaded with magnani's turkey gravy, locally grown salad greens topped with chopped pear, walnuts, dried cranberries, and honey infused goat cheese, and ladyfingers' strawberry charlotte, a perfect little chilled cake made with strawberry mousse. the wine that accompanied was a 2005 select cab from hagafen in napa, which i bought last year when i went tasting for an event.

totally worth waiting in line!

squeeze some lemon on this cutie and dip it in garlic herb butter... hmmmmmmm.

: : a cappella : revolution 2011: :

2010-12-23T13:22:00.000-08:00

imagine. for 2011.

2010-12-22T13:29:00.001-08:00

Imagine from PlayingForChangeFoundation on Vimeo.

time to remember

2010-12-20T14:42:00.000-08:00

every december, my dear, dear friend ekt and her bau visit san francisco for their annual conference, aka the ultimate convention of the nerds. this year, ekt and i spent one evening at california academy of sciences adult event, nightlife and had a blast! it was the last nightlife event of the year, and the chocolate was the theme. we surely enjoyed sampling different kinds of local chocolates in between our tipsy nerd moments learning about the new discoveries of the planetary science in the planetarium, mingling with the butterflies and birds of the tropics in the tropical dome, and being taught about crazy mammalian bone called baculum (ahem) and the PRICC (primates without humans, rodents, insectivores, chiroptera, carnivores) acronym to remember who has this peculiar bone by a quirky host. at any rate, it is always nice to catch up with a friend from a long ago, from far away, and share some laughs and indulge in our common interest in the field of science.

ekt and i also share love for good food, simple, seasonal, tasty food, and she let me steal her personal recipe inspired by the bay area's own alice waters, which i thought would delight v's appetite. i had been looking for a unique winter-y recipe that is more on the fancier side of things without having it be too complicated or expensive, because my usual recipes are mostly "mom" cooking that utilizes whatever is in the fridge and would yield enough food for two of us for two meals, and could be made within an hour. so yeah, i wanted to make something special for my special girl. and the result? DELICIOUS. happy tummies all around! thanks ekt!

it is moments like this when i realize that it is that season when we should all take some time to remember how much we appreciate the love we receive from our friends...

keep away the cold

2010-12-06T12:26:00.000-08:00

the rainy winter is finally here in the bay area. but this year, my heart is warm and jolly with hope. my tiny faux tree lights our dark nights.

and over the weekend, we found tokyo fish market, the place v was hoping existed in east bay, where you can purchase japanese grocery and other japanese goodies. we bought ourselves a cast iron sukiyaki pot and made our first sukiyaki from scratch! even without the store bought sukiyaki-no-tare "sauce," the combination of shoyu, sake, sugar, & kombu dashi (and clearly, a slab of beef fat to coat the pot) were all it required to make the flavor that was perfectly authentic.

no better way to fight off the cold winter but some hearty japanese goodness in a pot...! yummmmmm.

oaktown original scraper bikes featured on cbs

2010-10-28T15:29:00.001-07:00

if you're a cyclist in the oakland poc community, you dig all that scraper bikes represent. they were recently featured on "eye on the bay" on cbs!

and check out the kicka** scraper bike song by the king!

another rad scraper bike featured short film.

Scrapertown from California is a place. on Vimeo.

becoming capoeirista

2010-10-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

i did it. i finally did it. after seeing a boy i babysat attend a capoeira class, i decided to realize my dream of giving capoeira a shot. it was kind of serendipitous, because it happens to be a month in which capoeira mandinga, the capoeira school on piedmont avenue near my apartment is giving FREE introductory class every sunday.

i am super sore today (like unbelievably sore), but i had SO MUCH FUN, and i can't wait to go back next sunday. i plan to continue with the intro for the rest of the month and enroll in the beginner's class starting november. right now, i spend too much time thinking hard to coordinate my lower limbs with my upper limbs, while trying not to get off of the beats of the accompanying music. i hope one day i can internalize the rhythm and for my body to naturally move with graceful force and finesse!

i've always been interested in capoeira because of its revolutionary history (see the capoeira link above for the abridged history on wikipedia) in brazil. it began during the slavery era of brazil, as a means for enslaved people of the african descent to secretly train themselves to fight against the system. since all forms of "fighting" was prohibited for the slaves during that time, they had to disguise the combat training into "dance," and gave various forms and moves playful names so that they won't be caught. it is really a powerful and beautiful form of martial art, and i love that the music (in particular, participatory singing) is a core part of capoeira. i look forward learning more about this amazing art.

come join me this sunday if you want to give this wonderful culmination of dance, music, and martial art a try!

season's bounty

2010-09-24T12:47:00.001-07:00

even though we had an unseasonably cold summer over here in the sf bay area, and despite the mysterious problem with one of the garden beds, we still managed to grow some shiny juicy summer veggies. lemon cucumbers are OUT OF CONTROL this year. we have them coming out of our ears. although the fruits are not as large as they should be, early girls did ok too. the sungolds are delicious as they can be.

homemade tinctures

2010-09-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

v and i attended a wonderful western herbal medicine making class organized by urban kitchen san francisco, a diy slow-food promoting organization in sf. the class itself was taught by joshua muscat, the director of san francisco botanical medicine clinic, whom you've probably seen at berkeley farmer's market selling his tinctures for amazingly affordable price, and giving you advice about any ailments you may be experiencing.

the class focused on making two tinctures: one dry, and one fresh. we first made dry tinctures, for which the dried herbs (i did yerba mansa root that is good for fungal infections, and v did vervain, great for "chillin'" your overachieving mind...) were finely ground in a powerful blender, put in a jar with 60% EtOH and 40% H2O. these jars will be shaken every day for two weeks, and we'd squeeze out the liquid with the cloth to make tinctures. the fresh herbs (i did cilantro/coriander, which is good to cleanse heavy metals from your system, and v did gobo, a natural diuretic and have blood cleansing properties) were chopped on the cutting board into small bits and were put in the jar in straight alcohol. cilantro was pounded into the alcohol to break the cellulose to induce the chemicals to come out of the cells. you do not need to shake the fresh tinctures, so after two weeks, you can just squeeze out the liquid to make the final tincture.

i hope to incorporate some of these non-allopathic (or osteopathic, for that matter) medical remedies into my clinical practice. herbalism i believe is really powerful, and especially in the context of palliative and preventive care, could be very comforting and spiritually enlightening, which would be an effective treatment for many patients in state of extreme pain and suffering. clearly i have a lot to learn, but i hope to get there some day. we all have to start somewhere.

scrumptuous season

2010-09-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

v is the best pastry chef - homemade tart with farmer's market peach and berries! did i mention how much i adore/admire her??

emigrant expedition

2010-08-30T14:18:00.000-07:00

DAY 1:
my ja buddy k and i went on a much anticipated backpacking trip to emigrant wilderness over the weekend. we first drove up to the ranger station in mi-wok, got a back country permit, signed in, and drove further north to the trail head at gianelli. despite the gorgeous whether we were experiencing, the ranger told us that a cold front was coming in, so we'd probably see some rain and possibly a thunder, and in higher parts, snow. we were not too discouraged by that, so we went, with high spirits, fishing polls, and well packed packs onto the trail (the wrong one, actually, but it eventually met the trail we were planning on taking... haha).
i had been getting so sick of the life in the city, so i was super energized and stoked to be in such an amazing natural space. we kept a good pace, chatting away about life and such, and we did not have any difficulty getting to our first destination, chewing gum lake.
we pitched a tent on the south east side (i think) of the lake, and went looking for grasshoppers, which k has convinced me that they make perfect baits for fishing in the sierra lakes. skeptical though i was, i searched and searched and found none around the lake, even though we saw lots of them along the way. perhaps it's because the temperature was beginning to plunge. i started having altitude headache in the late afternoon, but had a good appetite, and it did not stop me from indulging in the back country wine k brought in a sack. i ended up not taking any pain killers, just letting sleep do its healing job and getting my body acclimatized.

DAY2:
unfortunately, the sleep for both of us was quite restless, due to all night of gusty wind and occasional sprinkling of rain/snow/sleet. wind was what really did it - it made booming sounds all over and kept us up all night. regardless, we got ourselves up eventually (me without a head ache!), bundled up in our warmest gears we brought, successfully completed the wild-dumping, and continued our hike towards the toe jam lake... but hell, it was getting COLD. we were up around 2400ft by then, so soon enough, we found ourselves in the snow shower.
we also missed a turn onto the trail that supposedly lead to toe jam. so instead of backtracking our path, we went off-trail and traversed. luckily, i'm a pretty easy-going person so i went along with k's adventurous (and sometimes reckless) intuition, blazing trails, looking for any clues of "unmaintained trail" that would take us to toe jam lake. we went on for about two hours, and finally settled to head for a body of water we were able to spot with our eyes. we were least convinced that it was toe jam, but at that point, we were both pretty tired and my feet were definitely beginning to ache. (i also decided to stick with my cotton socks preference unlike all other trekkers i've known in my life... wool sox give me TERRIBLE blisters!) i think where we ended up was the y-meadow lake(dam). regardless, we were happy to just pitch our tent and eat, have some beers, and possibly cast our lines to see if we can get some fish. temperature had definitely plunged even further, so just after about 1/2 hr of attempting to fish, we decided to head back to the camp. we made the most amazing fire that night, and ate and drank backpackers' margaritas like a couple of homo champs!

DAY 3:
although we were both quite tired, we again had a night of light sleep, this time due to the coldness. such is life of a backpacker, i suppose. the morning was chilly, although there was a hint of sunshine, and that made us feel hopeful that we may be able to stop at powell lake and try to fish there on our way out. for the rest of the morning, the weather remained questionable, with an occasional burst of sun, and during one of these sunny moments we came across two fat grasshoppers! k with his rubber bands and i with my dizzy method (a popular way to catch dragonflies in asia), we each successfully captured the buggers, and with big smiles on our faces, we headed home-bound on the trail. whenever the sun went away, the temperature sank back and there were hints of snow showers here and there, so i kept snacking on high fat snacks to keep myself warm, and i think that helped me a lot, since k started to feel fatigued. so i took on some camping gears that he insisted on carrying, and took many breaks to enjoy and soak up the gorgeous scenery of the emigrant, and to regain some energy. we made it to powell lake in a pretty good time, so we decided to have a late lunch there and fish.
no luck though. the poor hoppers just got soaked and no fish ate them. it was disappointing to say the least, but it was hailing by then too. so before we got too cold we packed up and left for the trail head so that we can get out of there before the sunset. as we went down the altitude, the temperature recovered (although not by much) and i enjoyed seeing wild flowers flourishing all over. so beautiful.
at the trail head, we saw packers with llamas! apparently you can rent these animals to go backpacking. whoa.

on the way home, we simultaneously thought of juicy, fatty, tasty in-n-out burger animal style, so we grubbed at the norcal's favorite burger joint, and returned to oakland.

even though i came home empty handed (without a fish), all stinky and tired, there was a surprise apple pie in the oven - v is just about the sweetest thing that's ever happened to my life! I ABSOLUTELY ADORE HER.

my prized lotus

2010-08-24T10:15:00.001-07:00

it is vintage. it is japanese. it is champagne colored and glittery. it is my lotus! i love the fact that lotus symbolizes blossoming beauty out of thick muck, which in my opinion, is deep and speaks for itself in the context of my life. lotus actually has been popping up left and right lately. i think it's a sign. a very very good sign.

the saddle bag is from out your backdoor, an indie culture supporting "diy everything" company owned by this super nice guy from michigan. because i have such a tiny bicycle (yup i'm a shorty), he had to adjust a lot of things from his typical design, and it is working fantastically. i have a rear reflector that needs to be taken out for the bag to sit a little bit more comfortably, but since i haven't had the need to pack a lot into the bag (no touring yet...) i haven't had any issue just tucking the bag on top of the reflector. this bag is also brilliant because i can use it on my mountain bike that has a rear rack on it as a pannier bag, or if i want to, i can also put it on the handlebar, in the front of my bike. AND, it also becomes a shoulder bag, so if you're running an errand or something, you can just unhook it from your bike, put it on your shoulder, run your errands, and put it back on the bike! SO FANTASTIC!! and it's made from recycled army canvas. i really really love my bag, and it's perfect for my lovely lotus!!!

"a magnificent external skeleton that permits the human race to surpass, at full speed, the limits imposed by biological evolution." - alfred jarry

stencilled san francisco. how you make me feel.

2010-08-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

taking baby steps to diy bike maintenance

2010-07-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

not being able to participate fully in protests aside, i am struggling (i always have) with finding my purpose of existence, in the way i do, in the context of the life around me. i am clearly overly privileged and very much a "mediocre" person. so what am i meant to do in this life?? what am i good at?? whom am i meant to serve??? how do i utilize most effectively the little skills and knowledge i have???

i think a part of the reason is that i am fortunate enough to be surrounded by amazing groups of people who spend every day doing something meaningful, taking part in the effort to change the way things are. grassroots or not, everyone is doing something every day. it's very inspiring and motivating, yet at the same time, makes me feel useless! hahaha. my personal issue i am working on. a lot of these folks are involved with grassroots social justice effort using bikes and cycling. they are all avid cyclists and the bike mechanics with hearts-of-gold. i often get invited to many bike related events, but i feel so out of place and ignorant that i am usually reluctant to go... perhaps to address this weakness, v got me this wonderful book:
which i started reading. it's super rad. i'm very excited to be learning something new, and catch up on skills and knowledge i lack. i want to be a good, socially responsible, diy cyclist and join my friends. i recently bought a japanese vintage road bike called lotus challenger (clearly mine's not a fixie like it's depicted here... nonetheless, it is PRETTY). i will post its beautiful portrait soon!

never forget.

2010-07-14T13:21:00.001-07:00

another slow day at work here, so i have some time to reflect on what i experienced in downtown oakland last thursday. i have to start by saying that even though my choosing to attend the protest was somewhat risky and wreckless (just because of the heavy police presence and the mere fact that the consequences of arrest would have been irreversible), i was glad to have been there. at least for the gathering part of it. what came after, was kind of silly, bit pointless, and essentially disrespectful to the grant family.

as most of you have probably learned, the night ended in looting and vandalism throughout downtown oakland, mostly targeted towards large businesses unlike the last riot. which, frankly, i think is an okay thing, since most of these multi-million dollar businesses are what is driving this unjust system. as i always say, if you are going to steal, steal from the rich!! i guess what disappoints me is the fact that these incidences became the focus of the media coverage, and NOT about challenging racism, police brutality, and injustice of the legal system. it took people's attention away from the soul of the protest and focused on which stores were looted, how many were arrested, and on the spray painted message of "tonight oakland is our playground", which, by the way, i find extremely disappointing in oh on so many different levels. especially because i witnessed that there were folks there trying very hard to keep the focus on solidarity and peaceful uprising, and because many of us were there in unity to share the grief and give respect to the death of oscar grant and what family is forced to endure, the atmosphere of the protest progressively morphing into a flash-mob "party" was unsettling.

there seems to be a lot of discussions about "who" instigated "what" kind of disruptive activities, though i don't know if that's even a necessary conversation. true, i was standing right by the first sets of windows that got smashed, and it was done by a couple of non-poc anarchists. but i definitely saw a lot of poc who participated in the looting and vandalism throughout the night. i also heard through the grapevines that there were older asian ladies looting with shopping carts. but again, i don't know if it's even worth the effort to analyze all of the property damage that ensued and who were responsible. the point is, it looks like the very heart of this protest is yet again boycotted by careless actions, causing solidarity to crumble and coalitions to disengage.

i also owe an apology to my organizer friends who specifically wanted me to stay put and hold the fort at the safety house. because i did sneak behind their back only to be found among the mass of craziness as the police were closing in. so i'm sorry. but i just had to be there. my heart told me so.

the sentencing is scheduled to occur on august 6th. it's a friday. some of us are guessing that the protest that will take place may cause a larger riot. whether or not the intent of the activism, the reason why we are all engaged in unity in the first place, will be lost depends on how we act, and how we continue to act. so let's keep the focus on injustice. let's not get burned out by the distractions of irrational anarchism. let's not make this into a one-hit-wonder activism. let's keep it on the legacy of oscar so that his death will not go in vain.

(e)radical

2010-07-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

as we wait in anticipation for the verdict of johannes mehserle, as oakland braces itself for another riot, i am reminded of the recent experiences that have made me contemplate about radical activism. radical. progressive, revolutionary, leftist, extremist existence that challenges the power structure, deconstructs normativity, and shifts accepted paradigms. does that translates to eradicating perceived "others" from the community? what then, is the difference between activism and terrorism? i always thought that activism is a community organizing at its best. why do violent words and actions need to overcompensate for the value that the insurgency on its own possesses and divide communities even further into smaller factions based on the what's believed to be the larger "agenda"?

perhaps my standing by the school of non-violence and peaceful activism is perceived as naive or in the eyes of many anarchists and activists; insufficient. though i am still not convinced that the result of community organizing with the purpose to inflict terror, violence, and casualty is somehow more meaningful in bringing justice to the community. non-violence does not mean non-anger, nor does it mean non-resilience or silence. let me tell you, i am angry. i am angry and frustrated with so many things going wrong for so many folks in this world. i am pissed off, and i believe in insurgencies. but when the emotion takes a hold of a person's impulse, and when it is coalesced with the impulsive actions of the mass with a certain agenda, it only becomes the cultivator of the extreme violence, much like the taliban, much like the rodney king riot, which, in the end, only intensifies the effect of the social injustice causing harm to the very people that it is meant to protect.

in my personal belief, activism and insurgency are tools to unite the community together, to stand in solidarity to demand justice where wrongs have been done. but my recent experiences with radical community organizing have only made me feel discouraged and well, angry.

last january when the first oscar grant riot took place in oakland, i was in downtown oakland, and my car was smashed, along with everybody else's on 17th street, where small oakland businesses owned by folks of color are located. my first response to the scene of smashed windows and dumpsters on fire was sadness and empathy for the fact that so many folks of color live with the burden of racism, that they have no other way but to store up all the rage until it is finally unleashed by an extreme example of racism that is intense enough to be singled out by the media. then i heard a woman speak. she was the owner of one of the shops on 17th street who, at the time when someone threw a brick through the store window, had her infant child in her arms. she said that she tried to ask the individual who was about to throw the brick why they were doing this to her and to her shop, and that she has a baby with her. all she got in response, was something along the line of "i don't fu*king care... we're trying to teach people like you a lesson" and proceeded to throw the brick through the window. that broke my heart. as the woman quizzically responded to the interviewer why she had to be targeted with a painful and angered look on her face, i realized the impulsive actions of so-called radical activism is affecting the communities for which it is intended to protect, in a divisive manner.

i don't think i am alone on this - this was posted by an individual who accused the local activists of not doing enough:

"Fuck Bay Area Anarchists
by xxxxxxx
Friday Mar 13th, 2009 11:43 PM

Kid arrested and no one cares

After the San Francisco Anarchist Cafe tonight, a spontaneous street party/march emerged. Folks marched from the Cafe at 16th & Potrero down to Station 40 at 16th & Mission. The first half of the march was rad. We danced to the Brass Liberation Orchestra for a good 15-20 minutes before a single cop rolled up.

10 minutes later, a youth of color was detained and cited for Jaywalking. One kid was singled out from 50-100 marchers. This is standard. What's not is that the majority of the march (all but 15-20) kept moving. When one individual ran the 4 blocks the mass had marched away from the arrestee, and informed everyone that a kid was being arrested, he was met with "we know!" We had numbers. There were only 4 cop cars. I understand that the march was a party, not a protest, but fuck, man. Y'all would rather go to Station 40 to get drunk than support a comrade? I'm not saying everyone should've dearrested him (though we should've), but even standing to support him, or just chanting or really anything would have been better than abandonment. Y'all got issues. Fuck off and die.

Fuck Bay Area Anarchists. If y'all want kids to show up on Monday, to the Justin event or the Oscar grant event, get your fucking shit together.

Out."

to that, here is the response from the person who actually got arrested:

"Don't talk like that about Bay Area Anarchists and I'm the guy who got arrested
by it's me
Saturday Mar 14th, 2009 1:17 PM

I'm the guy that got arrested. Everything is fine and I don't know what this guy is talking about. Everybody stuck around for me yesterday. I'm fine. Don't be so quick to say fuck bay area anarchists because I’m one of them too! You’re basically saying fuck you to me as well. Don't know who you are but yeah! alright!

You can apologize to my friend with the ski-mask! hahahahaha

Cheers! ! !"

and here is the story of oakland community members expressing frustration about the outsider take over of the local issue. it speaks from the perspective of someone working to prevent violence within his community, and his effort being boycotted by the intimidation of the activists bringing their own agenda without consideration of the deeper local consequences. i must say, i echo his view point. because in the end, only ones that end up paying repercussions are those who are most oppressed in the community. ironic, don't you think?

the point is, why such hostility? why the prioritization of the agenda over the well-being and the justice of the community and all of its members? why overlook the deeper consequences of careless activism that ultimately defeats its purpose??

let me tell it with my own voice: i felt as if i was personally attacked for being who i am at an event that i believed i was welcome. the event, i thought, was for the community i was a part of, though i had no choice but to leave in the middle of it because i did not feel safe. some of the statements made during the event and the cheers that followed made me feel attacked for being in an interratial relationship, and for simply hoping to get married someday. i was made to feel as if my existence was openly ridiculed and my presence - as well as my partner's - denounced. regardless of the political backdrop (and probably personal history) that may validate the rationale, to me, it was careless, and offensive. what hurt me the most, was the fact that it came from my very own community. it is true - radical activism is about speaking out and breaking the silence, increasing the visibility of the injustice that disproportionately affect certain groups of people, but how could that be achieved by dismissing the different shades, shapes, contours, of the narrative each one of us bring to the table? why call it a "safe space for all" when in actuality, it is an exclusive space that alienates the "others?" how could anyone consider pointing fingers and disregard certain experiences as a means to deny being a part of a community to be an act of resistance? isn't that what sustains the foundation of discrimination?

another example: there are many queer events throughout bay area that are intended to be inclusive of everybody. with good intention or not, i keep seeing events that explicitly invite "women, trans, and femme" and exclude other dimensions of queer community, like "butch" for example. i do understand that there are stereotypes of a certain butch culture that is considered to be obnoxious and anti-feminist, heteronormative and perhaps oppressive of others. but when did the radical queers start defining ourselves with stereotypes? quite frankly, i do not feel welcomed at events or space that exclude "queer" or "butch" identity from the targeted groups. even though i do not rigidly identify myself as "butch," and lean more on the "queer" side of things, not seeing these identity terms do make me feel rejected. what happened to breaking down the stereotyped boundaries? what happened to the framework of celebrating diversity instead of eliminating those that don't "fit in?"

speaking one's story, one's history, is a powerful tool to unite the community and to bring awareness and action to the cause. though when it is turned around and is delivered to shame or blame the certain subset of our own community - however it is defined - for one's "agenda," it only crumbles the solidarity and disassembles coalitions: the essence of a community. i don't pretend to have all the answers, nor do i view myself as some kind of a victim. i don't. though i have realized that i need to be sharing my voice, my story, more loudly within my community too. just as i will give my ears and my heart to take in your narrative, please give me yours. afterall, the culmination; the amalgamation of each of our story is what defines our community.

many people dear to my heart will be at the rally when the verdict comes out to not only show their commitment to justice, but to keep everyone safe. for their sake, and more importantly, for the sake of the most mistreated and underrepresented members of our community, please take a moment to fight in solidarity without violence. only you can redefine radical.

honoring aung san suu kyi's birthday - nearly 15 years of house arrest

2010-06-19T11:56:00.000-07:00

"The quintessential revolution is that of the spirit, born of a conviction of the need for change in those mental attitudes and values which shape the course of a nation’s development. A revolution which aims merely at changing official policies and institutions with a view to an improvement in material conditions has little chance of genuine success. Without a revolution of the spirit, the forces which produced the iniquities of the old order would continue to be operative, posing a constant threat to the process of reform and regeneration. It is not enough merely to call for freedom, democracy and human rights. There has to be a united determination to persevere in the struggle, to make sacrifices in the name of enduring truths, to resist the corrupting influences of desire, ill will, ignorance and fear."

AUNG SAN SUU KYI

HotPot! Re-visioning queer Asian Identities‏

2010-05-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

Princess Pony Pants and Lazy Susan present...HotPot!: Re-visioning queer Asian identities. Bring fooooood. or not. You can just show up and eat incredible food too. And enjoy amazing performances by fabulous queer Asians!!

A multimedia artistic showcase and community potluck

$8-20 sliding scale
no one turned away
for lack of funds

Join us for a night of multimedia performance by various Bay Area Queer South & West Asian & North African (SWANA) and Asian Pacific IslanderDesi American (APIDA) artists and their allies. Through music, poetry, dance, drag, visual art, food and film, this night will be a celebration of the multiple identities that enrich our community. Our aim is to transcend the usual struggle for increased visibility for queer APIDA and SWANA community by moving towards a celebratory vision of inter-ethnic, multi-gendered solidarity. Celebrating the heritage, solidarity, and resilience of self-defined Asian community!

Please bring a potluck dish to share!

Featuring: Amara, Aimee Espiritu, Ami Puri, Amir Rabiyah, Billy "The Poof" Elliot, Chan Dynasty, Charleston Chu, Cherry Galette, Darius Morrison, Eugene Kang, Lazy Susan, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha,
Madeleine Lim, Manish Vaidya, Maria San, Kore Ansoul, So Yung Kim, Solirose, and Tonilyn Sideco

With a very special thanks to Amir Rabiyah, Celeste Chan, and Yumi Aikawa for all their support in the creating of this event!

celery pixie

2010-05-10T14:11:00.000-07:00

is magical.

blissful.

2010-02-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

supastar (edited for queerness)

2010-02-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

It's a pretty day, let's go outside and enjoy it
If you got something else in mind, then I'm all for it
I will take the chance, I will take your hand
Then we'll go there, go there...
Love isn't something that you earn, it's deserved
Love is something I can give cause I'm worth it
You amaze me
I am taken in
You're so lovely
I can

I can see you
Tell me what you wanna do
I know who you are
You're my SupaStar

My man said Heaven is a day away
If in the present, you loving a braver way
I wear the aura of a king, and dream of a love supreme
As a child, I was told that my love is king
Seen what it could bring to the lives of those
That ain't afraid to give with they souls exposed
Golden rose, you color my reality with balladry
Allowing me to love like a child that's free
I'm proud to be your SupaStar

My love is honest & true, and I can prove it baby
My love is everything to you, if you choose it baby
You're amazing
I'm so taken in
You're so lovely
I can

You know I liked her so much
It turned into loving
Then the love back to like,
Now I feel like I'm bursting
Well nursed her and named her
so full of potential
She stands tall, our feel is eternal
Fine like the earth, and the sea, and the sky
Together we make stars, we are truly fly
I wanna paint her, take a picture of her soul
The story should be told
See she's like everything I dreamed of
But better than the preview
Now everything she working on
Has got me saying "Me too!"
Like the food and I need, blood cause she bleed
She real 'cause I see, it's all meant to be
Remember how to make believe
Yo, these sistah's are your enemy
You're in a state of disbelief
Without your heart you'll never be
So sisters sing along with me
'Cause your love is true

You're my supastar
My love is honest & true, and I can prove it baby
Prove it baby, I can prove my love to you
My love is honest & true, and I can prove it baby
I can prove my love, Yeah Yeah

~floetry~

dreams

2010-02-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

i dream of waking up in the morning and feeling the power of synchrony of my passion and my duty. it is still hard for me to decipher what i am meant to do in this world. what my role is in the context of this world. there are so much suffering and sadness in this world and it makes me powerless and restless in the face of it. i feel so weak and small, the default of my self pity that is not worth shit.

green bouquet

2010-02-01T03:17:00.000-08:00

i feel like writing and it feels amazing. i have not felt this inspired in many months (as you can tell from the absence of real writing on this blog...), probably, to tell you the truth, i haven't felt like this for at least a few years. i'm not quite sure what i want to write about, but i think it's something about living and love and loneliness and fear and memories and nostalgia and well, letting go, i suppose.

while i was in japan over the holidays, i saw an amazing documentary on a young mountaineer, nobukazu kuriki, who is trying to find the meaning of his life by challenging 7 summits solo, without oxygen, with minimal high-altitude mountaineering experience. he has successfully climbed 6 out of 7, with only the everest left to go. his attempt at everest last year ended in disappointment, having to turn around before hitting the summit climb. and since it was (and still continues to be) his mission to broadcast his experience live on the web as a means to awaken the lost inspiration, courage, and will to live in the hearts of modern-day young adults, his experience is vividly recorded on film. watching his footage and listening to his interview, i was reminded of alex supertramp (christopher maccandless), the young american man who took off from his modern day living to live on the streets of the u.s., ending his life in the wilderness of alaska trying to be self-sutaining in the dead of the winter, alone, whose story was made famous by the book by krakauer: into the wild (and succeeding film).

kuriki and maccandless both seem to share the same frustration of the way we, young adults, are expected to live our lives in this society where inequality and unjust systems of power and wealth destroy humanity. clearly, i can attest to this. realizing that "meaning of life" is so tainted and undermined by daily needs of the modern living is a desolate, lonely experience, and sure, more sensitive you are, more passionately you would feel the need to prove it wrong, to defy what seems to be an inevitable path of life and die satisfied from trying... there is so much sadness in this world, and being able to see it is a blessing and a curse. it can drive you to the places of extreme thoughts where you may begin to question your very existence and the role you play in the context of the way world works.

what can i do? why was i born? what should i be doing with what i don't have and what i can't have?? these are questions that drive many of us to insanity, and i found the documentary both reassuring and exasperating, because in an essence, it sort of confirmed my powerlessness and inability to make something happen; to do something meaningful to the world, which in turn would be meaningful to me. perhaps it is a natural course of growth. perhaps it rests in the core of the saturn return. perhaps it is what is necessary for revolutions - or could it be enlightenment...? - to ignite. whatever the reason may be, i will probably continue to battle with the same kind of defeated (but heated) yearning that somehow keeps me on my feet.

in the middle of these thoughts one of my recent horoscopes said:

"Great benefits, at first very subtly, begin to fall into your life. Later you realize a joy has quietly entered your life as if on little cat's feet. You find your thinking is reshaping itself. Intuition, perception and visions become more and more available. Allow nothing to stress or impose demands upon you. Your fear could do this. Love neutralizes fear."

joy has entered my life indeed, with a green bouquet that she grew with her own hands, nurtured with familiar memories and pain and loneliness. quietly but with an incredible intensity that reminds me of the waterfall, the light from the harvest moon, the sun that can heal and produce life thick with vivacious vigor, she found her way into my life. this shuddering of my soul speaks only truth, the sign of acceptance, of synchrony; our tears are colored the same...

she introduced me to this comical, quirky and yet darkly poignant japanese (naturally) film, kamikaze girls (shimotsuma monogatari), which we watched together, and there is a quote that acts as the central theme of the story:

"human beings are cowards in the face of happiness. you need courage to hold onto happiness."

and boy, isn't it punching me (or rather, head budding...?) in the face right now. having something i have been waiting for, something so beautiful and precious and extraordinary is nudging me to the edge of the cliff made slick by self-deprecating insecurity. joy makes me vulnerable. happiness makes me melancholy. this is when i go back to my horoscope and think about what maccandless wrote in his book a few days before his death:

"happiness - life - is best when shared"

trust me, i'm not going to be a coward. instead, i'm going to indulge in the gratefulness for her presence, for her love, and possibility and hope.

the letter - to my beloeved children

2009-09-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

the song became a huge hit in japan, the society that is facing a tremendous amount of difficulty because of the aging population... my mom saw it at dad's hospital unit, and clearly, i want every young person to read it. as our parents and grand parents grow older and change, we have to be able to understand what and how we can give them the love they need and deserve. i know that some of us have close family members who suffer(ed) from dimentia and altzheimer's, and it's up to us what their last days are going to be like. this is a song for all of us, from every parent in the world.

**************************************************

the letter - to my beloved children
by anonymous (in portuguese)
translation in japanese by ryoichi higuchi
translation in english by me

even if i become old someday
and change into someone different from who i am now
please accept me as i am

even if i spill food onto my clothes
or forget to tie my shoelace
just as i did while i taught you many things
i hope you will protect me

even if i tell you the same story
over and over again
please don't discount each ending
but instead simply nod and listen

the happy ending of the story
you asked me to read aloud for you over and over
was the same every time
though it never failed to bring peace to my heart

it is not a sad thing
even though my heart may look as if it is fading away
and disappear
i wish for your hopeful gaze

if i wet my pants when i laugh
and if i refuse to take a bath
i hope you will remember the times
when i used to chase you around to change your clothes
and came up with a handful of silly reasons
to take a bath with you

it is not a sad thing
i'm just getting ready to begin a new journey
so please give me prayers of joy
may be my teeth will weaken and
may be i won't be be able to swallow anymore
if my legs become too wasted and couldn't stand on my own
just as you asked for me trying to stand on your own small feet
please let me hold your hands so that i won't shake and fall

please don't look at me and grieve
or think that you are powerless
realizing that i don't have enough energy to hug you is a cruel fact
but i only ask for you to have a heart
that can understand and hold me

i am sure that's all it takes, that's all it takes
for the courage to rise inside me

just as i stood by you
as you began your life
i hope you will stand by me for a little while
at the end of mine

with much delight you've brought me by being born
and love for you that will never change
i want to answer with a smile

for my children

to my beloved children

手紙　〜親愛なる子供達へ〜

年老いた私がある日
今までの私と違っていたとしても
どうかそのままの私のことを
理解して欲しい

私が服の上に食べ物をこぼしても
靴ひもを結び忘れても
あなたにいろんな事を教えたように
見守って欲しい

あなたと話す時同じ話を
何度も　何度も　繰り返しても
その結末をどうかさえぎらずに
うなずいて欲しい

あなたにせがまれて　繰り返し読んだ
絵本のあたたかな結末は
いつも同じでも私の心を
平和にしてくれた

悲しい事ではないんだ
消え去ってゆくように　見える私の心へと
励ましのまなざしを向けて欲しい

楽しいひと時に私が思わず
下着を濡らしてしまったり
お風呂に入るのをいやがる時には
思い出して欲しい
あなたを追い回し　何度も着替えさせたり
様々な理由をつけて
いやがるあなたとお風呂に入った
懐かしい日のことを

悲しいことではないんだ
旅立ちの前の準備をしている私に
祝福の祈りを捧げて欲しい
いずれ歯も弱り　飲み込む事さえ
出来なくなるかも知れない
足も衰えて　立ち上がる事すら
出来なくなったなら
あなたがか弱い足で立ち上がろうと
私に助けを求めたように
よろめく私に　どうかあなたの
手を握らせて欲しい

私の姿を見て悲しんだり
自分が無力だと思わないで欲しい
あなたを抱きしめる力がないのを
知るのはつらい事だけど
私を理解して支えて
くれる心だけを持っていて欲しい

きっとそれだけで　それだけで
私には勇気がわいてくるのです

あなたの人生の始まりに
私がしっかりと付き添ったように
私の人生の終わりに少しだけ
付き添って欲しい

あなたが生まれてくれたことで
私が受けた多くの喜びと
あなたに対する変わらぬ愛を持って
笑顔で答えたい

私の子供たちへ

愛する子供たちへ

celebrate the harvest

2009-09-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

the autumn is just around the corner, and this summer was a success in my garden. back in the spring jm & i planted 2 varieties of heirloom tomatoes (june pink and purple prudence), sungolds, lemon cucumber, baby eggplant, fordhook chard, potatoes that started sprouting in the cupboard, and some mint. along with all of this we also added oregano, and kait's multi-headed sunflower from slide ranch. perhaps thanks to the magic of the "worm juice" (worm compost run-off), they all grew and bloomed like a jungle, totally gorgeous and out of control, wild and thriving, full of life and power.

potatoes that began sprouting in jm's cupboard bore few cycles of delicious reds.

first few harvests of chard were large and leafy - then the garden got taken over by the overgrowth of tomatoes...!

very first harvest of sungolds and june pink.

more june pink and sungolds.

my first purple prudence.

bowlfull of sunsoaked goodness. made in my backyard, oakland.

the mama purple prudence.

the last - winter - harvest in november that amazed me.

playing for change

2009-07-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

i just watched these and sobbed at my desk at work. i think you will understand if you watch them. music exists on the fundamental place of humanity. THIS is power. THIS is freedom. THIS is love. THIS is peace.

the tangible art of healing

2009-07-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

The telling of my story is an act of resistance, a statement to the world of my community’s rage, despair and silenced voice, all of which I choose to carry in my own struggles to be a part of the change – the change that would make me feel content, that would help me know that when it is time for me to die, I can die smiling knowing that I am leaving it better than I found it. I want to share my abundance and privilege with those whose rights to health have been stripped because of the systematic act of prejudice, whose children will continue to carry the history of structural violence in their blood, on their skin and in their bones. I want to be the physician that can help heal not only a wound or a disease, but also a community itself; it is with community that I believe true change begins. I have led an extraordinary life thus far, filled with multitudes of opportunities for me to grow and evolve, for which I am eternally grateful. It would be a lie for me to say it was easy, to be constantly in motion, to be uprooted repeatedly, to be independent at the age when you should not have to be, to be alone in the bicultural bridge over the abyss of expectations and responsibility. However, because of these challenges, I am blessed enough to have had opportunities to get to know people from all walks of life, to be immersed in ideas and cultures far from what I had ever known, ideas and cultures which have deconstructed my norms, assumptions and beliefs, and cultivated the person that I am today, ready to give myself away to the art of healing, to the public’s health and well-being.

I was born to an older father who practiced dermatology at his own clinic in Sendai, Japan, and a mother who was the administrator of the clinic. I grew up in close proximity to all things medical; watching my father cultivate relationships with patients from the community, memorizing the names of medicines he prescribed, and my favorite – looking at all sorts of organisms and biological particles with my father under his beloved microscope. Despite my father’s alcoholism, both of my parents gave me incredible amounts of love and ample opportunities to explore and learn about myself and what I wanted to do with my life when I grew up. They never forced me to pursue medicine, and as a matter of fact, as a child, I thought about pursuing many other careers including kindergarten teacher, carpenter, astronaut, comic book artist, scientist, musical theater performer…. the list goes on. However, I always came back to my most prominent dream: becoming a physician. Not just any physician, but someone like Hideyo Noguchi, like Albert Schweitzer, like Ginko Ogino, who became physicians out of an extraordinary passion to want to cure the incurable, and to treat the underserved. This is how I met Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders), and how I, as a scared but determined twelve-year-old, came to the U.S. to begin a new phase of my life.

My parents were (and continue to be) determined to provide me support in my pursuit of living my life to its fullest, of realizing my dream. They are the ones who taught me to see the joy and beauty of having a dream and working towards realizing that dream. It was they who helped me get to the boarding schools in the U.S. where I began my solo journey of self-discovery that allowed me to open my third eye, which eventually led me back to where I started: the drive to want to give oneself away to the vulnerable through the art of healing. Those pre-teenage and teenage years were not easy. Not only was starting school in a new language hard enough, learning to function in a particular society as an independent person without constant guidance and care from my family was also extremely difficult. I also learned in hard ways the smallness of myself, of my failures; the inability to be the best the way I had always been, to stand out from the rest the way I had always taken for granted. The schools I attended had many students who were on full scholarships from all over the world, with whose level of intelligence I could not compete. I felt the immensity of the world, and it gave me an opportunity to learn that there will always be someone who is going to outrun me no matter what, and that all I can do is to do the best I can. Nonetheless, I survived those years without too much trauma, and gained an ability to work with my own strengths and weaknesses. However, attending prestigious college- preparatory private schools, there was always a sense of disconnect inside my heart, a sense that somehow I was misplaced and that I did not belong there. The sensation was different from the discomfort of identity discordance, which was abundant in my struggle to come to terms with my sexuality and gender. The source of such unease began to be unveiled during my years in college, where I shed my last pubescent skin and entered a true adulthood, through which I acquired the first doses of wisdom that have become the foundations of my current life. More than anything, people I met in college – friends, staff, and professors alike – have touched me in ways that were unlike anyone else whom I had met in the past. Each one of their stories was unique and powerful, and it fed their passion and determination. In turn, getting to know them and cultivating friendship and camaraderie with these individuals gave me courage, skills, faith, and support to practice my own beliefs and strive to become the person that I desired to be.

As in any process of self-discovery, it was hard for me to settle into my new skin; juggling the utter freedom of college life, experiencing first real romance, and learning the level of commitment required by my chosen extra-curricular activities, the reality of responsibilities associated with independent adult life, and the academic rigor of the science classes. During such a tumultuous period of personal growth, I was unable to sustain emotional stability on my own and I had to seek psychological counseling. My grades suffered, and my cognitive focus was lost. However, with the tremendous guidance provided by my therapist along with my own drive to evolve, by the time the senior year came, I was finally able to be comfortable with my own self and focus on my school work. Although my academic performance at Smith was not on par with what I believe is my maximum potential, I gained so much outside of academia – about life, humanity, society, and compassion – all of which are fundamental to the work of a community physician.

When deciding what to do with my life after college, I was somehow reluctant to apply to medical schools. I was not sure why I felt that way then, but now I know that it was because I simply was not ready. I needed to continue exploring my motivation and determining its strength, a strength that was and is able to sustain my commitment to a clinician’s career path. As a close alternative to a medical school, based on my curiosity in living organisms and drive to want to discover something that would benefit the world at large, I decided to pursue a career in medical research. After working at the Foundation for Osteoporosis Research and Education briefly, where I became familiar with the nuts and bolts of clinical research, I joined a laboratory at Children’s Hospital Oakland Research Institute as a research scientist, investigating several genetic and immunological aspects of bacteria Chlamydia trachomatis and Chlamydia pneumoniae in clinical samples from the U.S., South East Asia, and Latin America. I cannot deny that fact that I enjoyed my work at the institute, though despite my aptitude for laboratory-based research, I became discontent and conflicted with the large gap that exists between research and the patients from whom the samples were taken. I understood that in theory, findings that were being published through research could help these patients. However, the juxtaposition between the excessive resources that were poured into research and how little these sick underserved people had became an unbearable ethical issue for my conscience. I could not help but to feel that we were conducting research for research’s sake – to publish novel findings in the most prestigious journals to receive more funding to do the same – and that the process had become completely detached from the act of healing. Whether or not this was a true interpretation of my experience aside, this research experience began to elicit a sense of discomfort once again, and it seemed as though I was far from where I wanted to be. This is how I came to shift my gears and pursue a Master’s degree in Public Health to learn about population-based research and community-based health advocacy.

My academic experience in graduate school was remarkable. I felt as if I finally found a niche in the grand scheme of medical research, where I found the greatest potential to conduct research-by-the-people-for-the-people. The classes were engaging and motivating, and conversations captivated my heart and spoke to my soul. Aside from the fact that I was genuinely inspired by the public health paradigm in which I was immersed, the experience brought me back full circle to wanting to become a physician. The seed I had planted long ago had finally found a favorable climate to germinate. Using this realization as a springboard, I took an initiative to become more involved with what I believed was an important aspect of building a healthy community, and I served as a member of the Rhode Island Tobacco Control Disparities Workgroup, a new committee of the Rhode Island Department of Health’s tobacco control program to address issues related to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) populations, and also as a chairperson of the executive board that oversees Lifelines Rhode Island, a community-based non-profit organization that provides social support and advocacy to transgender and gender-variant people in the Southern New England region. After graduating from graduate school, I decided to move back to Northern California and began my new career in the medical quality field working as a cultural and linguistic competency program coordinator. The goal of my work is to assist healthcare providers and medical education professionals to become aware of and recognize the importance of cultural and linguistic sensitivity as a means to improve health and wellbeing in the general population. The premise of cultural and linguistic competency comes from the need to address health disparities which form barriers to the advancement of health in underserved populations, and to delve into the socio-economically structured system of discrimination that creates inequity in access and utilization of healthcare.

These experiences of my involvement with the underserved members of my community have convinced me that this is the road I want to take; the road to become a medical community leader who is able to exercise the power to heal, the power to investigate the inequities, and the power to provide needed medical care as vehicles to change the health care system as a whole. I want to be the physician who is able to bridge the reality of the community’s healthcare needs and the medical system.

I commute everyday on a train, and it has become my sweat-lodge of reflection. As I watch the faces of strangers; some familiar from our daily train ride and others I do not recognize, thoughts glide through my mind along with the moving scenery of the city, all the way from the lush green hills speckled with glistening windows to the rows of boarded up houses that flank the industrial concrete port. In moments like these, I wonder when we became so detached from our senses, from our own hands and feet, from our skin and our hearts. We thrive in a society where every aspect of what nurtures human lives has become invisible, only available as a mere concept: business is transacted through credit and via electronic payments, communication is carried out through e-mails, education has become defined by scores of computerized tests. And health? It has become a commodity. Health has become a synonym for wealth, wrapped up in and woven through with statistics and theories. When and how did we allow our own health and well being to become something so far downstream from humanity and become fabricated concepts? As we all know, the World Health Organization defines health as: “a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity (Preamble to the Constitution of the World Health Organization as adopted by the International Health Conference, New York, 19-22 June, 1946; signed on 22 July 1946 by the representatives of 61 States [Official Records of the World Health Organization, no. 2, p. 100] and entered into force on 7 April 1948.).” However, this ideology has fallen victim to human nature’s drive for advancement and economic prosperity, and has taken physicians out of a conscience-based system into a capitalistic system where insurance companies allegedly hold the ultimate power to heal. I strive to become a physician who challenges such systemic inequality, and brings medical care back to the examination table, back to communication and the relationship with patients, back to the practices of nurturance and love and the commitment to serve those who become deprived of health and wellbeing regardless of their socio-economic circumstances. I want to become a physician who can look patients in their eyes, listen, touch, feel, understand and aid without assumptions and value judgments. And if the system does not allow me to do it, I will take the initiative to lead in changing it.

This is what I want to do with my life: practice the tangible art of healing.

Fair Pay Day 2009 is coming!

2009-03-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

----------------------------------------------------
Fair Pay Day 2009
by Robin Reed, Online Outreach Manager
National Women’s Law Center

April 28 will mark Equal Pay Day — the point in 2009 when the average woman’s wages finally catch up with what the average man earned in 2008.

In January, Congress passed and President Obama signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, marking a critical step in giving women the ability to challenge unequal pay will be restored.

But despite this success, pay equity is still a major issue in the movement for women’s equality. Women still earn only 78 cents for every dollar earned by men — and for women of color, the numbers are even worse. African-American women earn 69 cents and Latinas earn 59 cents for every dollar paid to men. We need to make sure that once women challenge pay discrimination, they have the tools they need to prove their cases and hold their employers accountable.

A bill currently before the Senate, the Paycheck Fairness Act, would build on the success of the Ledbetter bill and deter wage discrimination against women. The bill has already passed the House this year, and there's strong momentum to move it forward in the Senate. Please write to your Senators and urge them to support the Paycheck Fairness Act!

shake it up, america!

2009-03-06T17:52:00.000-08:00

nearly cried.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

resonating with me today

2009-01-29T12:09:00.000-08:00

Eagle Poem - Joy Harjo

To pray you open your whole self
To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon
To one whole voice that is you.
And know there is more
That you can't see, can't hear,
Can't know except in moments
Steadily growing, and in languages
That aren't always sound but other
Circles of motion.
Like eagle that Sunday morning
Over Salt River. Circled in blue sky
In wind, swept our hearts clean
With sacred wings.
We see you, see ourselves and know
That we must take the utmost care
And kindness in all things.
Breathe in, knowing we are made of
All this, and breathe, knowing
We are truly blessed because we
Were born, and die soon within a
True circle of motion,
Like eagle rounding out the morning
Inside us.
We pray that it will be done
In beauty.
In beauty.

growth.

2009-01-27T11:00:00.000-08:00

in my desperate plea for some sort of self-healing method, i attended a women's retreat in sebastopol. i was very much reluctant in the begining, for i have never done anything like it in my life. in a way, i thought it would be too ritualistic and too spiritual, that i won't be able to find something sunstancial that i can take with me to work with after the retreat. however, my experience turned out the be exactly what i needed - to be exposed to the connectedness of the mother earth's healing energy through comeraderie of women from all walks of life. and through rituals and guided meditations, i faced my most gruesome demons, relinquished their venom through dance and fire, and visualized my life as it should be using art. i regained a sense of hope, faith, that i am good enough, i am all that i am proud of, and that i am not alone. every bit of the work we did, and every word shared, every tear that fell, were all so beautiful and wonderfully cleansing.

now that i'm back to the life of young workforce, i am trying my best to keep up with spiritual healing and growth. i've settled in a vinyasa yoga class at Namaste Yoga Studio in rockridge, which i attend with my good friend rachel and my neighbor aly every week. i've also found a therapist with a japanese twist at Blue Oak Therapy Cener whom I see every week. i'm also back at the y working on my cardio and strengthening routines. i am generous with my time for friends, and give myself a lot of space to laugh and enjoy life. i think only piece missing is some sort of community service. i want to be involved with empowering and supporting LGB and/or trans/gender-queer youths. may be i'll start something up. who knows... but i feel this need to want to give myself to the world like i am meant to be. although my daily work does that in a very roundabout way, i want to work with people on a daily basis. i want to be there for young people who just need a little perspective from someone like themselves; through a pat on the shoulder or a hug or someone to hold them or to laugh with them to feel good about themselves - to assist in their affirmation that they belong to this world and that they are loved. something that was missing from my early years of queerhood.

regardless, i've been able to keep my heart chakra open and it feels spectacular. love is the foundation of inner stillness, as my yoga teacher said the other night. he also told us that if love comes and knocks on your window, to not let reasoning put bars on the window, but rather let love flow in freely. what a lovely concept. i just need to remind myself to remain grounded and at peace with each day that unfolds. despite the matters of immigration sitting heavily on my shoulders, i am surprisingly content. at this point, developmental biology class this spring is not happening. so be it. i need to stop worrying and just do it. life is in my hands, and man, i can do anything, i can be anything.

can you hear the sound of me growing?

ingredients for healing

2009-01-07T17:48:00.000-08:00

listen to your grief. let it be your teacher.
hold a picture of yourself as someone who can heal.
be willing to look at your mistakes, conclusions, and false assumptions.
the mind plays tricks on people.
eliminate the blocks to joy.
learn to live with mystery.
explore forgiveness.
be gentle with yourself. have a mercy on yourself.

shine

2009-01-01T17:34:00.000-08:00

the new year has come. quite frankly, i'm a bit frazzled again. despite the good fortune told by all japanese fortune readings, the new year's day came with clouds cast over every aspect of the day. but someone very special to me finally sent me an email that she said she had been working on. last time we talked, she said she kept writing and erasing, revising and revising. it was a beatiful email, and showed me how strong, wise and determined she is. at the same time, it showed me how selfish i had been. what she is trying to do, is exactly what i need to do. i look up to her wholeheartedly. i hope to be able to be like her someday.

both into the forest and kafka on the shore stress on the connectedness of all; how we are a part of all past and future, a part of the intangible, intricate power of the wild world, and that we exist as a dynamic "being" that gains meaning by interacting with all that surrounds us. being able to embrace such fact, is precisely what can tame one's loneliness and emptiness that seem so invincible. that is how one can be at peace with life.

often, i look back or look around me and become extremely envious. nostalgic. jealous. dejected. and somehow, that makes my future pitch black. it is freightening, and i get gnots in my stomach. my demon growls louder. i need to beat this. i am better than this. i can do this. i can shine. but i must shine myself first:

- extinguish envy and jealousy as they arise
- always work towards getting bigger, faster, stronger (smith rugby lives on)
- create something everyday even if it's something small
- no looking back, no looking too far forward; accept life as it comes
- transcend impermanance
- follow the signs, the serendipity

luck is on my side, i know. as long as i shine myself.

but today, i just want to cry. just for a little while. while i listen to the mix i made.

snow's embrace

2008-12-30T05:52:00.000-08:00

Usually, I would start the post by saying that the year has gone by quickly. This year is different, however. This year has been a very long year... It began with the lingering sense of loss and heartbreak. There was my master's thesis trouble. Then many good byes and the solo move x-country. There were months of unemployment and disappointment filled with self-criticism and self-hatred. My father's illness and hospitalization. My battle for inner peace and true love... This year has left me rather weathered and listless, which undoubtedly put my spirit frazzled as I boarded the plane headed to Japan. Now that it has been a full week since I've returned to Sendai, I have realized that this was exactly what I needed to recuperate; to mend my heart, regain my balance, and to refocus my energy. As the year comes to a close, I'm begining to (re)construct my resolution; to live my life raw, to (be)li(e)ve in my own wisdom and strength.

Sendai has been rather cold and snowy this holiday season.

Snow has come and gone to our village along with the holiday cheer.

My visits to dad's nursing home aside, I spend a lot of time reading when I visit my parents' house. Since last week, I've finished Into the Forest, and I've began my conquest of Kafka on the Shore in Japanese. VERY interesting. I sometimes go to the English version of the book, and I think it is true that some "things" get lost in translation. I hope to read it through in Japanese, and perhaps re-read it in English again for a complete comparison of the literally experience. I also spend some time solving Sudoku. I take a bath every night. This time, my mother also got me hooked on figure skating broadcasts, and a TV series called Princess Atsu, an epic about a princess who essentially brought Japan to open its doors to the rest of the world and helped the revolutionaries overthrow the old socio-political structure of caste system. Her historical contribution has been only recently acknowledged to the deserved level of importance, and especially after this TV series, she is now considered as the heroin of the modernization of the Japanese society.

In between skating championships and Princess Atsu episodes, I have been also working on the arrangement of Midnight Train to Georgia to be sang by Rapid Transit. This song was voted in in the begining of this month to be sang next year, and since I have a piano here, I want to finish arranging before I go back to Oakland. Besides, it gives me such peace and joy to be able to press the heavy keys (which I used to despise as a child taking lessons) of my grand piano that I have neglected all these years. And, last but not least, one of my favorite things to do here, is making little animals out of clay, and I've made some new ones that I'm quite excited about.

Quite obviously, they are my beloved cats Tiki and Tembo.

Some of you may recognize these lovely dogs: Nico and Henry.

I began creating these little ones for my mother, who is a Japanese washi (paper) doll craftswoman. She usually makes larger, more serious dolls like this one:

but sometimes her artisan school does a large exhibit in which everyone (teachers and students alike) collaborate to create a diorama. And of course, as a lover of creating small things, I wanted to make something.

Due to the master teacher's illness, this year's exhibit was cancelled, but my little animals made a home in my mother's miniture diorama:

With contentment brought forth by the snow's embrace (and the fantastic fortune told by the Six Star Astrology for the coming year), I am ready to welcome the new year.

life is embosomed in beauty.

2008-12-05T10:48:00.000-08:00

another slow day at the office today. but i got a replacement chair with arm rests and adjustable seat. yay. many small significant things have happened since the synecdoche post, including the lovely bird-eating holiday, a little get-away trip to mendocino coast, and learning first-hand the creative process of linea carta and other local artists, craftswomen, and designers. these events have also given me plenty to contemplate about, and yes, indeed, i had been a little more emotional than i was before.

anyway, when i replaced my office chair today, they told me i can take the "worn out" chairs home if i wanted to. my office is giving me a lot these days, including the IMQ printed thermos, an umbrella, and baskets that have accumulated over the course of years through catering. those actually helped linea carta lastnight at a holiday sale, and i'm very pleased about it. despite the lack of work (or shall i say the over bundance of internet time??)

so here it goes - a little catching-up report of the last couple of weeks...

you know, as much as it being slightly counterproductive, being unemployed all summer kind of wore me out and that was making me itchy for a vacation. so now that i have a job, i decided i should do it even though technically speaking, i was kind of on a "vacation" all summer... and of course, diva - my partner-in-crime these days - has been feeling the same itch too. so literally in the midst of her stress-attack preparing for various holiday sales, we decided to pack up the car, along with her lil'dogs and took ourselves up to mendocino to spend the weekend at the stanford inn by the sea, a lovely pet-friendly b&b with a scrumptuous vegetarian/locavoire restaurant. even though i've heard wonderful things about mendocino coast, i had never been up there, so i was utterly overjoyed to have had a chance to get up there. and oh how it lived up to my expectations! i would say it's probably one of the greatest weekend getaways you can do living in the bay area - it's got everything you can ask for: the panoramic presence of the grandiose pacific coast, fabulous local wine and produce, a charming sea-side town, plethora of opportunities for outdoor adventures, and best of all, the earthy friendliness of the northern califonians. the inn was aboslutely lovely, and the raven's restaurant was impressive. menue was full of creative concoctions made from seasonal produce from the area - lots of mushrooms and root vegetables - and hmmm hmmm hmmm everything we had from scones to citrous polenta with garden greens to heirloom tomato salad to cormeal encrusted oyster mushrooms to nut based roasted red pepper spread were all so brilliantly flavored and put together. a delightful pleasure in a mouthful.

************

holidays are usually hard for me. they bring my demons to the surface, and they kind of scratch my heart raw. thus naturally, i had my wee breakdown the night before thanks giving, although i think it had a lot to do with the fact that i hadn't cried in weeks and that it was waiting to be purged.

stay tuned... i'm going to finish my story on thank giving sometime soon!

************

one of the greatest things about being personally involved with artists, i have discovered, is having opportunities for being part of the creative process. in the light of preparing for the series of holiday sales and holiday orders, i have been learning and helping linea carta production process. it's been so much fun learning how diva's artwork gets printed on the variety of products, how they are packaged, tagged, and wrapped. i've always had a "thing" for busy hand-work (as people call me, ahem, "nimble fingers...") and so i've been enjoying every minute of it. when i was just begining, i was extremely scared of making mistakes, and yes, i did make mistakes (but diva was really nice about it...!), but overall, i think i've done pretty well. i even learned how to use japanese manual printing kit printgocco, which i originally did not recognize, but now i realize as the japan's most popular nengajo (traditional new year cards) making kit pre computer. i definitely remember being in the presence of my friends printing nengajo using gocco (i didn't own one because my family always did the cheeeeesy photo ones made by our photography studio). it is sad to let you know though, you creative souls, while i was doing a little research for this blog entry, i have learned that all manual gocco kits and products are discontinued as of this summer and no longer in production... 30 years of manual printgocco history is coming to a close in this digital age. makes me a little sad, actually. not just about gocco but the whole "digitalized" culture... there is something to be said for being crafty using tools and paint, kids and adults alike, creating homemade items to be given as gifts or simple correspondences. this is how i feel about e-mails and online profiles too (yes yes, you can criticize me for blogging...) - i feel as though as convenient as they are, they are missing out on the essence of staying touch with people who are important to you, or building communities.

************

lastnight was a friends & family holiday sale at the studio of jeanine payer, the world renown san francisco based jewelry artist who also invited the ceramisist rae dunn, diva's friend, and linea carta to participate. wow. is all i can say. well, not quite, because i'm about to tell you what the experience was like, but honestly, what i encountered at the event was truly moving and inspirational. first of all, the design concepts of both jeanine and rae were spectacular. in particular, each one of jeanine's jewelry has so much packed into it; the poetry, the aesthetics, the sentimentality, it truly moved me. and it was really wonderful to be able to see the actual pieces in your own hands, in a cozy space where they were born, while talking to the women who all took part in the creative process. i had seen jeanine's work on celebrities and catalogues and such, and always found them very lovely and charming, but seeing it in real life made me fall in love with it. i actually purchased a brilliant piece for myself, a ring with a line from emerson's poem hidden inside. the piece actually looks like this pendant. as you can see, the two halves of the ring twists to reveal the hidden poem: "When the act of reflection takes place in the mind, when we look at ourselves in the light of thought, we discover that our life is embosomed in beauty." amazing. and rae dunn's ceramics are adorable and chic; made me want to deck out my whole apartment with her work. i'm excited to shop this weekend at her studio duing her holiday sale. what was most incredible, though, was meeting all of these artists. they are SO wonderfully genuine and fun, open-minded and shining with vivacious energy eminating from them. i was honored to meet them, and it was delightful to be in their company.

the guests also loved linea carta products, and i was happy to have witnessed the apprciation, joy, and awe that were reflected in their eyes. i think that seeing what the artist does behind the scenes; how much of her soul, energy, love and care goes into creating each one of these products allowed me to see what would be a simple business transaction as something more intimate, something more pure and poignant. i suppose this is how things were before capitalism brought mass production and consumerism into what used to be more personal relationships between the businesses and their customers. with these thoughts and smile on my face, i could not help but be inspired to delve into my imagination and create something beautiful.

fourth & clay holiday: feat. LINEA CARTA

2008-11-24T16:06:00.000-08:00

sat & sun, dec 6 & 7, 11am - 6pm, fourth & clay studio (@ 4th street & channing way, berkeley)

it's time for the hustle and bustle of the holiday shopping again! go check out (and and certainly purchase) diva's lovely stationeries for your loved ones (or for yourself)!!! my personal plug aside, this event is truly a treat, so just come enjoy the holiday spirit and appreciate the creative energy of the artist community.

it also features other local artists as well, so come support your creative community and indulge in the retail-art therapy!

more information on the event: fourth & clay holiday

more information on diva and her work: linea carta

synecdoche, my life....?

2008-11-20T15:17:00.001-08:00

i am feeling rather blue and frazzled today, for i saw the new charlie kaufman film synecdoche, new york with amanda last night. the film itself was indeed poignantly done, and was built on extremely interesting plot and storyline (if there is one at all) that transcends the notion of time and place as kaufman always does. it would be a lie if i said i did not enjoy it. i did. actually, i was utterly enthralled. but at the same time, it was freighteningly honest and dark, frank, and so deep that it hurt my brain as well as my heart. i think that it got at the most sensitive and hideous parts of many of our fears - about life unfolding so fast, so meaninglessly, that death comes without a chance to be able to cultivate contentment with what one has achieved in a lifetime, and ultimately becomes this bitter, harboured sense of defeat and loss because one was unable to find "the answer" or "the truth."

i think what disturbs me the most about this film, is that it feels WAY too personal for me. i am scared of myself turning out like the protagonist. in essence, i think the film is supposed to let you know that life IS up to interpretation much like the film itself and the "theatrical performance" that the film is primarily focused around, that the film is but a perspective of the protagonist's life SOLELY through his interpretation. in other words, we as observers will never know which part of his story seen in the film is unbiased and real, and that some of it are sure to be warped and obscured via his hypochondria, OCD, depression, and mere emotional tide. i mean, i know this. my life IS up to me to decide whether it's fulfilling or not. i can be grateful or resentful. the cup can be half-full or half-empty. but this is exactly what i mean - we all struggle with this desolate sense of what i call "alone-ness," a helpless feeling beyond loneliness because yes, each one of us is alone in the process of interpreting his/her own life, and the film blatantly shows it.

the problem is that much like the protagonist, i too live too much in my head, my emotions sometimes take over my logical thoughts, and i do have neurosies that i can't quite explain. i also do harbour this sense of alone-ness, and sometimes, i am just sad. i am freightened of not being able to have done something meaningful in my life when it's time for me to die. i am scared of not finding the love of my life and thus never having my own "home." at least, though, i realize this. i realize that because i hold the power to interpret and understand my own life anyway i want, i must seize that power and recognize all the abundance that exist in my life. all the small joys and moments of glory. all the love i receive and hearts that i've touched.

so, for the love of the world, i surely hope NOT to go the way the protagonist went...! if you ever think i'm headed that way, DO let me know... PLEASE.

PROTEST DOWN MARKET AGAINST H8!

2008-11-06T16:12:00.001-08:00

PLEASE EVERYONE IN BAY AREA COME OUT AND SHOW SOLIDARITY!

one step forward, two steps back

2008-11-05T12:10:00.000-08:00

it is a great honor and pleasure to have witnessed the victory of the first president of color. downtown oakland was just overjoyed lastnight, everyone celebrating on the streets with obama paraphernalia, star-spangled-banner, fire works, and music.

Will.I.am - it's a new day
by Dritingtofrenchus

however, to my dismay, prop 8 passed... i've been following incessantly the progress of where this is going to go, and decided to speak up on kqed discussion forum, particularly in response to someone who were making fundamentally faulty argument for prop 8.

here is what he said:

Why does the news media insist on calling this a "Ban on Gay Marriage". It was never intended to be a "ban". Pete Wilson, not us, defined it that way to bias the voters. Prop 8 is about restoring traditional marriage as we have always known it. What actually happened when the California Supreme Court overturned Prop 22 is that marriages could no longer be between a husband and wife. It now was Party A and Party B. Our marriage institution had been destroyed. We could no longer be married as husband and wife, but only as Party A and Party B. I think the voters saw through Pete Wilson's trickery.

We, the YES voters of Prop A, have no grudges against gays and lesbians, except that they kept stealing our signs and accosting us, taking away OUR freedom of speech. If any rights are being trumped, it is ours, not theirs. We believe they should have all the same governmental rights as traditional marriage partners. However it is not "marriage". Marriage is between a man and a woman. Gays and lesbians should be provided government ceremonies that guaruntee equal rights, but it cannot be called "marriage". It is simply a civil union, call it whatever else you like.

Please stop refering to prop 8 as a "ban on gay marriage". It is, in fact, simply "restoration of traditional marriage".

- Ken Hatch

And to that, I responded:

I would like to respond to Mr. Hatch's idea of "restoring traditional marriage."

Let's think about this for a moment - what IS a "traditional marriage" in the context of present society (or even in the past)? A man and a woman "married" but each having acknowledged extra marital affairs considered "traditional marriage?" How about a man and a woman "married" on paper but for the sole purpose of getting around certain tax/financial/asset related regulations? How about an arranged or forced marriage between a man and a woman? What if that marriage is abusive and one was physically threatened into it? Are any of these sound like "traditional marriage" to you? They don't to me, but if you are defining "traditional marriage" on the basis of gender like you are doing (which I don't), these are all considered "traditional marriage." So if Prop 8 is truly about "restoring traditional marriage" NOT related to homophobia or bigotry against those who are in same-gender relationships, why didn't it address OTHER pertinent issues around this idea of "traditional marriage?"

Besides, if Prop 8 supporters are honestly not being hateful against people in same-sex relationships - or rather, who are sexually diverse different from the social norm - do you think they would be happy with a transgender man and transgender woman getting married? I highly doubt it.

In my opinion, defining "marriage," especially "traditional marriage" by gender is fundamentally faulty. It is merely an excuse to hide the underlying homophobia/transphobia and hatred towards those who are different.

No one CHOOSES to be born autistic, Asian, or overwight, black, white, woman, man, or hearing impaired, or any of these things. No one CHOOSES (at least to the most part) to become an alcoholic, homeless, or abused either. Sexual and gender identities/experiences are just the same. So why OUR civil rights challenged on the basis of something so natural as the colors of our skins?

Yes, I hated the fact that some "No Prop 8" activists vandalized and took more violent means to get their point across. But why should the rest of us who are good, honest, respectful, conscious, peaceful be repremanded - stripped off of civil rigths - for their wrong doings? Why then, shouldn't straight people's civil rights be stripped off for the death of Matthew Shepard or Brandon Teena and thousands of others who were KILLED based on hate crime? "Eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" right? So please, spare me the beacause-you-did-this-you-deserve-it argument.

I had a dream, and now it is shattered. But I will continue to live a positive, honest, and peaceful life, and I will do what I can to change the ways of the world.

Yumi Aikawa

let us not go gentle into that good night. obama just changed history and overcame racial prejudice. we can do the same. we can change history and overcome homophobia.

FIRE IT UP! READY TO GO!

2008-11-04T11:54:00.001-08:00

i have been uneasy. anxious. all morning. then i saw this.

YES WE CAN. YES WE CAN.

LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD TODAY!!!

Self Blessing

2008-11-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

Amazing podcast by a founder of SF Zen Center.

SELF BLESSING

Where there’s music there is love, where there’s children there is joy, where there’s food there is laughter

2008-10-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend was one of the best ones I’ve had recently. After nights after nights of cough-interrupted restless sleep, I was finally able to have a full night of deep sleep on Friday, waking up to gorgeous California fall sunshine. Since I was about to run out of clean undies, I had designated the Saturday doing my laundry, and I was excited to find the day warm, crisp, and sunny for my line-drying. Alas, the water pipes in the main building (where the laundry machine is located) were being worked on, so seeing the machine covered with plastic tarp, I just assumed I couldn’t use it and decided to try out the Laundromat on Piedmont. So I stuffed my laundry bag and backpack, filled my pocket with quarters, and off I went to my neighborhood. Then I began to see peculiar things… a little monkey… a skeleton… a bumble bee… a wonder woman and a superman. A fall foliage fairy and a puppy dog. Unidentifiable monster, pirates, and Dracula… Then burly men in motorcycles swept in and started putting red cones to close off Piedmont… It was the Piedmont Halloween celebration! I had NO idea that such thing happened here, and I could not stop smiling. In between switching my laundry and running some errands, I just watched hoards of kids and parents all dressed up and jolly enjoying the neighborhood love and the immense sense of community. There were some really creative costumes too – ones that are hand-made, like oompa loompa mom and the baby. That was great. The parade part was lead by a little boy playing the bag-pipe, and he was absolutely adorable in his little red tartan quilt, white knee-high socks, and shiny brown loafers. And there were Mexican musicians playing on the street corner, with a woman dancing the folklorico with little ones, tapping her shoes on a wooden platform. Everyone was smiling and happy, and bobbing their heads to the music, and it was just so beautiful. All of it. The children, the music, the diversity, the open doors of the stores, the solidarity, the creativity, the sunshine. I was overcome with the warm feeling of being a part of a good community, and thankful that I am able to live in such an amazing place. For the simple fact that I was able to witness an abundance of love and joy just around the corner from my home, I am grateful.

Speaking of the sense of community, I attended the pumpkin carving potluck at Amanda’s on Sunday night. It was fabulous. First of all, food that convened was absolutely phenomenal. Second of all, the people who convened were even more phenomenal. Evening was filled with fun stories and laughter, and I enjoyed every moment, every conversation, every smile, every bite, immensely.

So the food. Man, I LOVE FOOD. I love GOOD food. I love socially conscious, health conscious, homemade food. There was Amanda’s hearty pumpkin curry soup, impromptu salad with beets and corn topped with Amanda’s Dijon mustard dressing. There was Lil’s black rice salad and coleslaw. And my experimental baked polenta with autumnally seasoned apple and butternut squash, which I was secretly worried about but contrary to my worry turned out wonderful. I think everyone enjoyed all of the food - once again, there was the abundance of happiness – it was lovely. And you know, I love sharing food with people. It builds community as it did last night. I made new friends, shared stories, and laughed together. This is the “healthy food” I believe in. Food for the body, heart, and the soul. Then the pumpkin carving. We cleared the kitchen counter and with knives we went, jolly from delicious food, drinks and good company – funny faces and monster faces, abstract shapes… imagination and creativity took over the kitchen. More laughing and hugging and singing. Then we lined all of our creatures on the ledge of the porch, lit each one of them, and went down to the street and admired how amazing they(and by default, we) all were in the cool starry evening of Berkeley. We turned the attention of anyone who walked/biked by to our lit pumpkins, and laughed even more. The evening was closed with Lara’s warm rum raisin pumpkin bread. Hmmmm hmmmm hmmmm. Scrumptuous. I had such an amazing time, and I’m still shaking from the happiness. I haven’t felt like this in weeks. May be months. May be years… I love my friends. I am grateful for them. As we parted, we decided this needed to happen more often. I think we’re going to try to start Sunday night potluck. I hope it happens. I will make sure it happens.

my fault!?

2008-10-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

Isn't this hilarious!? You can go to http://www.cnnbcvideo.com/index.html?nid=czfKIYMsyP9BADV.gYFchzMwNzExNjg-&referred_by=9375820-SnueXvx to make one of your own!

discovering wabi-sabi

2008-10-22T15:53:00.000-07:00

I figured out today (in my attempt to take little breaks between my monotonous project at work) that my obsession with imperfection is intimately tied to the concept of impermanence. I always found earthy, asymmetric, obviously hand-made style of art and craft strikingly beautiful, as well as untouched allure of people in an ordinary light with all of their quirky, endearing glitches.
It has been sometime since I realized that I was on the path to find (or create) peace in my mind, in my heart, in my soul, and in my life with a hope that it will somehow transcend to the rest of the world. I’ve gained a better understanding of the concept of impermanence in the process (elicited by Pratt’s “anicca” tattoo with which I was fascinated), and here I am again trying to come to terms with my decision to let myself live moment to moment; to be fine and grounded with the unknowns in my life, with a complete absence of expectations, with being open to all possibilities, and thus being able to indulge in the joy of what’s in my hand at this very moment.

And in my search for deeper understanding of this basic Buddhist paradigm, I came across this article on Wikipedia that resonated greatly with a sense I get when I discover work of art or music or a lover that REALLY shakes me:

“Wabi-sabi” represents a comprehensive Japanese world view or aesthetic centered on the acceptance of transience. The phrase comes from the two words wabi and sabi. The aesthetic is sometimes described as one of beauty that is "imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete" (according to Leonard Koren in his book Wabi-Sabi: for Artists, Designers, Poets and Philosophers). It is a concept derived from the Buddhist assertion of the Three marks of existence, specifically impermanence. Characteristics of the wabi-sabi aesthetic include asymmetry, asperity, simplicity, modesty, intimacy, and suggest a natural process.

The article goes on to describe the sensation that one may experience when encountering such art work:

"if an object or expression can bring about, within us, a sense of serene melancholy and a spiritual longing, then that object could be said to be wabi-sabi"……"It (wabi-sabi) nurtures all that is authentic by acknowledging three simple realities: nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect."

And finally, what each part of the word means, and how it relates to the human emotion or philosophy in the context of Buddhism:

Wabi now connotes rustic simplicity, freshness or quietness, and can be applied to both natural and human-made objects, or understated elegance. It can also refer to quirks and anomalies arising from the process of construction, which add uniqueness and elegance to the object. Sabi is beauty or serenity that comes with age, when the life of the object and its impermanence are evidenced in its patina and wear, or in any visible repairs.

Wabi and sabi both suggest sentiments of desolation and solitude. In the Mahayana Buddhist view of the universe, these may be viewed as positive characteristics, representing liberation from a material world and transcendence to a simpler life. Mahayana philosophy itself, however, warns that genuine understanding cannot be achieved through words or language, so accepting wabi-sabi on nonverbal terms may be the most appropriate approach.

It is wonderful to know that I am born into a culture that has a term to describe this beautifully, delightfully “melancholic” sentimentality, and that it has its karmic connection with the concept of impermanence. I actually just ordered the book that’s mentioned in the article. I’m so into it. Ha.

all the wine and slow show

2008-10-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

all the wine

i'm put together beautifully
big wet bottle in my fist, big wet rose in my teeth
i'm perfect piece of ass
like every californian
so tall I take over the street, with highbeams shining on my back
a wingspan unbelievable
i'm a festival, i'm a parade

and all the wine is all for me

i carry the dollhouse, safe on my shoulders
through the black city, night lights are on in the corners
and everyone's sleeping upstairs
all safe and sound, i won't the let psychos around

i'm in a state, i'm in a state
nothing can touch us my love

-----------------------------------------------------------------

slow show

standing at the punch table swallowing punch
can’t pay attention to the sound of anyone
a little more stupid, a little more scared
every minute more unprepared

i made a mistake in my life today
everything i love gets lost in drawers
i want to start over, i want to be winning
way out of sync from the beginning

i wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god i’m very, very frightening
i’ll overdo it

looking for somewhere to stand and stay
i leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away
can i get a minute of not being nervous
and not thinking of my dick
my leg is sparkles, my leg is pins
i better get my shit together, better gather my shit in
you could drive a car through my head in five minutes
from one side of it to the other

i wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god i’m very, very frightening
i’ll overdo it

you know i dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years before i saw you
you know i dreamed about you
i missed you for
for twenty-nine years

- THE NATIONAL

ignited

2008-10-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

september has always been a heavy burden, especially on my heart. this year too, the month has left another scar on my heart. nonetheless, october began with lovely encounters with my musician friends - coyote grace & edie carey - who performed at dolores park cafe two fridays back-to-back. i made friends with a guy named todd who works at the cafe. he likes my frye boots and he thinks i'm cute.

i also finally have a job with a small non-profit organization called Institute for Medical Quality (IMQ i mentioned in the previous post...!), a subsidiary of California Medical Association. i am a Cultural & Linguistic Competency Program Coordinator, meaning i put together resources and execute outreach projects to make sure that health care facilities and providers are aware and practicing culturally and liguistically sensitive/appropriate care for their patients. in some cases it's purely for the purpose of compliance with hospital accreditation standards, and in other cases it's for crediting physicians for continuing medical education (CME). but our focus now is to encourage health care system at large to recognize and practice culturally sensitive care for all people; immigrants, sexual & gender minorities, elderly, women, incarcerated folks...
it is a meaningful work with multitude of learning opportunities. I am ignited and ready.

i've also been blessed to have gotten to know diva, a berkeley based artist. she has her own line of stationaries and other items called Linea Carta, which is being sold all over the world. i love her antique-inspired, subtle, simple designs, and her beautiful calligraphy work. she does a lot of commissioned work for wedding invitations, personalized stationaries, etc. as well. if you're interested on learning more about her work, follow the link above (Linea Carta) and if you like to purchase something, follow the link further onto her Etsy site.

slowdown melody.

2008-09-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

i got carried away once again, this time by the mystery of the dark and i realized that i need to go back to the safe place. so i took myself to embarcadero yesterday to catch a film battle in seattle, a story about the anti-WTO protest in seattle that took place back in 1999. it's only playing in select theaters, but i found out about it from blaine, a girl i met at amnesia bluegrass night a while back, who works for and works with global exchange and code pink. clearly, she forgot to tell me that the movie is also playing in berkeley since i travelled all the way to san francisco for it... but it was nice to take a walk in the sun from my home to the bart station, listening to old favorites on my ipod, taking a step back from all that have been taking over my heart.

the movie turned out to be fantastic. the corny romance part aside, the filmmakers did a fabulous job creating the visual experience that was so real and raw, with clips of actual riots meshed into the sequences of the fictional scenes. it also provided various perspectives of the effort that was trying to fight the tyranny that is WTO, which i appreciated: the unlawful move made by the anarchists, the physician representing doctors without boarders trying to make the case about inhumane pharmaceutical commerce, the delegates from developing nations, cops just doing their job but who begin to realize the irony of it all, and of course, the grassroots activists of all sorts - environmentalists, fair trade folks, labor unions... it was inspiring and exactly what i needed. i almost lost it a few times because it spoke to me so deeply, but i held back. i was just reminded, that i can't give up now. i do want to be a part of this. i want to be standing behind the doc talking about putting "humans before profits" and bring medicines and healthcare to places and people who have been robbed of human rights by the WTO and other socially unjust systems. whatever the context it may be, i know i want to leave this world better than i found it when it's time for me to go.

this visit to the movie proved to be the right thing for me to do today, because not only was i able to gain motivation, but while i was in the theater blaine called me unexpectedly and wanted to know if i "happen to be in the city" and if i wanted to go to folsom street fair. naturally i made plans with her right away, and checked out the happy naked people with harnesses and whips. i followed blaine home for a supper, and had a yet serendipitous conversation - she has been struggling with the same thing: trying to find her space in the career path which seemed clear in the past, now tainted with her passion for activism. she studied biology in college like me, and thought she was going to go to medical school without any doubts. but life took a turn and she ended up spending 5 years abroad, working as an outdoor guide and slowly getting involved with social justice activism. i always thought she has been an activist from the little i have seen since i've known her, but such was not the case. it turned out to be her new passion, something she absolutely loves doing, but not necessary wants to/able to do for living. it was nice to hear her struggles, becaue i'm there. similarly, i am so driven by music and art, yet i have nothing to prove to myself that those things are going to let me live a fulfilling life. i even have a graduate degree in health. i guess the hardest part of it all, as blaine said, is that she and i are both kind of "fresh-out-of-college" despite our age and maturity, she because she was out of this country, and me because i went back to school to change the original career path (infectious diseases research), we have no career or something to show for ourselves. this was a needed conversation for me, and it was nice to have someone to listen to me who knew what is going on in my head and in my heart. i hope she felt the same way too. i took the bus before it was too late from bernal heights to the mission, then bart, thinking and rethinking and letting everything sink in. it was a beatiful night.

**********************************

so i had a plan to create something delicious, something new, using chard i bought the other day. but since i ended up eating blaine's home cooked meal lastnight, i baked my chard cheese pie today when i returned from a second interview with IMQ. i'm eating it as i write this and it actually turned out to be delicious! i'm happy to had found another way to enjoy chard other than to just saute in a pan. i put nick drake on my stereo, since someone recently mentioned him somewhere and i was reminded of him. his music is resonating with me a lot right now. i'm slowing down to the safe place.

GO SEE BATTLE IN SEATTLE TODAY!!!!
http://www.battleinseattlemovie.com/

the (non)efficacy of the affair

2008-09-25T22:33:00.000-07:00

i am summer born. there exists an unexplainable gravity towards those who are born in the cold months. the mystery of the darkness reflected upon their timid small movements, the scared and studying looks, the tightly closed door to keep away the fatal chills, are somehow beautiful in my sun-filled eyes. though the nature has its laws: those who dare to go forth naked and unprotected in such severe condition are doomed to freeze to death. perhaps there is a sense of euphoria, right before the life is sucked out of you by the cold, but the frostbite comes slowly, and takes bits and pieces of flesh at a time, limb by limb, whilst stealing each beat of the heart.

the sun is too high and too strong in my mind, and becomes a reason to falsely believe that there is warmth to be found in the dead of the winter, or that somehow the heat of my being, the warmth i can provide can magically thaw out the bitter frozen world of the winter and the early spring. but my bare skin and dilated pupils are not suited for those icy nights, and i get lost, frozen, hurt, defeated. summer also seems to last forever, and i tend to forget that the cold wins out at the end. and things that are warm; the things of flesh and blood, are most easily frozen and shattered into million pieces.

loving is a dangerous thing. perhaps frida knew this. she is a summer born three days apart from my own. diego is winter born. in the middle of the winter. the summer's passion comes with a high price-tag of suffering. or does suffering come with the passion for winter that is inevitably so intoxicating? i dedicate this contemplation for all summer borns who blindly, ceaselessly, dive into the frozen abyss of winter - and early spring - hearts.

"let sorrowful longing dwell in your heart. never give up, never lose hope. allah says, 'the broken ones are my beloved.' crush your heart. be broken."
- shaikh abu saeed abil kheir, aka nobody, son of nobody, excerpted from three cups of tea

darkness. dilates. overlap. fall. violently. soleil.

2008-09-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

i'm a lonely painter i live in a box of paints. no, no i can't be trusted driving out here alone with these thoughts 'cause my brakes are busted and the engine's shot. the heat serves to keep you soft so i can mold you and you won't crack but i don't know how to turn this thing off and i don't think i can take it back. life used to be life-like and now it's more like showbiz i wake up in the darkness and i don't have the will anymore to wonder. you come like seasons, shadowing my dreams. talking shit about a pretty sunset blanketing opinions that i'll probably regret soon. i've changed my mind so much i can't even trust it my mind changed me so much i can't even trust myself. i care less and less what people think i just want you to live up to the image of you i created i see you and i'm so unsatisfied i see you and i dialte. to call for hands of above to lean on wouldn't be good enough for me, no. i move in minor chords and fight this happiness. love hit me blind side, though i was right, never to risk my insight. i search your profile for a translation, i study the conversation like a map 'cause i know there is strength in the differences between us and i know there is comfort where we overlap.

like any hot-blooded woman i have simply wanted an object to crave. your breath a new addiction in my veins and i, struggle in my mind. i could lose myself here easily and that scares me. i could drink a case of you. when i say you sucked my brain out the english translation is i am in love with you and it is no fun but i don't use words like love 'cuz words like that don't matter but don't look so offended you know, you should be flattered. may be it's not you that i need may be just your picture is enough, may be you're as mine as you're ever going to be and may be that's all i need of love. i build each one of my days out of hope and i give that hope your name and i don't know you that well but it don't take much to tell. either you don't have the balls or you don't feel the same.

what you say? that you only meant well? well, of course you did. what you say? that it's all for the best? ah of course it is. what you say? that it's just what we need? ransom notes keep falling out your mouth. speak no feeling, no i don't believe you. you left a lovestain on my heart and you left a bloodstain on the ground. can't take my eyes off of you. can't take my mind off of you. we negociate with chaos for some sense of satisfaction. if you won't give it to me at least give me a better view.

what would you say to her in the second of silence when the choir hold its breath - how long do they hold this note...? trust you trust you not, wants you wants you not, forget you forget you not, needs you needs you not, trust you trust you not forget you forget you not wants you wants you not love you love you not...

you're in my blood like holy wine i could drink a case of you and i'd still be on my feet. the difference between you and me baby, is i get fucked up when i'm alone. dark and dangerous like a secret that gets whispered in a hush. you are shadowing my dreams.

(ani difranco, damien rice, indigo girls, jose gonzalez, imogen heap, alanis morissette, meg hutchinson, andy stochansky, modest mouse, edie carey, joni mitchell)

learning how to learn

2008-09-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

i'm horrible at remembering facts (unless they have personal meanings to me). so i make up mneumonics. here are my current ones, trying to memorize 20 basic amino acids for my biochem class. feel free to pass them on to others who may be studying the same thing. sorry, you have to memorize the structures of R groups separately...!

aromatic R: "smelly are poop(phenylalanine) toot(tyrosine) toot(tryptophan)"

nonpolar-alipathic R: "gender queer bi is gay(glycine) pretty(proline) val(valine), lesbian(leucine) is(isoleucine) me(methionine)"

negatively charged R: "acidic ass(aspartate)-glue(glutamate)"

positively charged R: "basically, lying(lysine) and arguing(arginine) makes hysteria (histidine)"

polar, uncharged R: "polar bear is serious(srine) there's(threonine) cyst(cysteine) in ass(asparagine) and glute(glutamine)"

v-monologue author speaks out

2008-09-11T15:09:00.001-07:00

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, wrote the following about Sarah Palin.

------------------------------------------------------------

Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

kael t block & xxboys

2008-09-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

i just found this young french photographer named kael t block, and i fell in love with his work instantly. he has a whole series of trans guys, and they are AWESOME. i particularly like his self portraits. i can't believe he had a show at lexington club early this summer! i really want to purchase his work but i don't know if they are available... much less in the us...

carrot mob - consumer power

2008-09-04T13:51:00.001-07:00

think globally, act locally. help bring carrot mob project to your neighborhood: www.carrotmob.org

talking about love's like dancing about architecture

2008-09-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

i feel like i've written something with that title before. i hope it's not on my blog. i first heard it years ago when i watched a movie (kinda cheesy, kinda corny, kinda loved it...) called playing by heart. now that i've done my quota of broken hearts and breaking hearts, and spend a lot of time actually thinking about what's going to come next, the flavor of the metaphor is sinking deep into my gut.

i am surrounded by love these days... even though there is an immediate lack there of. i say it with a bittersweet sentimentality, not with cynicism, although i do feel a bit melancholic. anyway, there was a birth of a beautiful baby to my dear jenn, ibk found a lovely girl to love and to be loved, my adoring gay boys are finally tying the knot while going ahead with an agency to begin foster-to-adopt program, and i learned that internet may perhaps become an integral part of courtship in this day and age. typically, i kind of despise the whole facebook culture. i used to be on it, and my life became miserable for so many different reasons. but i found out that one of my friends met her gorgeous gentleman through "missed connection" on craig's list. she said that she sat across from him on bart and they exchanged smiles, and she just couldn't forget about him so she went to post him on the missed connection, and voila, he beat her to it. the rest is history... so i recently began my quest of the cyber-village of bachelorette-dom. in the begining, not so much. but now, i'm meeting few people, and i'm making friends. i'd say it's a fantastic start. i guess in a way, talking about love has become really dancing - more like cirque de soleil-ing - about architecture. it is now further complicated by the immensity and the mystery of cyberspace. it is going to take some serious technique, luck, artistry, imagination, and choreography to do it right.

speaking of love, i spent past 2 days in a zone, working on music. first i wrote the song that's shown just below this post. the tune has a kind of feist-jose gonzalez feel to it, and i like it. i wanted to move beyond my comfortable sets of chords. i need to practice practice practice. then i stole rik's keyboard and arranged "uninvited" by alanis for rapid transit. ever since i heard BC bostonians sing that song back in early 2000 (i was utterly blown away when i heard it the first time), i've been wanting to arrange it, and do it for a co-ed group. now is my chance. since it's not on the current to-sing list, i'm not sure it's ever going to get used, but i think it turned out pretty awesome. i pray that we get to sing it.

the rest of my labor day weekend was spent beautifully, indigo girls concert and lots of queers, hanging out with colm at radio, bbq with my neighbors and their bohemian friends, drunk darting in the backyard, and another bbq at lake temescal meeting and playing with new friends and going swimming in the sunset with amanda, rachel, and of course, danger the rambunctious pup. life is beautiful.

newest song

2008-08-31T12:16:00.000-07:00

Trying to forget, trying to remember

CHORUS
Trying to forget the words that fell out of your mouth
Trying to remember the way you walked away into the night
Trying to forget and trying to remember
So that I can save myself

Got a little cynical since I left
I think when you fight alone
Your wings get just a little more weathered
I watch kids with sleeved tattoos
Riding their bikes in their skinny jeans
With something like envy
And something like melancholy
Wondering if your kiss would taste like that

Time is moving faster than I want
I said I’ll stop this nonsense
But nonsense sometimes can have some sense I guess
Or it could be that I just like how it feels
When you reach to catch something
Even thought there’s really nothing
It gives me the high I need
Because the bed is still a lonely place

CHORUS

Where will you be when it all end
Will the fog roll away from the signs
So that I can find my heart I left
In the velveteen night of San Francisco
I laugh extra loud these days
When there is nothing funny about anything
Just to pretend to be a grownup
Just to ignore what you might say to me

I hear my neighbor’s steel guitar
A bittersweet blues like the sunset air
It’s so easy to let my mind fall away
But it’s not so easy to let my feelings go
Something always burns a hole in my hand
When I walk the neon lit streets
When you look at me through your sunglasses
I wish I could shake it all forever

CHORUS

oasis

2008-08-26T23:31:00.001-07:00

at least i can take a break from the everyday reality and rejuvenize my commitment to peace and social justice. i am STOKED about these.

8/30 - 9/1: oakland art & soul festival (featuring the indigo girls)

9/6: power to the peaceful free concert (featuring michael franti & spearhead)

"all the freaky people make the beauty of the world... stay human." - michael franti

treasure hunting

2008-08-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

i am serious there are no jobs for me to apply anymore, because i applied to all of them! wtf.

anyway, i recently paid a visit to urban ore, an apocalyptic artist's heaven that is the junk yard of the waste-free east bay. i was looking for a scrap wood to make a birthday present, and i had very particular image of the type of scrap wood i wanted, and of course, i found exactly what i was looking for. this place, is literally a treasure pile. more you look, more you find. here is a set of photos taken by an artist at the urban ore --> click me (if you're the artist, rock on! LOVE your photos!!). i hope you can see that this is an inspiring place. get your creative helmet on, and go check it out.

as the thin line gets thinner

2008-08-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

so, i knew whole-heartedly, especially at this age, that transitions are hard, and getting older is hard. but i just didn't know to what degree, and i hate myself for being envious of other people's lives. i can't help but notice that good things happen to people after some period of hardship. they are given opportunities to move forward in their lives. whether it is about schools, careers, relationships, or whatever, those i have seen shed tears are now smiling. i am, and have been for quite some time, trying so hard to hang on to the thin line, making light out of things, and keeping my chin up. despite my effort, i am left with psychological moving forward, perhaps, without absolutely no progress - i may even see it as a degress - in the actual life i am leading.

a couple of weeks ago, i received a devastating phone call from my mother explaining to me the latest on my father's health. i was told a few days back that he seemed to have caught a cold that he couldn't shake. it turns out, he had pneumonia and he was immediately admitted to the intensive care. because he wasn't feeling well and was not able to eat, his SIADH/hyponatremia got worse, and so he became dellusional like he used to get with his previous hyponatremic attacks, but this time things were worse. he was ripping out his IV out of his arms, roaming in the hospital screaming about nonsense... they had to restrain him and was officially diagnosed with dementia few days after. this meant that he is not going to be able to come home, and that was heart-breaking to hear.

he was moved to the psyche ward a couple of days later, and it seemed like that was the best thing that could have happened to him. i guess being moved to a place where caregivers know how to care for and work with older people with mental altrations helped my father calmed down a lot. apparently he remembers things little bit better and he even smiles sometimes, even though he still tries to roam at night in delirium. the doctor told my mother that even though he will not cognitively recover completely, and thus will not be able to come home, and his pneumonia probably won't clear (because he didn't get enough consistent dose of antibiotics due to his taking IV out and spitting out any oral antibiotics), he will probably stay relatively calm and sane, and can come home when i'm home for a break so that someone physically fit like me can care for him and restrain him if there would be any emergency.

all of this is still hard to accpet, but i am just happy to know that there is a chance that i can see him at home few more times. my mom also said most things he says make sense, unlike the way he was when he was really sick. the doc said that they are going to wait until his mind opens up a little more and run a full exam to test for altzheimer's. that will determine the rate at which the brain tissue atrophy will take place (i.e. how long he will be able to function/survive).

my mother and i are both feeling much less grieved, and hopeful. afterall, he has lived a pretty good life for 81-and-some years. aging is something we are all destined to face, and i need to stay strong and just recognize the magic of life in it.

so all of this hit me while i was on sixtie-somethingth cover letter, fourth interview, a number of rejection emails and letters that all begin the same way: "we regret to inform you...", and trying not to feel guilty for being so faraway from home, not able to help my mother care for my father and take care of family business. at the same time, my landlord from providence finally responded about returning my deposit and extra check i had mistakenly given him. he appologized and told me that he is in a financial mess because one of his properties went to foreclosures. i could not believe his words. it's not a small sum of money he owes me and i need it, and i deserve it. i have no prospect at this point of getting that money back anytime soon. then today, i get an email from an adminitrative staff at my department at brown asking me for my updated contact information, because my thesis advisor wants to use my thesis to publish a paper and wants me to be a co-author. yet again, i got used. when i offered myself to be a co-author, she was the one who said "oh you be the first author - i have a plenty of publications..." i am reluctant to respond to the email although a co-authored paper is better than nothing. but my integrity and pride are hurt, and i don't know if i want to put myself up for getting hurt again.

i am trying to keep peace in all of this, just by thinking that in my past life i must have done something terrible for which i am destined to make-up. all i can do is to give myself to this karma, and help others in need with a hope that forgiveness may come to my life.

antimatter by alison

2008-08-04T18:19:00.000-07:00

so my wonderful neighbors. the culprit of the work-force that unloaded my x-country car under 10 minutes are rick and alison, who are also the artists-in-residence of 14-22 yosemite avenue. i heard so much about alison's work, but i actually got to see one of her art in making recently, and also the final product. i was utterly impressed. she has an online shop, so you should check it out if you enjoy sweat-shop-free, creative, urban, totally innovative products!

ANTIMATTER rocks my world.

keepin' it together by livin' it up

2008-08-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

the job hunting has been little bit on a rough side... still can't find anything, and i refuse to go back to the lab. life back in cali has been wonderful. i feel well supported despite occasional surge of solitude. i try not to think too deeply about things that are out of my control, like my dad's health, which i will discuss in another post. so i do my best to keep it together by filling my lazy days with occasions, like monday evening outing with amanda to amnesia where there's live bluegrass. wednesday nights i often join rod and chris at albatross playing darts (i'm getting really into it - thanks to rod). when i'm in the mood i go on a long run at redwood regional park in oakland hills. i've also gone to stinson beach with cherry who was visiting from the east coast, and i go to oakland A's game when i have a chance. there were street cinema with drums and dancing and free popcorn in the neighborhood of temescal which is just few blocks away sponsored by oaklandish, a wonderful urban-arts organization. tonight, i saw po'girl at freight and salvage. the heirloom tomato seeds i planted have sprouted (yay), and i'm waiting for cuke, pepper, lemon, rosmary, and string beans to come out. all in all, unemployment isn't too bad, i suppose... livin' it up baby.

the road lead west

2008-07-08T16:21:00.001-07:00

making amends:
so when i was planning my departure from the east coast, i knew that i had to ceremoniously or ritualistically leave the last stage of my life. i don't know why i felt this way, or if it was based on any sort of a valid foundation. all i knew was that i felt like i was molting into a wiser being, a more mature version of me somehow different from the way i was say a year ago. perhaps this is what people call a "turnig point" or "awakening" or may be even a mini nirvana. everything just seems different, and the way i react to everything is different. so naturally i had this urge to bring closures to untended friendships and relationships, especially those that caused some significant levels of emotional investment in the past. so i travelled up to vermont, down through mass, and then through connecticut, literally placing periods - or at least commas - in our outdated relationships.

in connecticut, on the grounds of a prestigeous (and pretentious) prep school so reminiscent of my own past, i reconnected with someone i dored a long long long time ago, twhom i had not seen in more than a decade. it was less dramatic than i thought, and it was nice to see her and her family - a wonderful husband and three beautiful children - and i felt peace within the moment. we chatted about what's happening in our lives, and how things were, who we still talk to, and who we don't. she was one of more serious crushes i had growing up, and i had always glorified her. now, i saw her in the same light as i see myself. she was less of a saint than i made her out to be, and it's a good thing. i wish her and her family the best. i hope to see her again sometime.

for you, a thousand times over:
i was lucky enough to attend jenn's baby shower. it was on a saturday but i drove up to new hampshire on friday afternoon so that i could have a quality time with her before her guests arrived. besides, she was locked up in her room most of the time because her sister (the most amazing pastry chef who can make cakes out of anything) who was the sole organizer of the event would not let her see anything she was cooking or making. jenn was beautiful with her bulging belly, and looked well and happy. i was a bit worried because the father of the baby was not very nice and i knew things were rough. i was happy to find out that he was out of their lives and she is now a confident single mom who is going to do a fantastic job no matter what awaits for her in the future. i also got to see sarah, jenn's friend whom i had not seen since college. she has become a wonderful nurse caring for the developmentally challanged, and her smiles were brighter than ever. such wonderful people in my life that i hadn't seen. sarah's dreads made me to dream. her eyes made me to hope.

even though the weekend was supposed to be for jenn, because she is the most generous, thoughtful person in the whole world, she got both sarah and i graduation presents, and a beautiful card with Mother Theresa's words:

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

i was overcome with emotions when i opened the card for so many reasons. made me think of a girl with blue eyes who adored this quote as much as i did. it was serendipitous, and it was why i will be there for jenn forever.

the actual babyshower was sort of a whirlwind. jenn has such a HUGE family! the whole world and their mothers showed up. sarah and i kept each other company and watched jenn get burried in a pile of gifts and presents of all kinds. the best though, was her sister's baby blanket, a plethora of animals hand-stitched onto it with so much care and love. it brought tears to jenn's eyes and the eyes of many of us. i am so glad to whitness that jenn and baby-o will have a stable, consistent, and devoted family who will support them through the hard mements of the new life.

on the road, i read kite runner on book on CD in two days (which, by the way, because one of my favorite books of all times). as hassan said to amir "for you, a thousand times over" i thought of jenn.

regaining faith:
even though i had done x-country driving twice already, this third attempt was a different experience, because i was driving my own car, on my own, using intersate 80 most of the way. in the past, i always had companions, and we took time visiting all the beautiful spots of this great nation, taking interstate 90 the majority of the time, which run north of 80. it would be a lie to say that i was not afraid of the middle america, with my short cropped hair, dark skin, slanted eyes, hairy legs, and an equality sticker in the back window. because most vicious kinds of hate crimes in these parts always get highlighted in the media, my brain automatically put me in the defense mode. i was especially scared of iowa, nebraska, and wyoming. however, those were states with some of the kindest people i crossed paths with on this trip. i realized that people are generally good and kind. they mostly have an open heart. this drive made me regain faith in humanity. it was a good feeling.

along the way, i also saw a couple of friends whom i hadn't seen in a while, one being gem, whose relationship between us required some mending. last time i saw her, i sort of purged my fear from the past - the haunting ghost - on her without giving her much of anything else. she had been on my mind (partly because we did make a promise years ago that when both of us are 26 and single, we'd get married), and i knew that my drive through michigan was my chance to make things right, even though that meant going off of my x-country route for few miles. it was a right decision. no doubt. we had a great time, and i hope she can see us in a better light, because certainly i do. we said we should revise our promise to being 35. i can't wait for her to visit me in cali.

the best welcome:
the goal was to make it in 6 days. by the end of the 5th day, i was hitting reno around 5pm and i was just going to settle there for the night. but my heart was so eager to get to my new pad and sleep in my own sheets, so i decided to push myself and make it to oakland. again, it was the right thing to do, because i received the warmest welcome i have ever gotten in my life, from complete strangers who were to become my new neighbors.

i rolled up to my apartment, rather exhausted and achy from hours of driving, and i noticed that the neighbors were having a bbq in the back yard. i didn't think much of it, so i started unloading the jumbled up mess of my belongings out of the car. i kept having to walk by people who were coming and going from the bbq, and felt a little awkward, so i decided to go find at least the people who actually live in my building. so i went, and said "hey there, which of you actually live here...?" then the whole crowd goes "yumi!" hands in the air, and a few of them enthusiastically get up to shake my hand. "we were wondering when you're gonna get here!" they said, and told me that they loved morgan (who was subletting from me) and that they heard so much about me and were waiting for my arrival. then they offered to help me unload, and despite my polite refusal they all got up, little tipsy from the sun and beer, laughing and humming, and unloaded my car in litereally 5 minutes. i was so touched, and convinced that i did the right thing. moving back to california. this sense of community, the utter generosity that is so naturally abundant, is what i missed the most on the streets of providence. after the car was empty, they wanted me to join in on the celebration, so i ran to 7-11 to grab a case of beer, and joined them by the fire. the grille kep going, the guitars came out, buckets and shakers too, and we jammed into the night. such joy. such contentment. i am back. to the place where i am meant to be.

a totem animal

2008-06-17T16:44:00.000-07:00

i decided recently, that a rabbit carries a magical sign with it when it appears in my presence. it is a serendipitous animal, a sacred totem animal that guides me. and so this has officially became my third tattoo i want (i don't have any, but i have always had plans for two: one being my japanese family seal, and second being dharmachakra, the buddhist wheel showing the eight ways to enlightenment). i saw a bunny hop across the scenery outside the window while dining at friends house in p-town and told gracey how whenever i see a rabbit (sometimes in the most random place, like in downtown silver spring, and in the brown atheletic field), i am always reminded that perhaps i am in a right place at a right time for a right reason, and she suggested i get a tattoo with a line from alice in the wonderland: "follow the rabbit". and i conqured.

“p” places

2008-06-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

i seem to have some kind of prophetic connections with places that starts with a letter "p." one of my favorite p places in the world is provincetown, ma. it is one of the gayest place on earth, but what i love the most is the juxtaposition of new york city tight-armani-jeans gay couples with salty cape cod fishermen with crusty beard, face wrinkly and dark with too much sun and a family history of hardship. there is nothing like it anywhere else. so ever since my buddy from high school ribby told me stories of his boyhood summers on a sailboat, i've desperately wanted to learn how to sail. to realize this dream i took myself out to p-town, pitched a tent at dune’s edge, and decided to take lessons at flyer's to satisfy my yearning. three days of two-hour lessons, one-on-one with an instructor out to the cool water of the outer cape.

despite the typical notion that the northeast coastline has notoriously rainy june, i had four full days of ample sunshine and breeze just perfect for sailing. my instructor is a young lad from Boston suburb, in between schools bound for boulder, co at the end of the season to join his brother and perhaps finish schooling. he was very down-to-earth and patient, answering all of my annoying questions and helping me learn basic techniques. i'm still weak on all the terms... but at least i am fully confident with figuring out the wind direction (i.e. upwind vs. downwind), getting luff out of the sail, and what to do with the main sail when tacking. steering can still be tricky for me sometimes. i still need some serious jibing practices. i also got to work with the jib when a pin from the boom snapped off and our main sail was down. that was kind of exciting. then a lot of mooring practices. that was also difficult. i always either underestimate or overestimate my speed and couldn't get my boat to go head-on into the buoy.

i loved learning about the wind and being intuitive yet experimental. i loved tasting salt on my lips and slight tenderness on my skin fron the sun. my hands were cut up from working with the robes and lines, and my butt hurt, but all of it was worth it when my boat picked up speed and started to heel. SO cool. i really hope to continue sailing. perhaps join berkeley marina and be out in san francisco bay with few friend who will also appreciate such adventure.

each day after my sailing lesson, i biked to my favorite beach in the whole wide world, the herring cove beach. luckily it was still pre-season so i didn't have to pay to get in or buy the season sticker (it's part of a national seashore). the second day was warm enough for me to swim, so i dove into water a few times. the water was certainly still frigid, but it was clear and free of seaweed (the water and the beach gets littered with seaweed as the season moves forward into the height of the summer). i noticed a major coastal erosion where the concrete driveway to the east part of the beach was completely emersed in the sand all broken up. i found out later that last winter storms were such that caused all that damage. i wondered if it had something to do with global climate change. anywho, the beach was also still free of tourists and annoying lesbians trying to show off their six-packs or their lovely wives, so i was happy to curl up on my grass matt claiming my space and my time away from daily hustle-and-bustle and social norms and expectations. BUT, note to self as i discovered later - at least make sure your sunscrean is slathered evenly because i ended up with nice hand shaped tan-lines of various sorts on my back.

in the evenings, i was lucky enough to be invited to all family events with my long-term friend from smith gracey and her partner monica (a real cop, btw). mon's dad and his wife were in town pretty much the same length i was, so naturally they invited me along with everything they decided to do in the evenings. since he and monica lived in okinawa, japan while back when he used to serve, they both kept saying things in japanese and it was just hilarious how similar they were. i mean, i have known mon for a while, and i always enjoyed how goofy and fun she is, but i never knew where it really came from. it was both nature and nurture! i also made friends with a couple of folks who used to work with monica on the ambulance, and i got to catch up with mandy who i had not seen since she got married and moved to canada. it was very nice to see all of them. AND last but not least, i finally got to ride in the back of mon's red-hot harley davidson. we got invited to dinner at the ambulance friends' house, and since monica's dad brought his bike (this is what i'm saying - they ARE the same people. they even look identical), we decided to ride. it was AWESOME. i has been a long time since i rode anything like this (a little moped in thailand DO NOT COUNT!!), and just the power of it all was so cool. despite the noise pollution and god-forbid the gas cost, i would love to own one someday. even if my mother threatens to kill me before it does.

last evening was spent at front street, the BEST restaurant in town. you all know how much i love food and how critical i can be. well this place gets 5 big golden stars from me. from service to menue to every piece and drop of food on the plate are just scrumtuous and extraordinary.

my vacation in p-town 2008 was truly relaxing, fun, and delicious. i will miss this place and the people in it. but i'm sure i will be back sometime soon.

major catching up

2008-06-15T16:40:00.001-07:00

so yes. you know shit's been happening when i don't write in my blog. a lot has happened since the st.germain night. to make the long story short, life fell apart even further, and i ended up getting gastritis and i was pretty depressed. i was at the point where anything could set me off and i would just sob for hours at a time. it was mostly because my thesis advisor somehow proceeded to assasinate my character and destroyed my integrity. this was even more painful because the way i was being treated was obvious even to the people with whom i confided, even though none of us could figure out the reason why. i won't go into detail because i don't mean to demean her and what is important is that i did receive my much anticipated master of public health degree, and i aced my classes, absolutely loved the seminars i took this past semester, and that mcat was taken, and i am on my way out to sunny california. one thing i did realize, though, is the fact that i am utterly sick of academics whose vision has been confined into a narrow box of a space, who are simply incapable of facilitating constructive communication and who are blind to human emotions. it is good that i am taking some time off before going back to school for the long haul. i also hope to be outside of academic research setting while i do that.

at any rate, june was welcomed with lots of packing and visiting important people and beautiful places in my life that are on this coast. first weekend I took the train down to NYC, and then to DC to visit my 1/2 brother, his wife, and my baby niece, annie my domestic-partner-without-complications (i love her!!!), and jepa.

after years of reservation, i finally came out to my brother this spring, and so it was absolutely wonderful and extraordinary to see him and the baby niece who is now 1.5 years old. i just couldn't let myself face him or his family without letting them know who i really am and if i was to be a part of their lives, i wanted to be real and honest. i am so happy to know that they accept me as who i am and that they welcomed me back. my bro looks SO much like our father it was unbelievable. and my baby niece looks just like him. she is absolutely adorable and i couldn't keep my eyes off of her. i love her so much and i can't wait to watch her life unfold. after we played in the partk, we had a cozy family dinner at basta pasta, a chic italian-japanese fusion restaurant created by a japanese chef who competed in the original "iron chef" tv series in japan. the food was delicious, and service was up to par with my japanese expectations. i highly recommend it.

then we walked to union square, said good bye, and i met up with annie and ventured out to town. first we stopped by at a sports bar in bowrey to chat with dave and his friend, and then we made our way to the times square. we originally wanted to go get a drink at somewhere ridiculous like the hardrock cafe or planet hollywood, but since they were closing up for the night we decided to just pick a random bar that's still open and get comfortable. so we took a side street and ended up in a pub where they had late night snack (we got calamari, naturally) and a bunch of middle-aged single (?) or unhappily married "looking" men were drinking whisky. there were an adorable older gay male couple, but they left before our food was served. HOWEVER, instead, there walked in a threesome of older dudes, obviously tipsy, loud, in company-polo-shirts who sat right by us. annie eyed me and leaned over, and told me that if they start talking to us, we have to give them some ridiculous stories about who we are, so here is how it went - we are newly weds from california on a cross country trip, and we leave from new york the next day for around the world honeymoon (first stop is italy), i just finished med school at ucsf and am now a gynecologist - and of course, we put our respective rings on our ring fingers, and soon after, one guy started talking to us. we found out, they work for jack daniels (naturally. and i happened to be drinking jack & coke at that moment), and this guy was absolutely STUNNED to hear our story. i think the gynecologist part was the best. SO typical. all in all, he was a nice guy, and we had a blast telling our story. what a lovely night. what a lovely memory to bring with me. we slowly made out way back to her cousin's apartment on upper westside, and slept on the deflated air mattress with two adorable dogs with egzema. poor things. and because annie doesn't have the meat padding that i have, apparently she could hardly sleep. i slept rather well. thanks to my chub...

the next morning, we cleaned up the apartment, took the itchy dogs (i really liked them. they were some sweet dogs) on a walk by the river, and went out to lunch with dave. it broke my heart to bid farewell to annie... we have supported each other through some of the hardest times of our lives, and our friendship had grown deep and beautiful. i will miss her like no other. but i am hopeful that sometime later in our lives (when we're both grown up) perhaps we can be neighbors and raise our children together. until then, i hope to visit her and her to visit me, and continue nourishing our friendship.

the train ride to DC was fine, although it did delay for a quite a bit because of the bridge being open to let a boat go. i read the most of the vanity fair, and loved the little comical section about comparing notorious festivals (which included the burning man, michigan womyn's music fest, and coachella, etc.). jepa waited for me at the arrival gate of the station, in her cute office clothes. she gave me a big smile and a big hug, and i was so glad to have made it to DC. we then took the metro straight to silver spring where she lives, and it was HOT! jepa was complaining how she sweats all the time because she is a mainer and her body cannot handle the heat and humidity. adorable. we caught up with our lives, but could not for the love of goddess decide what to get for dinner. we ended up ordering in thai food, and spent the rest of the evening talking.

the next day we slept in, and stayed lazy for the most of the day. then we figured out that human rights campaign (HRC)'s true colors concert was in DC that night, and it featured some of my favorite artists like tegan&sara and regina spektor, so i convinced jepa to get tickets. to get our lazy ass out of the apartment, we decided to take a stroll by where the conert was, and so we sweated our asses off and walked around the white house and watched naked bikers protesting agaist the high price of oil. i love radical activism. makes me feel optimistic about the world. after we wait and wait and wait and wait on line to get our tickets at the box office (jepa nearly had a heat stroke it was so hot) we made our way into the hall and tegan&sara busted out onto the stage. the concert was fantastic. especially t&s and regina spektor were great. and carlson the host (from queer eye for the straight guy) was hilarious. jepa and i both found out that cindi lauper was 55 and still kickin' and that she wrote a lot of songs that we knew but didn't know that it was by her (like "i drove all night to get to you..." and "time after time..."). i mean really, jepa likes bands like fall out boy and i like indie folk/blues singers like the wood brothers. of course we don't know cindi lauper's life-long repertoire... we ended the evening at the cafe at kramer's book store, and i bought her my favorite book. she bought me zahir. we crashed soon after we got home.

my last day in maryland/DC began with makeshift chocolate chip pancakes (which was delicious) for which jepa had to get out of her sushi boxers and put on clothes to get more eggs since she broke one of the only two eggs that we had. nonetheless they were yummy, and she took me to artomatic, a massive 1000 local artists exhibit. it was absolutely inspiring. first of all, the artwork included all sorts of mediums; b&w photography, collages, sculptures, oil on canvas, water colors, sketches, comics, music, tattoos, etc, etc etc, and second, they were just so full of creative vitality. made me get fired up about bringing art back into my own life. creativity, a flash of inspiration comes suddenly, and these artists showed that in the most raw, most touching, poignant ways. i truly enjoyed the exhibit. after our feet were too tired and could no longer stand the emptiness in our bellies, we headed home to get washed up and to dine in silver spring. we got movies on the way home, but ended up just talking. we talked into the night even though we were both exhausted from the heat and the sun and walking and resisting old feelings. it was a conversation that i needed to have because i felt too much. she was gentle and understanding. then the dream world swept over our consciousness drenched in a blend of something like yearning, regrets, and hope.

jepa and i had never had a chance to enjoy each other's company alone like this. i am so greatful that we finally did. listening to her life stories and watching her admire passionate no-name artist made my heart shake. her love for music resonated with familiar comfort. i am blessed to have had this time with her. regardless of the final product, the inspirational experience that i had creating it is worth a lifetime.

***********************

the rain has slowed down, and the rumbling of the thunder has stopped. tembo is asleep by my side, and he closes his eyes with contentment when i stroke him. he is making me sleepy. i will write about my sailing expedition and ptown with monica's dad at a later date...

clarification

2008-06-15T16:37:00.001-07:00

i meant to have done this a while ago, but i seriously got carried away with bitter life such was the way it was at the end of the semester - the last post is titled st.germain and social movement, because i was writing the assignment for social movement seminar which i took and got totally fired up. and i was also drinking st.germain cocktail, the liquid diet of choice for the idealistic brain.

st. germain and social movement

2008-04-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

damnit. i went a month without writing anything. well a lot has happened since the last entry. ups and downs with my thesis, which had put me in a bit of a slump for sure, still alone and talking to my cats incessantly, and i am now drunk trying to finishi my homework for one of my seminars. i keep getting distracted (as you can see) and i am bored as hell. i pushed my mcat date to may because obviously i wasn't goint to be ready to take it in two weeks. YIKES. i became close friends with an ironwoman who runs on average 100 miles a week. she is beyond reckless and certainly addicted to all things endurance. but she is sweet and funny and kinda clueless and i adore her for it. she has become a joy in my life. keo and i have picked up jamming sessions again and i think we're ready to become a duo for real. we want to give ourselves a catchy name but to no avail we keep circling around "snow" something based on the fact that we used to take random strolls late at night especially when it's snowing outside when we were in college. we also used to play video games and order chinese food but that's not as poignant as the quiet walks in the snow. i also visited the bay area and caught up with many people whom i adore to death, including all the little ones in the theis-aurelio households. i have missed them so much i didn't realize it until i actually had a chance to spend some quality time again. i found out today that one of them wants to marry me but found out that i'm way too old for him (he is currently 5 years old) and that i actually don't like boys that way and apprently he was devastated. EFFING ADORABLE. i could eat him alive.

argh. i want to write more but i need to finish my stupid reading reflection memo. i will come back and write some more. if i'm still awake. i am drunk. ha. what's new.

the honest vow and happy when i grow up

2008-02-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

tonight is my night off - well, from the hectic week of trying to reanalyze and rewrite my thesis for the manuscript that i'm trying to publish, so naturally i indulged in my netflix movie, cheap take out, and a couple of brewskies. now i'm sipping on my grown-up's drink and having a conversation on a blog, because the film i watched made me think, and obviously, i have no one to talk to, so here i am. in the virtual reality of nameless ears (well... eyes to be exact).

the film was called "ira and abby" and it was a very smart, modern satire of marriage, or the misguided ideals of marriage. it was done poignantly but hilariously, and i loved it. the best part was that i could see so much of myself and my insecurities in the protagonist, and it felt good to see myself from outside. he is this charming dude, well brought up with plenty of money by manhattan psychologists, but clearly neurotic, obsessive compulsive, unhappy and extremely jealous (mostly because of the way he was raised, it seemed). now, i'm not that bad, but still, watching him talk about himself in therapy (mind you, he himself is a psych phd student...) and not being able to articulate what's bothering him was just priceless. anyway, this all-loving, sweet, generous, happy, care-free girl literally walks into his life and turns it upseide down and they get married on like a second date. and from there on, they battle with the ideals of marriage set forth by their parents (who have their troubles on their own but don't surface until later), and the societty's naive faith that marriage is this magical thing that somehow we are supposed to be able to keep. after few thousand dollars of therapy sessions and a couple of divorces and weddings, the protagonist and his wife decide to get divorced for the last time and be happy together without this label of "marriage." the dude's last vow was simple and wonderful, and most importantly, honest - "i promise to love you and only you for as long as it remains true."

i guess the take home message, at least for me, is that glory of marriage is not necessarily love, and that marriage puts this extra pressure of having have to work things out or bring this notion of everying having to be perfect or something like that, and it just makes people insecure in their very relationship, taking all the fun out of it. at the same time, this couple was able to remain "together" in a sense that they were able to continue loving each other even though they went for it faster than a lesbian light speed. i guess trusting one's instinct may just be the answer. easier said than done, perhaps, but i like that. i just hate to settle for anything less than that sense of "this is it" just because everything else "seem" right. i want to feel it in the gut and i want serendipity to be perched on my shoulder at all times, and for my partner to feel its presence with me. i know it can happen. i have been there once.

i once knew someone older, whose goal as a young person was to be happy when he grew up. nothing more, nothing less. you know, i admire that. i want to be happy when i grow up. it was that kinda movie. i recommend it.

'p valley my home

2008-02-26T10:56:00.000-08:00

i was reckless enough (and fed up from life enough) to drive in the snow storm last friday afternoon to drive to amherst to spend the weekend with cherry. i nearly killed myself once or twice and saw numerous accidents that looked fatal, but nonetheless i made it safely, despite the fact that it took me about 4.5 hours to get there. i can typically make it in under 2 hrs. it was really nice to see cherry, and since edie's concert that we planned to go in east hampton was canceled that night, we stayed in and watched the documentary "sicko" by micheal moore. american health system has so much flaw (which i knew, and i've learned inside out in one of my classes last semester) and it frustrates me so much that the "managed care" concept has been associated with complete EVIL, because the idea behind managed care is not supposed to be what it is perceived to be. the true rational behind managed care is supposed to be providing the basic health care that we ALL deserve to ALL people at a small cost of restrictions in who they can see and what they can get. somehow this small sacrifice for the greater good for ALL has been distorted and is now received by the society as a means to take free will and choice out of people's lives. the film definitely did that, but it also told other stories about inequity and injustice in health care, adverse selection and underwriting in health insurance coverage in particular, which i know happen all the time. it also compared the health outcome and the cost of the US health care system with that of other countries, and although i know that there is a clear and serious inefficiencies in the US system, the movie seemed to glorify the other systems that i know have problems of their own. regardless, the film was entertaining, and i was stoked to have been able to talk about it with cherry who is also very keen on public health and social justice.

then on saturday i had the priveledge of watching cherry's girl's basketball team (amherst sparks) beat their opponents by a landslide. her girls are GOOD. and cherry is a fantastic coach. sparks was much more skilled and technical compared to their opponent, and the girls just seemed to be playing it because they have fun, which is the way youth sports should be played. not like the way it is played all over this country, where their lives are sports not necessary because they love playing it but because that's what's expected out of them, and because they are brainwashed to believe that that's how you get ahead in life. it was nice to see these kids enjoying a sport with friend on saturday afternoon. in the evening, we headed out to umass to see their rendition of vagina monologues, in which one of cherry's friends was performing. i had such a great time. the message of it all was powerful and inspirational, and i especially enjoyed the barack obama orgasms that went (naturally): "YES WE CAN!! SI SE PUEDE!!!"

sunday was slow and wonderful, the way sundays should be. we decided to head into the "big city" of northampton (as cherry calls it) and strolled through the campus of my alma mater, stopped at the botanical garden, told crazy collegiate stories of mine, and shopped around in town. i absolutely LOVE smith. it was beautiful and snowcapped, with white mt. tom in the background. it brought back all sorts of memories and made me feel nostalgic as it always does. i miss the way things were, even though i know i am pretty content with where i am in my life now. i guess it's the same sense of homesickness or attachment people feel to their hometown or their homes. this was my home. now my family are scattered all over the world, and i miss the utter fact of college life: friends twenty-four-seven at your finger tips. there was an unspoken bond among us all, a solidarity of womenhood, a unity of radical young adults, the pride of queers, however you want to call it, it was there, and i ate it all up. i lived on it. it was my sustenance. of course i crave it even till this day. in my social movement class on monday, we talked about how college students nowadays don't protest as much as they used to during the vietnam era. and even though i agreed, i remember thinking back to when i was in college and how everyday there was a talk of protest. even if it's a tiny one (like house protest) there was definitely one every week. there was campus wide "walk outs" there was "celebration" there were vigils, ah the joy of pioneer valley's five colleges! (obviously smith is the best) i am so proud and joyous to be able to honestly proclaim that i absolutely LOVED my time in college. because i know a lot of people can't say that. for that, i thank sophia smith, my parents, and whatever higher power or fate or goddess that put me in smith.

i hope to get back to the valley and smith again sometime soon. (besides, i want to see edie play! i miss her music...)

michael pollan my man

2008-02-22T06:23:00.000-08:00

he was at brown last night, and i joined the overflowing crowed and watched him speak via simul-cast in lower solomon. he is such an intelligent, witty, earthy, engaging, charismatic speaker - i loved his talk. he was supposed to speak only for 40 min, but he ended up talking for over an hour, and the time flew like it was nothing. he was just great. again, most of the things he said, which was pretty much all from his newest book "in defense of food: an eater's manifesto", i knew already. but i certainly learned A LOT about the backdrop of the american food culture (or lack thereof to be exact) and how we came to be where we are now. the idea of nutiritionism was something i had not really thought about, and specific historical events (government endorsed or otherwise) especially in regards to scietific "findings" or "evidence" and how it took the true meaning out of food or in the process of preparing and eating food was interesting to learn about. he concluded by talking to us one of my own beliefs; the importance of culture and the wisdom of eating from which it arises. for example, in his words "don't eat things your great-grand mother would not recognize as food, like go-gurt" which i thought was hilarious but oh so true. it doesn't have to be great-grand mother - it could just be my mother. she would NEVER eat something like go-gurt. disgusting. and, pollan also said the dietary health, the "healthy eating habits" is not just about nutrition, but it should be considered as a chain of events, and each component should be healthy and sustainable, because truly "healthy" food cannot be produced if it comes from unhealthy soil, environment, or treatment.

i just love food and i want to eat well. i know i'm a little bit obsessed with this... but i have to admit, i was excited to have had my book signed (personalized to me!) by such a great scholar/journalist in the field!!

more about him and his books/work can be found here.

rockin' brett dennen

2008-02-17T07:42:00.000-08:00

So Long, Miesery - Brett Dennen

So Long, my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

Daylight lives like a burden for me
so I escape
sent it strewn about the street
beyond the ruins of my ancestry
far past the pages of my disbelief
I rose from my moat
like a ghost from a grave
sunken in the salty eyes of the wandering displaced
I was heading through the mist across the golden gate
all of my rebellions fall into the fog of fate

So long my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

Spring time came again
and Icarus fell
I flew past the numb lipped nuns who'll never tell
the secrets of the sailors and their 7 year spell
I will not fall, nor will my wings ever melt
if I could I would wash all these wounds away
I would surround your room with a sense of mental grace
I would paint your portrait over everything mundane
more colorful than Easter Sunday

so long my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

put me on a boat
leave my inhibitions at bay
my mind is spilling
but I haven't much to say
I was running through the canyons
pulse the echoes of your name
you were laughing at me like
the sun laughs at a flame
put me on a page in a book of beginnings
let me scroll me through old volumes of ancient teachings
let me reveal in all of these forgotten feelings
lay me with the wretched in the arms of my queen

so long sweet misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries
no I haven't slept in centuries
I haven't slept in centuries

vegetannual, locavore, and sweet edible pick-up line

2008-02-12T15:18:00.000-08:00

so anyone who knows me well knows how much i love food and cooking. i love the taste of an ingredient on its own, mixed with others, and the very unique culture that surrounds growing, preparing, and eating the food. i was raised with very strict consciousness for nutrition and appreciation for every edible thing that went into my mouth. i was taught never to leave a grain of rice behind on my plate because a farmer spent his life growing that one grain of rice for me to eat. as an adult, i now use home cooked meals to seduce women, and i flat out refuse to date anyone who does not find joy in food.

perhaps this utter joy and passion for food bloomed from the fact that for about a half of my life i've eaten dormitory food - mind you, some of them were GOOD - often coming from the same place that supplied prison meals. i tried to be creative in those years by mixing different food that was available to me and make peculiar concoctions to suit my taste. now that i have my own kitchen and i have the freedom to excercise my own food beliefs and ideals, i've been going all out with my commitment to feed myself and my guests well.

i recently began reading kinsolver's animal, vegetable, miracle, and i bought omnivor's dilemma to read next. as i began the vegetannual journey with kingsolver, my pre-existing desire to want to change the way i purchase food has increased 10-folds. not to be snotty, but the most things she writes, i knew already. especially growing up in japan, seasonal eating was almost a given, for the most part. i was used to hearing my mother and our home helper talking about meals and how such veggies and fish are in season. and i knew from experience that off-season foods tasted not nearly as good as those in season. it was a common sense for me to know that watermelons are for the summer and pumpkins are in the winter (as a matter of fact, japanese calendar designates certain days to be the time to eat pumpkins, called "to-ji"). the sanma fish i love so dearly came in the fall, and so did the crisp waterly asian pears. japanese people also bring/send fruits, grains, fish, and veggies in season as gifts for celebratory occasions. i guess in a way, food is a very much considered an asset, something that is integral and priviledged to be able to have. it is a culture that is deeply connected to the "japanese-ness" that i hold so dearly in my heart, and i think this is precisely what it lacking from the fast-paced, competitive, you-earn-what-you-get philosophy of the american culture that makes food taste like sh*t and making us die from it.

even when i look back to the first few years i lived here, i was certainly flabbergasted by the american abundance and convenience of the mega-grocery stores, but eventually i became desensitized and for a while, i did enjoy the luxury of being able to eat citrus that's not winter-clementines you get in japan in the dead of the winter, and have a perfect bananas whenever i desired.

then i became more socially aware. i learned of the pesticides and genetic modification, and about livestock maltreatments and exploitation of foreign laborers. then came the carbon footprints, genetic patents, and oversubsidies of corn and soy farms, over cultivation, overproduction, over fishing... the list goes on. so i began the slow transition of becoming a socially responsible eater, although it came with other side of the equation: the recognizing it is a priviledge to be able to practice socially responsible eating habits. although technically, purchasing from local farmers at farmers' markets and preparing meals at home is economically favorable, it is chronologically much more efficient to buy packages of TV dinners and frozen pizzas. a lot of people are not only economically deprived but time and effort are also an essential part of their food system. especially for those who live an honest life. this includes young professionals and students whose lives are controlled by the paper deadlines and conferences with minimal work-study wages.

what i began to realize, is the mere fact that people need to be reintroduced to food not as something that comes three times a day so that your stomach doesn't go grrrrrrr, but something to take time to enjoy and appreciate. this is certainly something easier said than done, because i myself is often forced to gulf down whatever i have conveniently availale in a matter of 15 minutes in between classes or meetings or whatever i'm up to. but i guess my point is this - it was unthinkable for me to discover as a young person that sometimes in the US, the lunch for children is a penut butter and jelly sandwitch and a handful of carrot sticks, and dinner is mac and cheese and may be 3 stems of steamed broccoli. WTF. of course americans don't know what food tastes good! even children have tastebuds, and appreciation for "tasty" foods. i think american adults often underestimate that and are unbalancingly stressed out about feeding children vegitables. well, i say if you want kids to eat vegitables, make them taste good. and the same goes for adults. i think a lot of people will recognize the joy of eating (not just about the taste, but the whole experience of it) once they learn to see food as means to enjoy life.

here is what i do to make sure that i enjoy my food:

1) cook as much as i can (don't worry about cooking for one person - leftovers make wonderful lunch the next day and save you few bucks!)
2) when i cook, i try to be as creative as i can using different spices and ingredients, and not afraid to be experimental
3) purchase produce that are local (my current goal is east coast only)
4) purchase prudece that are in season (which sort of comes with number 3)
5) carry "fish" list that tells you which fish are over fished and only eat ones that are either abundant or raised in a sustainable farms
6) DO NOT WASTE ANYTHING - often times you can still eat slightly wilted vegitables especially if you just throw them in soups, etc.
7) avoid products with corn syrup
8) only drink brewskies from the northeast

these i've been practicing for a while now and it's very doable. and i make good meals - ask any of my friends, ex's or dates. ;)

now, these are the next step i want to take especially when i move back to california and my life is not tied down by the due dates of academia:

1) start my own garden that could supply some of vegitables and herbs
2) can and dry-preserve some produce that will not be available off-season
3) only purchase produce that come from the central coast up of california
4) sign up for the farm share
5) never buy lunches
6) stop eating meats unless i am part of the sacrifice process
7) brew my own beer

these i think will definitely take some more commitment, but i would like to try it. besides, california is much easier place to excercise sustainable food culture anyway. i mean, chez panisse was practically my neighbor when i lived out there. if alice could do it commercially, i should be able to do it at home. may be i'd finally be able to find a woman who will fall for me for this commitment to good eating...

the power of words and music: YES. WE. CAN.

2008-02-07T20:18:00.000-08:00

YES WE CAN SONG

if you haven't seen this, please, for love of the world, go see it. and read what the dude from black eyed peas who created it has to say. it moved me so much with inspiration and courage, that i cannot control my own trembling. i have not felt this way since my time on the thai-burma border. the following is what i posted in response to seeing this absolutely amazing video:

you have inspired and touch my core. because i’m an immigrant and i can’t vote, i had not been paying attention to the details of the candidacies and what each candidate stands for. this made me realize that perhaps there is something i can do to change the ways of the world. i strive for the passions of ghandi and commitment of dr. cynthia on the thai-burma border. i believe in love and the humanity that unites us together as humans. i am not any special, in a way that is typically recognized in the society. but i have my values and i thrive to share my ideals and dreams. i have been in a bit of a slump lately, but now i cannot cease my trembling since seeing this video. this brought me tears and fed fuels to my fire all at the same time. thank you obama, and thank you black eyed peas, thank you all the musicians thriving on creativity and dedication, and thank you all the grassroots advocates and activists trying to bring justice to the tainted world that we live in today. i pray for peace, for everyone living and dead who believe[d] in love and understanding.

................................................................................

"It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea --

Yes. We. Can."

-Barack Obama

aNgRY chIcK MuSic

2008-01-31T07:17:00.000-08:00

At the last Meg concert, right before Texas hit me with its blazing sunshine, Annie and I were singing-along with Meg's new song: "I dream in full colors... I'm sleeping alone in my own bed again..." and appreciating the fact that we were both healing, and that we were just beginning to get used to being on our own, in our own solitude. And just when that was the case, a tantalizing golden distraction falls onto my lap. I can't stop thinking about what Bette said last season of the L word: "I was just getting used to living by myself..." I've decided, it's just an illusion, a drunk stupor and that I'm going to just put this behind me and move forward with my solo life. My academics, responsibilities, creativity, and healing. The MCAT preparation classes have began and I had forgotten just how tedious and brain damaging it actually was. So instead of learning the kinematics equations and ideal gas laws, I write songs. Perhaps I will write a song about my utter HATE for this damn exam. But as the Kaplan guy said, I'm there to become a GREAT doctor. And I will. Damn it, I will. The little engine that could. I've survived this far I will not vanish without fighting to my end. The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs. I am a good person. I am a driven, committed, good person. No one can stop me. I will keep climbing. I will live my ideals and fulfill my dreams. Nothing can stand in my way. I will not let tricks and games and meaningless competitions burn me down. I blast my Shameless music loud until my eardrums hurt.

the song of the day

2008-01-31T07:15:00.001-08:00

Gladdest Thing - Deb Talan

I will be the gladdest thing under the sun
I will touch a hundred flowers and not pick one
I will look at cliffs and clouds with quiet eyes
Watch the wind blow down the grass and the grass rise

Doesn't each of us have a place we belong
Could be a sidewalk crack or sad song
Inside our searching is desire to etch a silent thought in stone
To make our tender heart known

I will be the gladdest thing under the sun
I will touch a hundred flowers and not pick one
I will look at cliffs and clouds with quiet eyes
Watch the wind blow down the grass and the grass rise

And when the lights begin to show up from the town
I will mark which must be mine and then start down
Everyone wants to be a hero or a savior of small things
I want to be champion of evening, forget not the beauty of the in-betweens

Everyone of us had orphaned our bodies
Born from dust of the stars
We can comfort each other in this place
I can look into your eyes and see my own face

I will be the gladdest thing under the sun
I will touch a hundred flowers and not pick none
I will look at cliffs and clouds with quiet eyes
Watch the wind blow down the grass and the grass rise

And when the lights begin to show up from the town
I will mark what must be mine and then start down

some of my soul purging songs of remedy i wrote

2008-01-28T09:42:00.000-08:00

Song Never Finished

How long do I hold my breath?
How long do you plan to wonder?
How far should I walk with you?
How would I know that you still want to hear my song?

Tomorrow never seemed so intangible
It makes me not able to fall asleep
But I hear your whisper in the moonlight
The night is chilly and there is a hole shaped like you

I’m sorry I never finished the song
I was so damn lost in your lake Champlain eyes
But it’s true I’ve always, always wanted, wanted you in my Sunday morning

How many moments have we grown?
How deep should I bury the shells we picked?
How kind should I be to your dream?
How much is the price of your beautiful, beautiful face?

Yesterday was the same as the day before
Thinking about the sunshine in the room
In the city where we made so much laughter
Now I’m here, I’m lost, I’m scared to believe

I’m sorry I never finished the song
I was so damn lost in your lake Champlain eyes
But it’s true I’ve always, always wanted, wanted you in my Sunday morning

Unsure like the weather outside
My heart is singing your name
Don’t know where you are or what you see
Just wishing that you would sing this song with me

Tomorrow never seemed so intangible
It makes me not able to fall asleep
But I hear your whisper in the moonlight
The night is chilly and there is a hole shaped like you

***************************************************************

Sunshine

When the sun tips just so slightly
Or the wind blows from the wrong direction
I’m reminded of the smallness
of my own hands

It’s a struggle just to hold on
To a simplicity of loving small beauties
So I cry, so I cry for the pink sky over the city
and your brilliant smile

The iceberg is melting, a good woman is bruised
The mine is bursting, a child is left alone
The weight of the world feels heavier today
‘Guess I’m not that strong
and she has gone

When the truth of the world came tumbling down
It knocked down everything we believed in
Lost in heat and translation, all I could do was
to buy you flowers wrapped in newspaper

Being young is like being judged without a cause
Ideals and the reality battle over our sorrows
Please, please hold my hand, ‘cause you are the sunshine that brings peace

The last bird is dying, an honest man is hungry
The triggers are pulled, a friend is gone forever
Can’t help but question why the hell this must be
All I want is to be free
and she has gone

Please, please hold my hand, ‘cause you are the sunshine that brings peace
Please, please hold my hand, ‘cause you are the sunshine that brings peace….

perfect snow flakes and the eternal flame.... well, gas...

2008-01-20T09:57:00.000-08:00

i was stunned how air travel makes distance seems nothing, regardless of my slight guilt for adding extra carbon exhaust into the atmosphere. i spent the long weekend in buffalo, visiting a good friend, an old friend, and meeting new ones. it was really good to be away from 'dence for a little while, and just do things that pleased me that i can't do much of, like taking a stroll in the neighborhood and go to the farm share.

on saturday, thomas, me and a friend went on a hike in the snow, cold and snowy in a beautiful and pleasant way. i was told that this hike is short and sweet, and leads to what is called "eternal flame," a natural gas reserve where people light a fire so it flickers behind a waterfall. the day started with a thunder and a lightening with a gusty wind and a heavy snowfall. by the time we got to the park, the snow slowed a little, and the perfect crystals of snow accumulated on my blue jacket. the hike was short (may be a couple of miles total), and we took a bunch of tiny expeditions crossing the half-frozen creek and climbing the slopes on the by the tree roots. it was wonderful to be outside, and it was a grand fun. i always enjoy letting my child-self out into the wild. the fire was unfortunately not lit, and the footing by the waterfall got pretty sketchy, so we only got to smell the gas, and so we renamed the place the "eternal gas" which we found extremely funny.

in the evening in the "single-dig(it)" weather, we took the subway and watched juno which i had been wanting to see for a while. i absolutely loved it. and the music was great - it was mostly by kimya dawson and perhaps mouldy peaches. regardless, it was sweet and cute and the acting was fantastic. and of course, funny. here is the quote by juno's dad about true love. it resonated in me really hard. i guess i believe in it too.

"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

for you...

2008-01-18T09:20:00.000-08:00

Desert Sunrise - Brett Dennen

A desert sunrise, you warm my soul
Painting me in shades of clay
Covering me whole
And I'm a lizard, sunbathing in your radiance
Oh i come out of hiding, so sweet
so sweet you are
If I could only have a taste
Wrap my lips around your flavor
Just because you are you
Just because you are, so beautiful

And I've been waiting all this life
In the company of one
And I know I am young
But I don't want to be alone
If you could only just
Consider the two of us
And i know darling
I could be so good to you

I see you rising
On the horizon
Bringing light into the day
And I'm coasting on your rays
When I awoke, you spoke through the mist of the mystic bliss
Casting shadows
On all my dismal yesterdays
Do you remember that you told me, darling
That I was so real
I tell you all, my tears for you are real
And we'll cross that bridge again some day
I know we will
I hope we will

Desert sunset, a lullaby
If I could give it all to you
If you'd only let me try
Sing so sweetly, it's my only wish
Music drips from your lips like sweet sips of a summer's kiss
Summer raindrops are precious, tongues twist

.....

Desert moonrise, into the night
Before we lay our heads
I wish to walk under the splendorous starlight
Sing so sweetly, it's the sweetest sound
And I've become weak in the knees
And I drop down and kiss the ground
And all my cares lie far below
In this earth I wish to die
In this hearth my fire grows

purging

2008-01-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

it snowed again today. my heart is accepting this wet dreary winter blues little better than it did last month. two weeks of endless food and the comfort of my own determination to care for my parents helped. going to the gym empty mindedly helped. reading the last book of harry potter helped. crafting little cats and dogs with clay for my mother's japanese craft dolls' minature diorama helped. i love working with my hands.

i lost a friend recently to her soul-searching trip overseas, but i seemed to have gained a few more. it came by a surprise, but perhaps it was my own fault for not reaching out to the right people. i spent a lovely evening with annie the other day, going to a concert opened by meg and the feature was the funniest dyke singer i have ever seen in my whole damn life. her music had a certain level of maturity to them; with humor and the contentment about the world. i was very glad to have seen her - i was tearing not because of the sorrow, but because i was laughing so hard. and i got to say hello to meg, which had been way overdue, and she looked great and i noticed that she has lots of light and colors in her eyes. so beautiful. so much like her music. then adrienne and jen asked if i wanted to go out, and as a matter of fact, i was in such a jolly mood that i jumped in the wagon right away, and i found blaire. it was a great night. so was lastnight, where i got to hang out with annie, adrienne, jen, and blaire all together cozy with the wood stove and brownies. THIS is what i had missed. THIS was exactly what i had been missing. we watched the newest season of the L word (which was purchased by adrienne after a relentless search for someone with showtime that ended unsuccessfully), american gladiators, and played nintendo.

in my daily contemplations of life, i've made a few realization recently:

1) i am begining to see small beauties again (particulary in women.... what a surprise), like the way arm muscles move when folk singer strums her guitar, my mentor's hands, the concentrating gaze on my friend's profile, the snow on the bare branches, my cats' faces.

2) writing songs might just be my remedy. i've written 4 thus far, and i think 1 more is being molded in my head as we speak... it feels almost like a big belch or some sort of bodily release when i write one. such a good feeling. this allowed me to cope so much better with my battles.

3) 23 is a okay. not too young. it is a fact that it depends on the person.

4) and naturally, going on 27 is not that old. despite my sprouts of gray hair and my friends' weddings and baby showers.

5) i am not the only one with neurotic tendencies. someone obsesses with closing the blinds, and someone else just likes to vacuum all the time.

6) i don't mind cleaning the toilet and the sink. but i still hate cleaning the stove top and the bathtub.

7) lastly, but most importantly, even though it was painful and rather discouraging to accept it, i realized the actual difficulty of loving me. my neurocies and stubbornness and moodiness aside, the circumstance of my life is hard to bear for anybody. it is hard for me even. of course it would be hard for someone who is committed to loving me. my life will forever be split between here and japan, and i will always speak the language the lover will probably not be able to understand. i will be traveling back and forth between the two countries and go spend holidays with my parents who are unaware of my identity. my lover will most likely be introduced as "a close someone" if the chance ever arrives, and there is no guarantee that i will not have a family of my own once it gets out. i will (hopefully...!) and i strive to have a career that will keep me away from my loved ones from time to time, perhaps all the time to start with, and i come as a set with two cats who are still young. my past i drag in a bag with me wherever i go, simply because there is no safe place like a home for me here in this country where i spend most of my life, and because of my legal status in this country, the life plans has to be made way in advance, with a few back up plans. the prospect of someone being able to love me that much is slight. i must admit. i try not to dwell on it and have a lighter perspective, like i'll just let myself be okay with temporary reliefs from time to time. a little bit like the protagonist of middlesex.

i have a plate full of plans with people i care about. that is all i need for now, and i am thankful for all of it. going back to the origin. take nothing for granted.

a small nameless something

2007-12-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

yesterday a snow storm came and i watched the snow fall fast and heavy outside the window. i remembered doing the same thing a couple of winters ago, letting my mind wonder in the the depth of me and writing about it on my livejournal. i guess the snow fall the same way every year, wherever you are.

i've been working really hard on my work as to avoid weeping. it's getting harder and harder, as others finish up for the semester and the city is decorated with holiday lights. the talks of family vacations and presents and parties. i can go through a day easily without having a single thread of conversation with anybody, and that simple realization makes me invisible. intangible. nonexistent. a figment of my(?) own imagination. the nights are colder and i lose concentration because of shivering.

i miss the human touch. i wish someone would touch my skin. hold me for a little while. just enough for me to cry my heart out. i'm scared and i'm lonely. i hate this place. it has brought me nothing but pain. forget this ice and snow and all of these pretentious people who don't know how to let their souls loose. there is absolutely nothing left for me to hold on here. i tried everything from yoga to therapies to music to reading to drinking to eating, but they only give me temporary peace. it is as if the weight of the world has landed on my head.

wow.

2007-12-11T20:36:00.000-08:00

yea. it's been a while. this is what i do - coming and going. from writing, that is. i guess i have to open this by saying that my life has taken a rather drastic leap since the return to providence from thailand. part of me died a little bit, and i had an episode of panic attack. i started seeing the therapist again, and i am addicted to music. i live alone now, with my black-and-white animals that give me peace and comfort. my thesis i think is actually taking off, and i am about to finish this semester on a strong note. we'll see how THAT goes (considering i'm back here)...

i wrote three songs of my own this fall, my millionth attempt to actually follow through with it. the amorous desperation i think did it. extreme pain always makes me hypercreative. i will put the lyrics up here when i feel ready. i will also put some ranting i did on the newsletter i put together as part of my job. i quite enjoyed writing them.

i've also found a little niche there is in this miserable city. here are my favorite spots in town:

- julian's: fantastic hipster restaurant/bar on broadway in my hood on the westside. it has a rather garganuous brunch menu that i absolutely love.

- red fez: another hipster restaurant/bar in down city. the whole place has a red tint which i love. and they have my SF beer anchor steam!

- cuban revolution: opened at a new location down city not too long ago, and it is just a fun, affordable, friendly place with a cuban twist. buena vista is played often in the background.

- seven stars bakery: the westside shop opened this spring, which is on broadway about 1 min walk from my pad. the almond croissant is absolutely scrumptuous. the staff are also very friendly.

- korean restaurant on benefit: a tiny joint at the end of benefit close to wickenden that feels like someone's dining room, but it is as authentic as the korean food can get. they even have the bibimbap in the sizzling clay bowl!!

- point street bridge: crossing it either in dawn or dusk, you can see (rather misleading) beautiful skyline of providence and its reflection on pawtucket river. i hope i can share it with someone sometime.

- twin city music house: a family owned music store/music school that is at its end of business. the owners are looking to sell the building but noone is buying. they have been in business for over 70 years. it is a shame that such an amazing legacy must end.

- what-cheer-brigade: a hipster marching band that waltzes down the streets of providence with gorilla masks here and again. there are none like it anywhere else. they do great jewish music too!

- motion center: a great cozy studio where i take yoga. it's on a quite part of south main street, and has a great atmosphere.

- garden grille: vegitarian & vegan specialty restaurant down on hope street towards pawtucket. crunchy and hippie, sunny and bright. great brunch buffet on sundays.

and here are my favorite indie musicians that i live for. i mean it when i say this. i really listen to their music like my life is depended on it. and i'm in love with all of them. crushing hard.

- coyote grace (joe & ingrid): they are based out west but came all the way out here to participate in an event i put together this fall. fantastic lyrics that tells stories that resonate with my life.

- meg hutchinson: i have loved this woman since i was a teenager! i would propose to her right now if i could. her words just have it right. and her voice is earthy, melancholic, robert-frosty, and simply soul-shuddering. she's used to be based in the berkshires but i think she's in boston now.

- edie carey: i have loved this woman for a long time too! she is a poet. i would marry her if i could too. her music is such that you can find a song to fit any moment of your life. her music has a way to sneak under your skin and stay with you. she was away for a while but now she is back in action in new england.

- kris delmhorst: ah, where do i start. she has brought such joy into my life that i don't even know where to begin. her music has a little twist of boyishness, a little mischivous badass twang crusted with the journey of a woman's heart and it's always nice to feel that kind of amalgamation. i think she's about to embark on a european tour, which means i won't be able to see her in a while...

- ani difranco: she is THE way. she is literally the best writer i have ever known. i don't know whatelse to say. i quote her like it's my job, because she can capture anything with words and music, and it is magical.

- kelly joe phelps: good old blues man with the true soul of blues. his music is dark and heavy and feels comforting like my dirty worn-in amazing boots. his voice soaks through me.

- brian webb: i didn't know he is based out of rhode island. he sings like that's what he was made for. his music flow like journal entries, and they are honest and filled with the man's sorrow.

- antje duvekot: i didn't know how to pronouce her name for the longest time. she has the most mesmerizing voice i have ever heard. it is delicate, lucid, transluscent and yet has incredible amount of weight, of life, of art that rests deep inside you. her words are also filled with naratives that are sometimes mysterious and sometimes so ordinary that makes anyone's heart shake.

- rodney brillante: my soulmate. he is my brother. he just released his first CD and it is fantastic. his lyrics are simple and subtle, with perfect tune that brings his voice to life. he is one of very few musicians who dare to tame the uke, and he does a fantastic job. his music reminds me of the ocean the golden hills of my beloved california, and i just love him. i can't wait to get back out west.

- jennifer kimball
- anne heaton
- rose polenzani
- catie curtis
- rachel maccartney
- hem
- over the rhine
- melissa ferrick
- the wood brothers
- gregory douglous
- andy moore
- mandy shaw
- chris o'brien
- kimya dawson
- toshi raegan

(not indie, but...)
- patty griffin
- the weepies
- feist
- nickel creek
- regina spektor
- india arie
- norah jones
- rosana
- marta gomez
- lisa loeb
- indigo girls
- amos lee
- tegan and sara

i'm serious, you should looke them up and listen to them. they will change your life.

pavlov hits me... again

2007-06-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

serpentine

Pavlov hits me with more bad news every time I answer the phone
so I play and I sing and I just let it ring,
all day when I'm at home

a defacto choice of
macro-microcosmic melancholy
but baby any way you slice it,
I'm thinkin I could just as soon use the time alone

yeah the goons have gone global
and the CEO's are shredding files
and the democrans and the republicrats
are flashing their toothy smiles

and Uncle Tom is posing for a photo-op with the oval office klan
and Uncle Sam is riggin' cockfights in the promised land
and that knife you stuck in my back is still there
it pinches a little when I sigh and moan
and these days I'm thinkin I could just as soon use the time alone

cause all the wrong people have the power of suggestion
and the freedom of the press is meaningless if nobody asks the question
I mean causation by definition is such a complex compilation of factors
that to even try to say why is to oversimplify
that's a far cry, isn't it dear, from acting like you're the only one there
unrepentantly self-centered and unfair

enter all suckers scrambling for the truth
exit mr. eye-contact who took his flirt and flew the coup
but whatever, no matter, no fishin trips, no fishin
cause momma's officially out of commission

and did I mention in there somewhere
did I mention somewhere in there
that I traded Babe Ruth,
yes I traded the only player
that was bigger than the game
and I can't even tell you why,
cause you'd think I'm insane.
and that's the truth

and the music industry mafia is pimping girl power
sniping off sharp-shooter singles from their styrofoam towers,
and hip-hop is tied up in the back room with a logo stuffed in its mouth
cause the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house

but then, I'm getting away from myself
as I get closer and closer home
and the difference between you and me baby
is I get fucked up when I'm alone

and I must admit today
that my inner pessimist seems to have gotten the best of me
we start out sugared up on kool aid and manifest destiny
and then we memorize all the presidents names like little trained monkeys
and we spit into the world so many spinny-eyed TV junkies

incapable of unraveling the military-industrial mystery
pre-emptively passified with history book history
and I've been around the world now and I can see this about America

the mind control is deep here, man
the myopia is steep here, man

and behold those who try to expose the reality
really try to realize democracy
are shot with rubber bullets and gassed off the streets
while the global power brokers are kept clean and discreet
behind a wall
behind a moat
and that is all
that's all
that's all she wrote

and my heart beats an s-s-s o-o-o s-s-s
cause folks just really couldn't care-care-care less-less-less
as long as every day is superbowl sunday
and larger than life women in lingerie are pouting at us from every bus stop
she loves me, she loves me not
she loves me, she loves me not
she loves me, she loves me not

and "big government should not stand between a man and his money"
i mean, "what's good for business is good for the country"
our children still take that lie like communion,
the same old line the Confederacy used on the Union

conjugate liberty into libertarian
and medicated associated with deregulation privitization
we won't even know we're slaves on a corporate plantation

somebody say hallelujah,
somebody say damnation,
cause the profit system follows the path of least resistance
and the path of least resistance is what makes the river crooked
makes it serpentine
capitalism is the devil's wet dream

so just give me my Judy garland drugs and let me get back to work
cause the empire state building is the tallest building in New York
and I have always got the feeling
you just like to hear it fall off your tongue

but I remember my name in your mouth
and I don't think I was done hearing it close to my ear
on a whisper's way to a moan

Pavlov hits me with more bad news every time I answer the phone
so I play and I sing and just let it ring,
all day when I'm at home

a defacto choice of
macro-microcosmic melancholy
but baby any way you slice it,
I'm thinkin I could just as soon use the time alone

ani difranco

thirteen years later

2007-05-24T11:38:00.001-07:00

it is hard to truly recall what it was like, when i had embarked on a trip to the US about 13 years ago, without knowing the language, with a commitment of a year, and without a returning plane ticket. all i remember is crying throughout the plane ride and a nice japanese-american man next to me was so worried and tried to comfort me the entire trip.

now as i'm about to leave for a three months post at a clinc where i know i can communicate somewhat in english, with a clear end date, a plan to spend few days on the beach at the end, with a friend, and a pre-purchased return ticket i cannot believe how scared and homesick i am already. i cannot imagine what it must have been like for a twelve year old me, and i am both proud and embarrassed to admit my emotions.

i guess in a way, i know that i can snap out of this sadness once i'm on the road. it's just hard when you're alone packing up the apartment with cats nuzzling into my legs and realizing that i won't have this "home" for a while. in a way, it's a double wammy because alida is going to try to find a job elsewhere at the end of the summer, so i won't be returning to my apartment with cats and alida in it. it'll just be cats. i know it's a needed move that is going to do us both good in the end, but prospect of losing this comfort and security even just for a brief period is difficult to stomach.

the point is, though, that i AM doing what i want to do - go get my hands dirty to help those in need. i will also be buckling down to finish my master's program strong when i return and finally get the ball rolling for my career - to realize my dream. as ani says, i need to leave my comfort, i need to leave my love and home and security to see the truth. so help me goddess of the mother earth - give me strength and courage to live this life to its fullest and to be able to transcend it to the others who are less fortunate....

i had to leave the house of fashion
go forth naked from its doors
cuz women should be allies
not competitors
and i had to leave the house of god
cuz the cross replaced the wheel
and the goddesses were out in the garden
with the plants that nourish and heal

i had to leave the house of privilege
spend christmas homeless and feeling bad
to learn that privilege is a headache
that you don't know that you don't have
and i had to leave the house of television
to start noticing the clouds
it's amazing the stuff you see
when you finally shed that shroud

i had to leave the house of conformity
in order to make art
i had to be more or less true
to learn to tell the two apart
and i had to leave the house of fear
just about as soon as i could crawl
ignore my face on the wanted posters
stuck to the post office wall

i had to leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than i am, and who
ever said that life is suffering
i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
ain't the power of transcendence
the greatest one we can employ

shroud - ani difranco

procrastination is a virtue

2007-05-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

ha. i have a paper due on monday, and two due on tuesday. i've finished one that's on tuesday, almost done with the one that's due on monday, and haven't touched the other one. but what else i'd be doing but write my thoughts on my blog. lovely.

alida and i have been enjoying our after-work walks in lincoln woods state park. we do a loop around the olney pond, some on paved road and some on trails, and some bush whacking. there is a cute little beach that local kids are already swimming. even though the highway runs right by and you can hear the traffic (which is a turn off) it gives us few moments of peace that are rarely available in the west side of providence. we've seen some canadian geese, swans, mallard ducks, little frog and bull frog, and an orange bird (oriole, may be?). it's finally getting nicer in rhode island - it seems like we got no spring this year and went straight into summer. i'm glad we found a little oasis in our dreaded life in rhode island.

Few thoughts about globalization

2007-05-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

So I just got reconnected to Taiko. She is safely (relatively speaking) in Venezuela adjusting to everything. Apparently she still sucks at Spanish because it is true she is HORRIBLE at learning new languages (especially those ones that are Latin based). I can say this because she wouldn't have graduated from college if it wasn't for my help in English!! :P Anyway, I am kinda touched to know that someone so immediate, someone so close and yet far to everything that i am, is working from the same motivation, with similar beliefs in humanity and equity. We are meant to be, I guess... (I knew that the day we fist-fought at grade school...) I miss her, and I will miss her, but it won't be long before I will make my way to Venezuela!

As of myself, I am off to Mae Tao Clinic (with my nurse buddy Annie!) in a few weeks to spend 3 months working as a relief worker. For updates about the trip go to: conscienceproject.blogspot.com

I cannot believe Oprah for opening that most unproductive, self-righteous, unsustainable, and contradictory school in South Africa. I always loved Oprah and her charisma and her heart, but not this one. Annie first told me about this a while ago and I followed up with some research and there simply is not any good reason for this school.

First of all, girls who get to attend this school are hand-picked by Oprah, and she makes these girls call her "ma ma". I mean, can you even stand the obvious philanthropic colonialism!? Besides, what happens to the girls who don't get picked, or who aren't even considered? And the divide that is made between the two groups of children? What if one of the two best friends gets in and the other doesn't? One lives out this luxurious, well-funded schooling with yoga classes and the other stays home, never get education good enough to get her anywhere, be married at age 14 and contract HIV from sexual violence? What good is in that? Further, this school cost $40 million to build. You know how many descent schools that can build throughout the poor communities of South Africa with that money? Do you know how many children can be vaccinated with just a quarter of that money? How about potable water system? How about oral rehydration therapies for babies? In addition, girls who are found to have had sex are kicked out of the school with no-questions-asked - have we not learned anything from previous research that clearly demonstrates that in communities like South Africa, women, especially young women and girls, lack power of negotiation? If men want to get laid, women (particularly the enforcers' partners) are expected to serve, and violence prevails in situations where women refuse. Further, these girls are given the best of EVERYTHING, just because they were chosen by Oprah. Oprah personally picked out the finest bed sheets, curtains, fabrics for the uniform, organic foods and everything anyone could ask for. Can we just pause for a second and think about what kind of values that kind of set-up is going to teach these children? If I were from impoverished area, in my pre-teen, luckily had been picked to go to the school, I don't think I could help myself from thinking that I'm going to study hard so that I can have these nice things, and so that I can make a lot of money. I will simply no think about others in the community or in the world. Aren't we supposed to be teaching children how to think globally and act locally? In the extreme, I may even think that there are always going to be some rich people bailing poor people out so it is not my responsibility to give back to the community or help those who are left behind. AND have we forgotten American children who will never see any of these fancy things?? She commented a while ago to a question "why not do this in the US?" and she answered by saying that she got tired of these inner city American kids "who have the privilege of going to schools and yet they just don't care." I hope that some day, she can realize that it is not that they "don't care" but they are forced to be cynical and bitter because most of them don't have parents that care and teachers that care and the schools that offer environment that is suitable for learning. I'm saying even simple things like class rooms, desks, text books and pencils. I know this because I used to live with someone who taught in Oakland school district, and my best friend teaches at a Native American school in South Dakota. This particular friend has even told me that some of her students live out of a car because they have no home. This is precisely the reason why Oprah's school is ridiculous and completely un-humanitarian.

Finally, there is the sustainability issue. I think that is THE problem all humanitarian movements and funds and organizations face every day. That is to say, you cannot dump whole a lot of resources at one time only and not think about how it can sustain itself once the resources run out. I mean, does Oprah realize that she is going to have to pump more money into the school? Who is going to fund it if something happens to her? After she dies? Who decide which girls get in? Another multi-million-dollar hollywood star? Solution to the poverty problem in countries such as South Africa shouldn't be acute. It requires fixing the problem from the root - vitalization of local economy by teaching people revenue building skills, improving public transportation so that people who live in the former-homelands can travel into rich provinces and work without becoming a migrant worker, and encourage people to have less children and care for the child they have with utmost responsibility. These are the things we should be putting our money and thoughts into. NOT a $40 million dollar private school for a handful of hand-picked girls.

Perhaps Oprah didn't think hard enough about the intricate mechanism - structural violence in Paul Farmer's words - that is influencing the socio-economic disparities in South Africa. As good as her intentions may have been, I strongly disagree with the fact that this is doing good to the country of South Africa. Shame on you those who support her school.

salty icicles, frozen creamer and tiny shells in my pocket

2007-02-02T13:42:00.000-08:00

so i failed on my new year's resolution already!

anyway, some fun things that happened recently:

last saturday alida and i went to PJ's diner in coventry, RI. i read about it in the GET magazine, the gay magazine of the greater providence. it described it as a homey diner where locals and lesbians hang out, where if you go in your pajamas you are provided with free coffee! so we went, with our hungry sleepy selves, and let me tell you - i love new england for this reason. it was a tiny box house (a bit reminiscent of a trailer) on a main strip of road by the small body of water, among hickville truck garages and hole-in-a-wall bars, with a raimbow flag at its door. inside, it was filled with locals, mostly men in plaid flannel shirts and carharrt jackets, but definately some typical northeast softball pre-generation-X dykes. the waitress (a teanager who is probably one of the owner's daughter) greeted us with an energetic "hi!" followed by more greetings from the owner (one of the lesbian couple). the inside was all purple, and had few tables and a counter. i got a "big girls" combo with eggs and french toast - it was greasy, unhealthy, and salty just the way i like my diners. coffee was constantly full, and the owner was really welcoming and overall, i got a really nice sense of community over the border of gay and straight. i recommend anyone to give PJ's a little visit. just FYI for you late morning people - they close at noon, so hurry!

after we filled our stomach, we decided to take a little road trip to newport since alida had never been there and we were already south of providence. we drove through fancy mansions of bellevue avenue admiring and criticizing the wealth of the "old money" and took a right onto ocean drive. atlantic was silvery and beautiful, shining in the cold wind of the new england winter. we stopped at a little pill-off, and went onto the shore to see how cold it was. along the way we picked up two empty detergent containers that got washed up, and a creamer bottle.... it felt heavy so i opened it to drain, but nothing came out, and it was because creamer turned into yummy looking ice cream! we didn't dare eat it, as much as we wanted to, but we did taste huge icicles that formed along the boulders from waves hitting them constantly in the freezing temperature. they were salty and we found that extremely entertaining and fun, as was picking up these tiny spirally shells (well, alida was getting really into it). on the way back, we came up with our new album title: "salty icicles, frozen creamer and tiny shells in my pocket"

alida on her net surfing to locate her dream job, she came across meatrix. must see! amazing.

so i thought i had pretty interesting dream, with bears and what not, but i have to say, alida just had a hilarious dream. just for the record - she did work in the transplant office at the hospital, and her mom just switched her diet to high fiber diet, and i eat high-fiber cereal every morning.....

...social worker wheeled a dead man on a stretcher into her office and put it next to alida's desk. her supervisor gerri was supposed to take care of these things, but since she wasn't there at the moment, alida got stuck with this dead guy. apparently, it is a routine in this office to get dead guy a bowl of cereal so alida goes into the kitchen and pours cereal and pours milk into the bowl and brings it out to the dead guy. then gerri comes back and tells alida "no no, you don't give him the regular cereal - it HAS to be the high-fiber cereal" so they go back to the kitchen to look for the high-fiber cereal in the cupboard only to realize that there are no more high-fiber cereal left. in the meantime, because alida didn't want the cereal she prepared to go to waste, she had eaten the cereal and so by the time gerri tells her "since we're out of high-fiber cereal i guess we can give him the normal one..." it was gone. not understanding this peculiar ritual of cereal feeding to a dead man, alida asks "so why do we have to feed dead man high-fiber cereal?" gerri answers "well," as she rolls back in her chair "you know how after they get a transplant they get constipated. and so this carries on after they die, so if we feed them high-fiber cereal, it will help them in the afterlife."

new year's reso-revo-lution

2007-01-19T12:15:00.000-08:00

i can't believe it's 2007 already. the christmas had come and gone, and lauryn had proven me of her japa-philic tendencies, and i am back in providence spending few days of peace before school picks up again. and i can't believe i had not written on my blog for the entire semester - this is how you can tell whether or not i'm busy/overcomitted/stressed. my new year's resolution? to bring on the revolution....! but let's start from me keeping up with the blog entry. :P

here are some highlights from this holiday season (in chronological order):

i found a joy of virtual villagers. lauryn found it idiotic.

mega-bingo x-mas party organized by my mother, MCed by taiko. zen: "i had never in my life got so fired up at bingo"

lauryn had found her long-lost twin named taiko. they may not look the same, but they surely DRINK the same.

lauryn had finally found her husband-worthy material named goto-san. except for the infamous greek liquor.

i finally found my husband-worthy material. zen holds a special place in my lezzie heart. and in the hearts of "older" ladies of the nenkin-gumi (social security club).

the legend of morning mountain. lauryn's favorite japanese tale.

lauryn attempting aerobics without knowing any japanese.

tohoku university engineering department represent!

new friends with funny names and funny american: chestnut, power, jackie who doesn't know how to say chestnut in english.

finally took the picture of brillante sign in my neighborhood. obviously this is in honor of rod. it's simply perfect.

taiko proved to me that she still can't live without me. she started packing her apartment on the day she was leaving. her laundry is still hanging in her apartment....

mom discovering "similar energy" as me in a staff at north face store. (translation: mom found a dyke)

ah. my crush the dentist. she is just so beautiful! just for the record, she is probably in her fifties, happily married, with two children my age, and has been caring for my teeth since i had my first tooth as an infant. and i had a cavity! eeeeeek!

me losing my card case with driver's license in it... with a sticker i made that said "i am poop" and "i am kanreki (60 year-old) poop" that used to be on my mom's back. luckily it was found by a nice stranger who brought it to a police station. this just means that there are two people (one being a police officer) out there who knows a twenty-five year old who still does stupid things involving poop to her mom.

slipping between my fingers

2006-10-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

how horribly sad it was.... providence women's rugby got HOSED. a season of well played rugby with so much passion and effort, hard work from everyone and seacoast had to ruin it all. we found out today that they contested the final result of us being in the second place in our league using the unreliable pice of crap online referee scoreboard (which we were all told has been semi-dysfunctional) and incompetent new england rugby union accepted it. our plea for challange match was denied, and no questions asked unless the referee who reported the match in question finds his personal score-sheet. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. we even had the official invite to the playoffs. we all showed up to the practice tonight geared up, psyched up, ready to make it to the nationals. it was heart-breaking to learn us getting booted off. it was heart-wrenching to see our captain ruth who had been with providence women's rugby since its birth two years ago who is leaving us at the end of this year report such unfortunate outcome, because more than anyone she wanted this, and more than anyone she deserved it.

despite such an unfortunate ending, we closed our season with one loss and four wins, with us winning the SECOND PLACE IN THE NEW ENGLAND DIVISION II, playing fair and clean game with amazing sportsmanship and love for rugby. our beloved player tammy, often referred to as "stumbles" also found out today that she is being deployed to iraq in february. she is the second teammate to go off to the never-ending-meaningless-bush's-toy-war. i wish them both good health and safety, and that they will return to us soon so that we can beat seacoast AGAIN and make it to the playoffs no questions asked.

r e p r i e v e

2006-09-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

holly shit - ani has done it again....! i got the CD today after a LONG ass day of classes and domestic duties. oh it is SO good. she sings like she speaks, like she is muttering in her dream where her subconscious battles with her intelligence and creativity. oh oh oh it is so damn good. go out and buy it NOW. i promise it won't be a disappointment. and the cover is a picture of a tree that she drew, which was inspired by a picture she saw of a tree in nagasaki, taken soon after the explosion of the a-bomb, and i am nearly to the tears. and her words speak to me so deeply. i can't wait for the concert in november.

gin bucket and ye old providence

2006-09-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the first league game of providence women's rugby and we beat great northern by a landslide. i was not going to start originally, but because of the absence of some players i ended up playing most of the game. i played okay - there were some really good momments rucking and scrumming, winning the posession of the ball. i need to learn how to be quick on the forward punches. but anyway, we had fun putting the field together (measuring the lines and drawing crooked lines to make up the pitch.... that was a lot of work.....!) and playing in the blazing hot sun trying to leave last footprints of summer in the september new england. the social at the sticky fingers (yes, that is the name of our sponsoring restaurant/bar) was quite fun, they let us step outside to their parking lot in the back to sing rugby songs which i haven't sang since college! we also did boat race in which i was recruited to take a spot, and obviously we won - i will never let the legacy of smith rugby down!!! after we got pretty happy with free sponsored beer, we made plans to meet up at my apartment for the traditional GIN BUCKET race. these girls are CRAZY. perhaps even crazier than smith ruggers.... well, not quite. so let me explain gin bucket for a moment; basically you have teams and each team gets a trash can filled with half handle of gin, two litters of fresca, and half bag of ice, and you drink it with TURKEY BASTER passed around among your team mates. you are only allowed to puke once, and you can recruite bystanders as "little birds" and squirt the juice into their mouths if you cannot possibly drink anymore. ha. CRAZY. the team lastnight ended up being all the veterans versus rookies and myrta, and of course, we won! again, i will never let smith rugby down!! although we did have two pukers. the evening ended with adrienne, jen, annie and i sneaking to pulse for girlspot while others (straight girls, basically) went back to sticky fingers to meet up with the men's team. pulse was more hoppin then last time i was there, and i danced quite a lot with a pole, the gals, and some random girls. it was fun.

so obviously i was exhausted and drunk, and ended up sleeping until like noon today, although i did get up at my usually hours and fed the cats. i had all sorts of interesting dreams, and just could not fully wake up for a long time. after finally getting up and cleaning the trash cans and basters, i decided to take a walk to downtown (people here call it "down city" which i think is really cool) to explore this city that has been challenging me. i also wanted to be able to show alida why our life here could be fun. here is what i found out - or what i think this city is all about:

i believe that providence is the poster-case of the industrialization tragedy. this city has flourished as one of the major ports for fish canning industry and other no-longer-popular industries such as steel and railroad. but as the franchised, monopolized capitalism came in, the businesses got bought out and people began moving away to either to suburban areas or other big cities, namely boston and new york. as a result providence ended up being an empty hole of a donut, where beutiful brick warehouses and victorian homes, and sky-rises were left unoccupied, becoming the city without neighborhoods. the construction of providence mall didn't help either. the problem is, all major big-name retail stores prefer to exist in a place where there are guaranteed customers, and since the providence place mall IS such the place where pretty much all providence residence shop (except for me!) they all have stores there instead of having individual buatique in down town area. the cost of renting and maintaining these historical buildings in down city is probably adding to the problem too, that local small restaurants and shops are simply unable to afford the space, thus the spaces are either left untouched or filled with dunkin donuts and starbucks. as i walked down waybossett and westminster and other streets of down city, i saw some amazing, beautiful architechture that are historic, with lots of details that speak of the time when providence flourished as the ocean city. it also has such great potential to be a great neighborhood, with small bistors and bars, with privately owned buetiques and cafes. only if the providence place mall was not built.... i cannot help but think about that. however i did see some efforts in trying to bring privately owned stores into the vacant spaces in these streets, and there are some that already exist. there are also a lot of warehouse renovations to convert these spaces into gorgeous lofts (which i've been looking into but hell, they are expensive!!) which would also utilize the empty space effectively and bring the people back into the down city area. i realized today, walking under the crisp warm early fall sun, that this city could be like new york only if people were able to make "that kind" of commitment to rebuilding the community. new yorkers LOVE new york. and in most neighborhoods, families still own corner stores and restaurants. even big-named retail shops have their butiques in the buildings that has been on the streets of new york for decades.

the point is, i want to like providence and i want alida to enjoy it as well. perhaps with a little more knowledge of where this city has come from, we can be understanding and actually try to help bringing the old providence community back to what it's supposed to be. i want to see the now sporatic existance of shops, galleries and restaurants evolve into a neighborhood, with diverse group of city people filling the streets on weekends. i want to see more affordable residential quarters in the heart of the city. then, i think, i might just love providence that way.

near and far, lost and found

2006-09-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

i'm back at school now. today i had two classes and i have one tomorrow. ay yay yay..... i don't quite know how i feel about this.

so hear this - on sunday i had a surprise visit by jen frederick and adrienne matthews whom i hadn't seen since they graduated from college about five years ago. they called up gracey and told her that they (meaning all the tyler '03ers) were all meeting up in the boston area to say bye to adrienne who is going away to london for a year, and that they were going to drive out to p-town to see grace. it happens that only jen an adrienne were able to actually follow through, but i was extatic to see both of them, especially adrienne whom i used to hang out quite often, and whom kept me hanging when i called her few years back. apparently she lost my number (she answered my call at work and couldn't talk and naturally couldn't remember that she was supposed to call me back). they both looked great and it was just so nice to be surrounded by familar faces and reminisce familiar people and stories. we walked around town talking all day, catching up about where we've been and what we've done, and where we're headed, etc... it was rather interesting to learn about how similarly adrienne and i were motivated and how we were all moving onto the new page of our lives quite unexpectedly, her to london, me to providence, grace to boston... at night after watching stupid movies on comedy central we went to eat at way down town. after that, gracey fell asleep like she always does, so the rest of us got happy and played trivial pursuit. genus edition. i couldn't answer any of the entertainment questions, but it was fun just being dumb like we all used to on the fourth floor of tyler. jen got the most pie - she was brilliant unlike adrienne or i.

monday was a bit heart-breaking, for everyone was leaving. adrienne and i helped grace and her parents pack the volvo for her to go back to school while i was doing laundry in her house. then adrienne and i went on a walk on the beach while grace was running errands with monica and jen was going on a run and caught up some more. it was nice - probably my last summer day on the beach this season, and i was glad to have spent that moment with a friend who i thought of but had no way to keep in touch. in the late afternoon, adrienne and jen went back to boston, and soon after grace and i left. we left mandy behind, who is flying back today to virginia to go back to school.... sad sad scene. i realized that we are all stepping onto the new stages of our lives, and we are all antsy and uneasy, like a teething kitten or a molting insect. it feels as though you have an itch where you can't reach, and just can't help but to let the time do its magic. i can't wait to meet up with these people again. i love my friends near and far, lost and found.

envoy

2006-09-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

was what we ended up driving on our x-country trip back in june-july, with shame and self-loathing, though we eventually let go of the enigma thinking that even if things did end up working out and got a minivan, the damage (on the environment and our wallets) would have been just as bad. so the team, caitlin, alida and myself set off to an incredible journey of western frontier to relocate, visiting places and people that would stay with our hearts forever.

i had plan the trip in advance, working from the previous x-country trip i had done (to move to california with morgan in a rented u-haul), and planning to visit places that cait and alida wanted to see. the goal was 12 days, and we had to get to st. paul airport by the nineth day to send caitlin back to california.

DAY 1:
after an absolute chaos of packing up the ABF "U-Pack" container and cleaning out the apartment, caitlin and i packed the suv to the ceiling, and picked up alida who saw the situation and could only half-smile in simple shock. so we jammed packed ourselves with cats in the kennels, and drove off to the pet resort in south san francisco. after tearful good byes to the cats we finally got on the road, only to discover that we are sandwiched between two bumpers for at least an hour moving inch by inch. as you can imagine, we couldn't cover as many miles as we planned that day, so we found us a room at a motel...... wait, a suite at a hotel in bakersfield because that was the cheapest thing available (and no joke). the young dude at the front desk who checked us in was an airhead. but we enjoyed the stay anyway. no fun without a good night of sleep.

DAY 2:
we had to cover A LOT of miles that day. so we set off early and drove to death valley where we found nothing but HEAT. it was 115F when we first arrived. i'm sure if i cracked an egg on our car, it would have cooked a perfectly fine fried egg. when we entered the park, we each received a postcard that said "heat kills" with a picture of a skeleton in the desert with an empty bottle, with some informative messages about how to keep hydrated, etc. we found the card incredible, and decided to send one to alida's parents who had been (and probably were) worried about this trip in general. the land scape in death valley was deserty and well, the name death valley is rather perfect. there were no natural living soul except for may be some wilted desert vegitation and perhaps a scorpion that was hiding under the rock. the crows were panting (literally with their beaks spread open wide) in the brush shade at the lodge, and the sprinkler were spurting out hot water. the scenery was nothing you would see anywhere, and it tintilated the drive for deathly things, the ultimate and most deep rooted human nature. it was beautiful in a whole new genre. awestricken, we continued on our driving (besides, we could not stay in that heat any longer) headed to our next stop, grand canyon. the drive out of the desert was long, peaceful, and sleepy. with sleeping alida on my side, caitlin and i became tense that we were lost because the road never ended, because we passed no other cars, because we were alone in the desert with death as its name, because we felt the power of nature's deepest secret, the truth of one's inevitable, the loneliness of its process and the life itself.

after couple of hours, we reached a highway that led us to the sparkling civilization - the rotten capitalism coated with leisure called las vegas. alida took some great pictures (inspired by her photography instructor she had in mexico) while we had some good laughs looking at ridiculous adds for strip clubs and shows. after a pit stop at a seven-eleven (which we could not find forever) we left vegas and made our way towards grand canyon through colorful desert sunset. we decided to pitch our tent at a roadside campground that was slightly sketchy, but good enough, dreaming about the beauty that awaits us.

DAY 3:
another beautiful day, sunny with some clouds and hot. we made pretty good miles the day before, so we reached grand canyon by the early afternoon. in the meantime, we tried to figure out whether the news we received from alida's father about a fire in grand canyon was true. he also thought the park was closed because of the fire, and thus for obvious reasons we were hasty to find out what the real deal was. despite our effort of calling all sorts of national park numbers, we reached the park, and we were relieved to find a long line of cars waiting at the entrance, hoping to spend the independence day weekend in the heart of american geological treasure. i felt a small sense of shame, a self-agony of one kind, in contributing this ironic act of humans, driving air-polluting machine into a national park.... regardless, my excitement for being at the grand canyon won over my resentment and entered the park singing and dancing in my seat. it made the other girls laugh and it felt great. we decided to get to the campground first, since at the entrance we found out that there was in fact a forest fire on the north rim side (which is known to be prettier and i wanted to camp on that side) and that it was closed to the public. after pitching our tent, we went on a short hike down towards the canyon although we were told to be careful of heat stroke because it was excruciatingly HOT. apparently people die hiking down or up the canyon in that kind of weather. so we packed a backpack full of gatrade and water and decided to go as far as we feel comfortable, so that we won't get stuck somewhere dehydrated and sick from excessive sun and heat. the trail was beautiful, and how i wished to have been able to hike down to the river! but it was definitely unsafe to take on such expedition untrained in the middle of the day in july. so we went a couple of miles and turned around. along the way there were cacti and small desert birds, as well as tanned hunky workers putting boulders and logs to the edges of the trail. props to them. we were thoroughly impressed by their hard work. such amazing scenery and experience. sweat felt good and we were hungry. so we went back to the tent and spent a wonderful night at the park.

DAY 4:
we wanted to go see the sunrise, but obviously, we didn't get up in time so instead we ate quick breakfast and drove around the park to explore some more. i just could not get over the fact that this incredible crevice of the earth was created by the flow of the colorado, small yet stubborn and consistent force of water that flowed for millions of years. every time i see such work of art by the nature, i cannot help but to feel the pulsing energy of something higher than all of us, perhaps god, perhaps the mother earth itself, but something that connects all humans, something that makes us feel desolate and yet so blissful and content, something that remind us of the history, and the magic of the universe. with such sentimental emotions in our hearts, we decided we needed a shower. we hadn't taken shower since the hotel in bakersfield and we had been sweating everyday. well, unfortunately when we got to the shower house it was packed and there was no one in an office to change our bills to coins... since we had to make our ways up to utah, we bagged the idea of fresh water on our skin and got our stinkin' selves back into the car and drove our way to zion national park. along the way, we saw heart-breaking sights of native american settlements. broken huts, trailers and abandoned trucks. vendors on the sides of the road trying to make a living out of selling their crafts to ignorant tourists who know very little (if any) of their history and the mark colonization left on this country. once again, we were reminded of humans' imperfection and shortcomings as we stopped at one of the vendors. we bought some souvenirs to remind us of natives' suffering, pain and hope. as the earth turned color from fire-y orange-red to orange-grey, we reached zion national park, and oh my how beautiful it was. it was my first time being there and it completely lived up to my expectations. we also learned the story behind the name "zion" which turns out to come from "not zion," a phrase spoken by a mormon leader when his people first discovered the area and thought that this must be what zion looks like. but to him, it was "awfully beautiful, but not zion." we were able to get a nice spot in the camp ground right by the river, and we were finally able to swim in the fresh water (we had been wanting to do this since we set off on this trip). never mind swimming in the river - we were swimming in the river in zion, surrounded by boulders and cliffs that stand high in the heavens. this also happened to be my twenty-fifth birthday, and i could not have spend my birthday any other way. we played in the water for a really long time until the sun began to set and we began to feel a little chilly. after we got out of the water and made dinner, we celebrated my birthday with carrot cake flavored odwalla bar. i was thankful to this amazing trip and the love i received from alida and caitlin, and wished the same kind of love and peace to the rest of the world as i blew my match (which was used in a place of a candle).

DAY 5:
it was a little bit cloudy and little bit cooler - a perfect day for a hike. we packed up our tent and left our river behind to go on a hike to the emerald pool. in order to prevent pollution, you have to take the electric shuttle to the trailhead, so we caught the shuttle from the park headquarters. the trail began at the small wooden bridge that crossed the river, and went around the foot of the giant cliff. there were many gorgeous spots along the way, from small water falls to frogs to striated rocks, and it was just a fun little hike that was peaceful to the heart and soul. at the emerald pool, hundreds of small birds flew left and right perhaps to catch a small bug or a fish residing in the pool. everything was calm and the little rain drops that began to fall added rather perfect flavor to the whole experience.

after grabbing a hot meal at the park headquarters, we got on the road to make our way to orem where our friend darci lives. i also had plans to meet up with lindsay whom i had not seen since the college graduation, so i called her and arranged a final plan to meet up at darci's house. most of the drive from zion was straightforward, a long highway that drove through small cities and towns, a typical american scenery. we got to darci's house - well, her sister's house to be exact - with a view of beautiful utah mountain range before the sunset, and lindsay arrived soon after we got washed up and rested. at night, we headed out to say hello to darci's giant mormon family who were very welcoming and offered us homemade ice cream. the kids were cute and the adults told us fun stories about darci's childhood. nightmares it may be for darci, i enjoyed the warmth of a large family, an atmosphere of celebratory occasion (the independence day) bound by love of the kinship. we then left orem to go to sundance, to a bar where a famous western film was made. we were hoping there would be food, but unfortunately they didn't have any that night, so we just drank our stomach full and chatted with darci's bro, his girlfriend, darci's ex-girlfriend, and caught up with my dear friend lindsay whom i had missed so much. the rest of the night is a little bit fuzzy in my memory, perhaps from the beer on empty stomach, but we got a drive-thru burritos on the way back to orem, yucky in idea now i think about it, but tasty in actuality (as much as i remember), and went to sleep.... well, some of us did, and some of us flirted and watched tv all night long....

to be continued.....

whales

2006-09-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

after my first rugby match with the providence women's on saturday, i drove down to NYC to meet up with alida who just flew back from cali to be with her brother mika and his girlfriend lani to wait for their trip to italy. i absolutely loved mika and lani and i look forward getting to know them further. i also found myself falling in love with NYC all over again. i always loved visiting the big apple, but i realized that i would actually really love to live there for a little while in spite of my typical notion of not wanting to have a life there.

in the pouring rain i left NYC and alida on tuesday and came to ptown, where i met up with my dearest amanda clemons whom i hadn't seen since our college graduation (she and jenn carter and i had a reuniting weekend up in burlington few weeks back). she and i caught up with our lives and had a great time hanging out with grace and monica (who took us on a boat to hang out at race point!), and we also ended up whale watching which turned out to be absolutely breath-taking.

we were told that the cape cod whale watching this summer (in stellwagen bank) has been quite successful, and the expectations were met to say the least. we saw whales of all kinds, from the tiny minke whales to the famous hump back, and the second largest living mammal on earth: finback whales. since we went on the evening tour, the sun was setting beautifully and provided me a perfect backdrop for my whale photos, and i felt myself aboslutely enthralled by these amazing creatures and the sea that provides life for them. i still wonder, sometimes, that i should be studying to become marine biologist. i love everything about the ocean and all lives that live in it. i am constantly mesmerized by the mystery of the oceanic forces and harmony, and want to help preserve its essence from being destroyed.

so much to be done. so little time. i guess by partaking in admiring these whales and the ocean, i'm taking a small step in helping the nature thrive. or at least i should hope so.